The Only Guarantee

Another holiday passed, and I'm still standing. I was especially missing Brooklyn this Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is my favourite time of year and this time last year I had pictured our life to be very different. It really wasn't the same without her. I was however thankful to celebrate a holiday with the hope of new life, even if this hope is very much guarded at times.

I have found that my grief has yet again changed at the 6 month mark. Every time I feel like I have a handle on this grieving thing, things change and I am forced to confront new feelings and experiences. While I'm thankful that grief forces me to continually grow, I wish personal growth in these areas of my life could happen without having to lose Brooklyn. Lately I have been experiencing a lot of deep sadness. Being pregnant doesn't help this, as I am much more emotional during this pregnancy than I was my last. I cry at anything and everything and feel things much deeper than normal. 

After getting past lots of pride, stubbornness, and a very independent personality, I have started seeing a counsellor. I have met with this person in the past for other issues I've had, so I find it helpful that we already have rapport built. She is able to connect my feelings to knowledge of who I am, where I come from, and the experiences that tie these things together. So far I have found meeting with her really helpful. I know how important it is to ensure I am in good mental health for myself, Derek, and this growing baby of ours. As I get further along in this pregnancy, and the idea of actually getting to bring this baby home becomes more real, I want to make sure I am emotionally prepared for all of the different feelings that may come as a result. It's also been helpful to work through past issues that have arisen as a result of this traumatic loss. 

I am so thankful to our Brooklyn for the perspective her short little life has given me. I have learned that life really is such a precious gift. Not something to be taken lightly. I no longer assume things like Derek and I will live to be 90 and grow old together, or that the rest of our children will outlive us both. While I hope and pray that these desires of my heart come true, I know that my life and the life of those around me can end at any given moment. The events in Ottawa this week and the loss of Cpl. Nathan Cirillo has yet again reinforced this for me. I feel like I have been grieving even deeper since Wednesday. I have thought of Nathan's mother often, and been trying to imagine everything she must be feeling right now. My heart has been so heavy for his family. 

This new perspective doesn't mean that I now live my life thinking "glass half empty" all the time, but I try not to take things for granted. I make sure I tell Derek I love him before bed every night and before we both leave for work, even if I'm feeling that I don't particularly "like" him in that moment. This new understanding of life has also greatly affected my pregnancy this time around. I try to embrace every moment - even if my back hurts, my feet are already swollen, and I'm feeling huge. I remember to enjoy every kick I am feeling because I know all too well that it could be the last time I feel this baby move. 

A website I follow (stillstandingmag.com) highlighted an article a while ago that has really helped me during this pregnancy. The writer Angela Miller is writing to women who are pregnant again after the loss of a child. Part of it says "How I wish I could tell you - you are guaranteed this. You should be - but you and I both know there are no guarantees. There is only now." 

She is absolutely right. There is only now. I am so thankful for each morning I wake up and the baby is still moving. My midwife reminded me again this week, that the chance of losing this baby is extremely low. This helps, but oh how I wish we were guaranteed to bring home a healthy baby girl at the end of these long 38 weeks. 

Instead, I will continue to make every moment with this girl count. I will keep learning things about her, like how she moves around any time she is near the sound of running water - just like her sister did. And I will continue to enjoy calling her by name. Yes - Derek and I are almost 100% set on a name for this lady now. It helps me feel more connected to her, and makes my hope for her life even stronger. I will keep reading to her and talking to her - helping her know how very loved she already is.

We received the official ultrasound results late last week and everything looks great. The actual report says "no abnormalities found." We also learned that our sweet baby has long legs like her Daddy! The midwife said her femur bone measures larger than average. We do have to go back for a follow up ultrasound this Monday though. Because of her position, the tech had a hard time getting a few of the images he needed. My midwife assured me that there is absolutely nothing to worry about and this happens all the time. I am feeling a little bit nervous but nothing compared to how I was feeling last time. If you are reading this and remember to think of us on Monday at 4pm, we would really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I'm really excited to get another look of this little lady too! Oh and they moved our due date up from March 5th to March 3rd! This means she will come even earlier in February now. It is funny how two days makes such a difference.

"The time is now sweet mama. It's the only guarantee. The secret is to simply be. Right here, right now - with your baby." This has been my anthem lately.

The time is now. It's the only guarantee. 

The link to Angela Miller's article is here: http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/03/dear-sweet-mama-courage-roars/