Permission to Dream Again

If I had to describe my grief journey these days, I simply would say that I am tired.

No one tells you how exhausting it is to grieve. I come home from work most days and literally don't have the energy to do anything. I feel like my schedule consists of working, coming home, sleeping, showering, eating, and repeat. But I have to remind myself that this is just a season.

I have been working a lot lately too, so that doesn't help. I'm really enjoying my new role as shift supervisor. It's a nice change from the same job I have been doing since 2009 (with a short 10 month break). And the little bit of extra income isn't bad either.

Something I'm really excited about is I'm transferring to a different store! Starting September 2nd, I'll be moving to the Burlington Indigo location. This store will be a nice change of pace with no drive thru, and a totally different atmosphere. Their hours are much better (bank hours), and they are off all stat holidays! The manager is one who used to run the Waterdown store too, and I'm very much looking forward to working with her again. AND I'll be working in a book store - how great is that?!

I'm hoping the new hours will help provide some consistency to my schedule and make sleeping a little bit easier.

Life is starting to feel a bit more "normal" these days. I feel like Derek and I are in a new sort of routine. While losing Brooklyn will never ever feel right or be well with my soul, it feels nice to settle back into life, even for a short while.

That being said, there are still some moments that I almost forget she is gone from this world forever. I notice it most when I'm in her nursery. Sometimes it feels just like it did when I was pregnant and used to sit in her room - dreaming of who she would be and what she would look like. For a brief moment, it feels as if we are still waiting for her to arrive. And then I realize that she already has arrived, and just as quickly has left.

One thing I've been allowing myself to do lately, is to dream of better days. It's taken me over 4 months to get here, and I know I will always be a little bit guarded with my hopes for the future, but it feels nice to dream again. I really truly believe that there are better days before us, but am also thankful for the great moments we have behind us, and for everything we have learned along the way.

The wisdom we have gained will never justify Brooklyn's death. I would much rather be naive and ignorant if it meant we could have our 4 month old here with us. But since this is not an option, I choose to see the goodness and wisdom that has come as a result.

Please continue to pray for us and keep us in your thoughts.