I Will Not Be Defeated

Last night and today have been really difficult for me. Coming home from our vacation has been much harder than expected. While home is normally a place that brings comfort and security, these days this has not been present. I don't know why, but I thought coming home to an empty house would be easier after being refreshed and getting away. Instead it was harder. Not harder than coming home from the hospital, but definitely harder than times there after.

This morning was a morning I simply didn't want to wake up. I had no energy to get out of bed, and wanted to lie there forever until this storm is over. Thankfully, we have a 75lb furry buddy that needs me, and I was forced to get out of bed to walk and feed him. 

It was the kind of morning where I would burst into tears without any warning, and the smallest thing would set me off. I forced myself to get out to the grocery store to grab a few things, and stopped at McDonald's for a delicious $1 iced coffee (one of the small things I am thankful for today). 

The afternoon started to feel better. I had some delicious California rolls and guacamole for lunch to remind me of happier times on our trip, and sat in the sun reading a book. As I sat in our backyard, I began to feel thankful for this place we have to call our home - even in all of its emptiness. The day was looking better. The sun was shining, I had coffee in my bloodstream, our dog beside me, and a good book in my hand.

Then I came inside and checked the mail.

And then I got that feeling that happens every once in a while - the one where I can't breathe, and then when I catch my breath, every inhale feels increasingly more painful. I received coupons in the mail from the Similac Club. This was something I had signed up for back when the hope and expectation of new life was still present. And there I was, all of the strength I had gained as the day went on was suddenly lost again. I stood there in complete shock. Not knowing whether to cry, scream, laugh, or fall apart. 

The only thing I could think of was running; running as far as I possible could. So I threw on my running clothes and shoes, and ran. I ran and ran as hard as I could. Until breath began to fill my lungs again. Until my body that felt so broken and dead began to feel life again. I ran non-stop until I realized I had gone 3km (which may not seem very far, but is far for someone who has run once in the past 11 months, and gained nearly 30lbs during pregnancy). 

And then I stopped. And I walked home. 

Back home to a place that was still empty and silent, but I was able to handle this because I felt full of life again. 

I will not be defeated by death. 

I will not let losing Brooklyn completely break me. 

I will choose to find life.

I will choose to live my life for her, because she never had the opportunity to live hers here on this Earth. 

I will choose to make her proud in everything I do. 

And I will try to not let things people say or don't say, do or don't do, continue to hurt me. 

I will not be defeated by death, because I have a God who defeated death for me. And while I am still wrestling through my anger with Him, at least I am wrestling. I have not turned away. And I will not let death defeat me.