Knocked Down

Today has been a very hard day.

To be honest, I'm tired of feeling like I have a grip on this "grief thing", only to be knocked down flat on my face again.

I have many days in a row where I do not burst into tears at the drop of a dime, and am actually able to laugh and find joy in this crazy life.

Then I have days like today, where nothing helps soothe this aching heart of mine.

I walked into the doctor's office - already having a bad day, and there were pregnant women and babies everywhere. I honestly felt like yelling out "what is this?! Take your baby to the doctor day?!"


I really do try so hard not to let my heart be full of envy, but it inevitably is.

I just miss my daughter. I just want to hold her, rock her to sleep, and comfort her as she cries.

I really will never understand why she had to be taken this way. Why do lots of other people go through the pain of labour and delivery, and get to hold a living baby in the end? I would never wish this on anyone - ever. But it will never make sense to me why our first born daughter had a heart beat at  9am on April 4th, and then it suddenly stopped the same day. This will never make sense to me, nor should it.

Death hurts. But even more so, the death of a child - my child. The one I held her entire life. The one I got stretch marks for. The one I threw up with, for 6 long months. The one who looked just like she was sleeping when she was born. She was perfect and there is still no explanation for her death.

My arms ache and long for her today.