"All of My Life, In Every Season, You are still God"

"This is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry. This is my prayer and my hunger and need, my God is the God who provides. This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain. There is a faith proved of more worth than gold, so refine me Lord through the flame."

The above lyrics are taken from a song called "Desert Song" by Hillsong United. It was written by Brooke Fraser (one of the reasons we chose Brooklyn's name).

It has almost been 6 months since we had our girl - half a year. When we first lost her, I didn't know what the next hour would hold, let alone what life would look like 6 months after losing her. The death of our child truly has been my desert. I have had some of the hardest days of my life - days I really wasn't sure I had the energy to make it through.

Many days I have questioned the presence of God. I've had people tell me they have no idea how I could continue to believe in a God who would allow our girl to die. And to be honest, I have really had to take a good long look at my faith and if I truly believe the things I say I do.

I know this is something I will probably wrestle with my whole entire life, but in this desert season, I have learned that God is more present than I give him credit for. God has orchestrated so many different people, conversations, and events in the last 6 months alone, that have shown me even in times of "weakness, trial, or pain," He is the only constant, and he is trying to redeem this really terrible thing that has happened.

God's presence and unfailing love has never been so evident to me. I think I have seen this most in the relationships that have been restored and healed since losing Brooklyn. Many people have extended forgiveness and grace to me when I'm not sure I deserved it. This is exactly what God does - he provides us with things we are not worthy of and asks for nothing in return. And I am so thankful for the people in my life who are actively living out the gospel, probably without realizing it.

Someone asked me the other day what stage of grief I feel like I'm in right now. After thinking about it for a little bit, I decided I'm in the acceptance stage. The loss of Brooklyn will never fully be right with my soul, but right now, I'm in a place where I know that being bitter, angry, and deeply sad will not bring her back. I still miss her every single day, but I know that she would want me to live life to the fullest. Her very short little life has taught me to be thankful for every day here on this earth. Wasting my time being constantly bitter, envious and sad is such a waste of such a precious life.

I really do feel healing taking place in my life in general, my relationship with Derek, and my relationship with others. And while this pregnancy has been really scary, I know that God is using this precious baby to provide healing to us too.

Next Wednesday we have the anatomy scan where we will find out the sex of this baby. I have a really strong feeling that it is a boy, but only time will tell! As time gets closer, I am more anxious about this scan. Please pray that the scan reveals this little one is growing strong and healthy, and that there are no major concerns with his/her development. And please remember to send us good vibes on Wednesday. Ultrasounds are not as fun for us as they were the first time around. Now they come with a lot of anxiety - especially because Derek is still not allowed in the room with me and the anatomy scan takes quite a long time. I'm sure the hour will feel like days to both of us as the ultrasound tech thoroughly looks over this baby.

"This is my prayer in the harvest, where favour and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be emptied again. This seed I've received I must sow."

I know that God provides restoration and healing to our lives so that we can be a blessing to others. I also know that tomorrow I could have a really crappy day where I am back in the "anger" stage of this grieving process. So I will continue to embrace these moments, and try to the best of my ability to live my life knowing that God is always looking for ways to redeem this very broken world, and that he very much wants me to be a part of it.