Safe

I've had a lot of chaos in my life, and as a result - I have forever craved safety and security. This shows up in many aspects in my life. Finances, relationships, making plans for the future, and even the route of education I took.

I have never truly felt safe and secure, but always felt that there were certain things in my control to prevent bad things from happening to me. This can make me an uptight control freak at times.

Since losing Brooklyn, I have begun to learn a very hard reality for someone who likes things to be neat, controlled, and in order - there are very few things in this life that are actually in our control. Bad things happen to good people, whether or not they try their best to do the right thing. This has completely changed how I look at everything in my life.

I recently read the final blog entry of a mom who also lost her baby girl. Her story is different than ours but still very much resonates with me.

In her final entry, she talked about the missing boy in Calgary and how it has impacted her. She went on to say that her daughter is her only child whose safety she will never need to worry about. Her only child who she will not lose sleep over questioning how to best care for her or wondering if she is in pain.

This hit me like a ton of bricks. I will never have to worry about Brooklyn's safety and security. I will never be up late in the night second guessing all of my parenting decisions with her. I will never worry about her making it through those dreaded teen years. She has never been hungry, cold, sad - never had her heart broken. Our Brooke is forever safe and always secure in the arms of Jesus.

Don't get me wrong - this doesn't make her death feel justified in any way. Our first born dying will never feel "right", because it simply isn't.

This world is full of terrible things, but at times, it is also full of wonderful things that give us small glimpses into Heaven. I have come to the realization that I will never feel fully safe and secure here on this earth. If we are blessed to parent living children, I will worry about their safety, their life, and how to best parent them. I will likely always try to hold my money a little tightly, and try to the best of my ability to control situations around me. But we are meant for so much more than this. If we never take risks and live fearfully our whole lives, we will never get to experience those small glimpses of Heaven.

I can rest assured that Brooklyn now has what I have craved my whole entire life - to forever feel safe and secure.