The Tension and The Terror

This pregnancy has been no walk in the park. When I think back to being 16 weeks along with Brooklyn, I remember the sense of peace I had as I was well past the eagerly awaited 12 week mark. With this pregnancy, the more time that passes, the more anxious I become.

Losing a child at any stage or age is completely devastating, but losing our firstborn has come with some unique challenges. Here has been my experience with pregnancy so far - one pregnancy, one death. We still do not have the cause of death for our Brooklyn so my mind likes to do this thing called self-blame. I am constantly thinking things like "was it the nausea medication that caused her heart to be weak?" "Was it the decaf coffee I drank in the end of my pregnancy?" "Did I bounce too hard on my exercise ball when I was trying to prepare my body for childbirth?" I still am not convinced that my body is able to get to a point where it can provide us with a living baby.

While I am completely terrified of losing this child, we are thankful for the moments of hope we have. I cried the first time we saw the baby on the ultrasound and we were able to confirm a heartbeat. And I cried the first time I heard the baby's heart beat loud and strong. With Brooklyn I was excited for these things but they seem to hold new weight now. I have even thought about (yet not brave enough to do yet...) buying a few new baby clothes and other items the past couple of weeks. Something that seems so reckless when there is no guarantee of a living baby in the end of this journey. This is the unique tension of pregnancy after the loss of your firstborn.

I've been going through more of Brooke's stuff and trying to decide what we will keep and what we will let go of and buy different for this baby. This has not been an easy task. I've been trying to sell our stroller for a while now. We weren't 100% convinced when we bought the stroller for Brooklyn, and now that we are hopeful for this winter baby, it's not the most suitable for that kind of terrain. This has been one of the hardest things to do. I've had many people in weeks past offer us the full asking price, and then I come up with an excuse as to why I want to keep it or chicken out and cancel on the person. Tomorrow we have someone who is seriously interested coming to check it out and I know it will be hard. Hard to let go of something that is Brooklyn's - something that she was never able to use but was still hers all the same. It is these unique challenges that makes this pregnancy so hard.

If baby is cooperative, we will find out October 8th if this is another little lady or a boy and as the time gets closer I become more nervous - not jut about the baby's gender but about the anatomy scan in general. This scan is the one where if anything is seriously wrong, they normally find it. Since becoming part of the baby loss community, I know all too well just how many different things can go wrong. People tell me not to focus on the "small chance" of those complications happening, but when you've been one of those statistics already, it is hard to not want to be prepared for every possible outcome. Like I said - one baby, one death. This is all I know this far.

We have approximately 22 weeks left of this very long journey. Please continue to pray for us in the weeks and months to come.