Flashbacks

I've been getting a lot of flashbacks lately.

Flashbacks of us pulling into the saying "the next time we leave the hospital, we'll have our girl in the back seat." The sound of my cry as I found out our baby had died. Going through the pain of labour and delivery knowing our baby would not be coming home with us like we had planned. Having to leave our daughter in a cold dark room all by herself before they performed tests on her, trying to understand what happened. Laying the smallest coffin I have ever seen in the ground, knowing that I would never get to see my baby girl on this earth again.

Flashbacks. Flashbacks. Flashbacks.

These days grief is feeling very raw. And my longing for Brooklyn has never been so strong.

I have been thinking more and more about what I could have done to prevent our daughter's unexplained death. I know in my head it isn't my fault. I was told by all the doctor's and midwives that there was nothing I could have done. But part of me will always wonder if I could have done something to stop it.

Should I have insisted that they induced me the Friday before when I started to feel like something was wrong? Should I have insisted they kept me in the hospital and ran more tests the Wednesday before when they told us our baby was "textbook perfect" physiologically?

I feel like I have accomplished a few things in life this far. I have graduated with two degrees from post-secondary, landed a job in my field before even finishing school, and while I struggle sometimes, I try to be the best wife I can be.

But my whole life, I have dreamed of being a mom. That is all I've ever wanted. To be the best wife to my husband, and best mother to my children.

Sometimes I feel like I failed as a mother. While I know in my head this isn't true, my heart feels as if I couldn't do the things I needed to do most - keep her safe and alive.


I met with a friend for coffee this week. She is actually someone I used to babysit for, and she too lost one of her babies. She reminded me to remember how much I love Brooklyn, and how much I showed her this love while she was inside of me. Remembering the good memories we have together helps. I have a couple of videos on my phone of her moving around inside of me. I can watch these videos and smile, remembering the countless hours I would spend just staring at my belly in amazement of the miracle inside of me. I am so thankful for these memories, I just wish these were the ones that came to me during flashbacks.