We arrived at McMaster around 2:15pm - 15 minutes before my appointment. They didn't call my name until 3pm. I sat there anxiously waiting as person after person was called before me. When the tech finally came out, my heart sank as I walked down the hall to the scan room by myself, while Derek and our moms had to stay in the waiting room. I knew there was one male tech in McMaster visual diagnostics, and I had hopped that I didn't end up with him. I guess in my head I had already assumed he would not be comforting and would increase my anxiety. The room reminded me too much of the room we were in when we found out Brooklyn's heart had stopped. As I laid back on the bed, I felt my whole body tense up and my heart started to race really fast.
The tech asked me a few questions including my birthdate, the baby's due date, and how to spell my last name. I told him in the beginning that we wanted to find out the baby's sex. He smiled, poured the freezing cold gel on my belly and started the scan. About 15 minutes into the scan, the tech stopped and turned the screen toward me. For that split second, my heart dropped and I assumed that there was something wrong. Instead, he was showing me that our little baby was yawning. "Baby is getting bored of us" he said with a smile on his face. My heart rate slowed a little bit as I now knew that baby was still alive and moving around. But my body remained tense.
At one point in the scan, the tech asked me if I was okay. "Just really nervous" I replied. "Don't be nervous, everything looks great. Your baby is just moving around a lot. It's good to have a baby who moves lots, but it just makes my job a bit more difficult" he said. I felt my body become a little bit less tense. This man that I assumed would not be comforting was providing me with comfort and telling me that everything looks great, when he in fact is not really supposed to be telling me anything at all. "This isn't our first" I said. "We lost our first daughter. She was stillborn." He didn't know what to say, so he just gave me a heart felt "oh no." Normally I would have been mad that someone couldn't provide a more compassionate response but he had built rapport with me and already done a lot to ease some of my anxiety.
However, I was still really frustrated. Why was it not included in my file that our first and only child was born still? Should this not be a very important piece of my medical history now? I love living in Canada and am incredibly thankful for our healthcare system (especially for Hamilton Health Sciences), but sometimes the process and lack of communication between medical professionals really makes me angry.
About 50 minutes in he asked me to turn on my right side so he could get a better view of something. Then he asked me to turn to my back again and said "you want to find out the gender, right?" I said yes, not assuming he would tell me right then and there. He turned the screen toward me, and all I saw were two little chicken legs. "I can't tell I said". Then he typed out "XX" and said, "see these three lines here, that means you are having a girl." I immediately started to cry. I wasn't prepared to find out by myself but I was so happy to find out SHE is a girl. I continued to cry for a while as I thought about having the opportunity to be a mommy to another girl. The tension in my body completely released and I felt a sense of peace and huge relief.
I was convinced this baby was a boy. My pregnancy has been so different than it was with Brooklyn. But I also think I convinced myself it was a boy so that if it in fact was, my heart wouldn't be completely devestated. Of course all we want this time around is a healthy, living, breathing baby, but I have always wanted a little girl. When we lost Brooklyn, I wondered if I would ever have this opportunity again in my life. I convinced myself that she was our only shot, and we would only have boys from now on.
Just over an hour after the scan started, he said "okay, we're all done." He printed off a picture and asked if I had anyone in the waiting room. I said yes and he said he needed to go to his computer and make sure he had all the images he needed. He told me to go empty my bladder and get Derek and our moms and bring them back to the scan room.
I walked out the doors to the waiting room and I could tell that they were concerned I was the one coming to get them. I'm sure they felt relieved when I had a huge smile on my face. I told them they could come back now. As we walked down the hallway, I said "he already told me the sex." We got in the room and I said "at first I couldn't tell, but he pointed it out and it was really obvious." "It's a boy then" they all said. With a big smile on my face I said "it's actually a girl." They were all so excited! And we waited for the tech to come back in to show us our little girl. She looked so perfect. We watched her move around for a bit and he showed us her different body parts, and then showed Derek and our moms that she is a girl.
By the time we were leaving the hospital, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. My body felt weak and sore from being so tense, but I was so excited to know that this little baby growing inside of me is a little sister. Our moms and Derek all asked how I felt about the news, and all I kept saying was "relieved." The stress and tension I had carried around for the past few months felt like it was all lifted off of my shoulders.
We are now one step closer to having a healthy baby in our arms. However, while last time at this point we felt relieved to know that we were officially in the "safe zone," this time we realize that there is never truly a safe zone until there is a healthy baby here.
Last night was the first time in months that I slept through the night. I didn't even wake up to go to the bathroom. I think it was a combination of being so completely exhausted from the day, and being relieved the scan is over.
We feel so blessed to be able to say things like "our girls." Being in the nursery I feel a huge sense of peace wash over me, as I know that we will be able to use some of the outfits, blankets, and toys that we had once hoped to use for Brooklyn. There are definitely some things that I won't be able to use for this baby girl because emotionally it will be too difficult. But once again my heart is full of joy.
This little girl will be her own little person, never replacing Brooklyn, never having to walk in her big sister's shadow. I wonder if she will look like Brooklyn. Will she have her curly brown hair or her cute little nose? I do know that she will always know she has a big sister who is always loved and forever missed. This little one will always be our second - no less important than our first.
I mourn the fact that these sisters will never get to do sister things together. They will never get to talk about boys together, steal each other's clothes, or paint each other's nails. I'm sad to know that Brooklyn will never have the chance to be the older wiser sister to this little one. As a big sister myself, I was excited for a firstborn girl and it makes me sad that Brooklyn can't do the things I have done for my little sister. While our family unit won't be "typical," it will be our own, and both of our girls will forever know how incredibly special and important they each are.
We are so very thankful for all the prayers and positive thoughts. I know they helped us get through yesterday.
Today I am 19 weeks and officially half way through this pregnancy, a place I wasn't sure I would ever make it to again. We're so excited to dream new dreams for this baby girl. To prepare for her just as we did with her sister, and to meet her in 19 more weeks.
So very happy for you all! What great news!
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