Three

Three months today, I gave birth to the most perfect baby I have ever seen. A baby who looked like she was sleeping and going to wake up at any moment. A baby who had the most beautiful hair. A baby who had cheeks that I could kiss forever.

To be honest, I didn't even realize it was the fifth until around 11am today. I was at work, and noticed I was extra sensitive to people bringing babies in. I hit my breaking point when a parent came through the drive thru with a baby who looked around 2-3 months old. They were complaining about how tired they are and the lack of sleep they are having. It took everything in me not to look them in the eye and say "I'd give absolutely anything in the world to be in your shoes right now." I'm tired and losing sleep too, but it's because my heart aches to be up in the night with my baby. Then I looked at the date and realized this is likely the reason I am even more sensitive than usual.

Sometimes it feels like the three months has flown by, but most of the time it feels like it's been forever since I last held our precious baby. This week has been one of the hardest yet. There's a lot going on, and I haven't been sleeping well lately which makes it even more difficult to try and function "normally." The other night was the first time I've cried myself to sleep in a long time. The feeling of emotion completely taking over your body is terrifying. I was sobbing uncontrollably, just longing for my baby. All I wanted was for one last kiss, one more cuddle. Although I feel like even with "one more", my heart would never be satisfied.

I recently got promoted to Shift Supervisor at work. It has been a really good new challenge for me. I really love the position and the different responsibilities it comes with. But I've now been working 40 hour weeks. The extra money has been really nice, but I come home and have to sleep after every shift.

I realized this week that it has been a full year since we got pregnant with Brooklyn. So much has changed in just a year. I started a new job at St. Martin's Manor as a Young Parent Worker, I started a placement at CAAP in the hospital, I finished my BA/BSW degrees, Derek was rehired at Grindstone as the youth pastor, we made a lot of changes in our house, prepared for a baby, had Brooklyn, lost Brooklyn, started back at Starbucks, and went on the vacation of a lifetime. If you had asked me a year ago today if I could picture myself where I'm at now, I would obviously have said no. It just goes to show you, no matter how much you plan for things to happen a certain way in life, we really have very little control. For someone like me, this is a terrifying reality.

It may seem to other people like a lot of time has passed. I notice this when people make comments in passing, or act like we should be "better" by now. This is frustrating to me. I don't think people realize that we will never be "better". We will be different, and things will feel differently, but we are always going to miss our girl.

I received an email from Enfamil the other day; something I signed up for towards the end of my pregnancy. It was an update on where your baby should be at by three months of age. It talked about how by now, your baby begins to recognize you as their parents, they start to smile, they start cooing, and they start developing their sense of touch by reaching for their toes. These are all things that I know I'm missing out on with Brooklyn. I often think about who she would be today. When I was pregnant, I was so curious to see what colour her eyes would be. Would they be blue like her Mamas or hazel like her Daddys? Around now is when a baby's eyes change from blue to the colour they will be forever. I get so sad when I realize we won't know for a very long time what colour her eyes were.

I decided this week that I need a bit of a break from Facebook. I've thought about this a couple of times since losing Brooklyn, and decided to make it official. I'm just finding mentally it's been too difficult. It's just temporary, I'll eventually be back when I think I can handle it again. But for now, if you want to keep following my blog, you'll have to check back using the actually website.

Please continue to pray for us and keeps us in your thoughts.  I am sure that life will yet again look very differently next year. Please pray for the challenges that lie ahead, and please continue to remember our little Brooke.