Through Good Times and Bad

"I Fiona, take you Derek, as my husband and best friend. I vow to love you unconditionally, to be kind and forgiving, and to be faithful to you always. I will trust and respect you, laugh and cry with you; loving you through good times and bad.  I promise to support you in your hopes and dreams, and to challenge you to love and honour God no matter what may come our way. I give you my hand, my heart, my love, on this day and forevermore."

 

We recently attended the wedding of a friend. It was an absolutely beautiful wedding. As I sat there watching the ceremony, it brought me back to just over two years ago when Derek and I stood in front of God, our family, and friends, and made these commitments to each other.

Just after we lost Brooklyn, I received an email from a mum who also lost her baby girl. She knew Derek from his youth group days. In it she said "You found yourself a wonderful husband. You never imagine walking down the aisle on such a joyous day, that such tragedy could lay ahead." She is absolutely right. As I sat there watching the beautiful bride walk down the aisle, all I could think of was Derek and I two years ago. The innocence we had, and bright future that was ahead of us. 

When we were in the ultrasound room and learned that Brooklyn's heart stopped, I remember crying out "please don't leave me" over and over to Derek. All I could think about was how many marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child. I had just learned about this months before during my last semester of school. Couples who have a child that dies after the twentieth week of pregnancy or soon after labour, are 40% more likely to divorce than a couple who has not walked through this valley. That terrified me in the moment, it still does some days. I had just lost the baby girl that I carried for 39 weeks, had formed a bond with, and had loved entirely; the fear of also losing my husband overwhelmed my soul.

I am beyond blessed to have the amazing husband that I do. He has been my rock and my strength during my darkest days. He has helped me see that there is life after death, and that it is okay to laugh and enjoy things in life, even without our sweet girl. He has also reminded me to grieve and process this mess, and not to shut down and have a heart that hardens. And he continues to encourage me to do things that provide healing. Grief reveals the true character of people, and it has never been more evident to me how amazing of a man Derek is. Don't get me wrong, we have definitely had hard days. Days where we argue and don't see eye to eye on things. We have also learned that we grieve very differently. But that is okay, we are both processing this the best way we know how. And most importantly, we try to process it both individually and as a couple. 

Derek continues to challenge me daily to "love and honour God, no matter what may come our way." And for this, I am thankful. He shows me through his actions what this means and looks like, and how to love other people, even when they do hurtful things. 

Our vows meant a lot to us then, but they take on a whole new meaning now. I wish I could time travel to us two years ago, and tell us what would lie ahead. Remind us to "build into and invest in your relationship with each other, because some days, this will be the only thing that will provide you healing and hope. It may be the only thing that matters some days." 

I refuse to add to the divorce statistic. We both do. We are in this for the long haul. "To laugh and cry with [each other] loving [each other] through good times and bad." No matter how hard we have to fight, we will fight, and we will continue to choose to love each other no matter how we may be feeling.

We know that there may be more hard days that lie ahead, but we also hold onto the hope that better days are coming our way.