5x5

Today marks 5 months since our sweet girl was born. Every month the 4th and 5th are really hard days for me emotionally, but this month seems to be even harder. I woke up this morning with a bad migraine so that likely didn't help.

I'm finding that as time goes on, I mourn the loss of Brooklyn deeper and more intensely. Some days have gotten easier, but some are much harder than even the days following her birth.

I've decided to finally put together a baby book for her. A place where all of our memories and photos of her can be safely kept. One thing I've been struggling with, is the fact that we do not have a birth certificate to add to the book. Even though I was in labour when we lost her, because she was not a "live birth", the government refuses to recognize her personhood. Because of this, we don't have a death certificate either. In the eyes of the government, we are simply a number that will be entered in the Census - one of the 1 in 160 who lose their child to stillbirth. While I understand the reasoning for no official birth certificate, it still hurts. It hurts that our daughter is not recognized. To us, she is a very real person who was in fact born. I went through labour and delivered her just like another other mother does. And yet she is not recognized.

The Monday after we lost her, we went back to the hospital to meet with the Labour and Delivery social worker. I cannot say enough nice things about her. As a social worker, I have pretty high expectations when it comes to someone being in a very influential role like that. She was just amazing, completely validated our feelings, told us what to expect in the months and years to come, and even helped us with funeral arrangements. One of the things she said was that as time goes on, grief may become more raw for us. She explained how most couples tell her that the people around them expect for them to be back to the way they once were. She was very honest in saying that we simply would never be the same.

I'm not sure I fully believed her at the time, but it has become more clear that a lot of people think that 5 months is a long time - long enough to be "done" with grieving. I've said this before and I'm sure I will say it again - we will never be done grieving the loss of our daughter. I have had to learn to adjust my expectations of people around me, and have learned to try to not take things personally. I understand how hard it must be for people around us to know that we will just never be the same again. To know that in a situation like this, there are no solutions or ways to "fix" it.

We live in a society that is full of solution-based ways of thinking. Lately I'm learning to be okay with however I am feeling - whether that be sad, angry, envious, happy. We do not need to shut down our feelings and try to make everything better. That is how we become sad bitter people in the end who never truly deal with the crap this world throws our way.

I still have yet to go a full day without thinking about Brooklyn often. But I've had more mornings where she isn't the first thing I think of when I wake up.

Smelling her blanket still brings me comfort, and I'm thankful her scent has not yet faded. I have recently experienced a lot of motherly guilt as I have not been able to visit her as often because of my crazy work schedule. I try to be gentle with myself, knowing that it just isn't right to have to "visit" my 5 month old in a cemetery anyway.

We recently received an email from the monument and marker place with a draft of what hers will look like, and I'm really looking forward to it finally going up. Something no parent should have to look forward to. I'm just ready for her place to look complete. For people to know that it is our daughter who is buried there.

Life for Derek, Samson and I has been a little bit crazy lately and is about to get a lot busier with Derek starting up junior and senior high youth groups during the week again. Please continue to pray for us and this new season as summer turns into fall - a season that was once my favourite. Now I am stuck between looking forward to the newness fall brings, and mourning more "firsts" that we will miss out on. Thanksgiving and Halloween are just around the corner and are two more first holidays where our family will feel one person short.