Our Rainbow of Hope

It is with very hopeful hearts that we announce we are pregnant with baby #2 - a rainbow baby. Another couple who lost their daughter and announced their rainbow baby explained it like this:

"In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."

I am 14.5 weeks pregnant, and officially in the second trimester. Baby is due March 5th, 2015 - exactly 11 months after Brooklyn was born. I have always wanted our kids to be close together, but never imagined 11 months apart. The baby will be a February baby as I will either be induced or have a scheduled C-section around 38 weeks.

Some of you may remember how sick I was in my pregnancy with Brooklyn. It was non-stop "morning" sickness and eventually I was put on medication because I couldn't hold anything down, and was struggling to function day to day. This time, the sickness was just as bad, but thankfully, I had relief at times. It was not as constant this time around. I decided (for many reasons) not to go on the medication again no matter how bad my morning sickness got. While it was really hard some days, I am very happy with my choice. Now that I'm into the second trimester, I'm no longer sick! This is great news because with Brooklyn I was still nauseous and vomiting until around 32 weeks.

After the morning sickness stopped, the headaches began. This is a new symptom as I never had headaches with Brooklyn. But I'm trying not to complain too much because I'll take a headache over morning sickness any day...

We will be finding out this baby's sex in the next 4-6 weeks. I've already had people ask which sex we would "prefer" the baby to be. In some ways, I feel like having a boy would be easier. New hopes and dreams, and a new experience altogether. But if I'm being truly honest, my heart has always longed for a daughter. I have never meant it more when I say that in the end of this pregnancy, no matter girl or boy, all we want is a healthy, living, breathing baby. One that we can raise and parent.

This is definitely not how I imagined my second pregnancy to be. I had pictured our little Brooklyn in my bump update pictures, and imagined putting a "Big Sister" shirt on her to announce our second little miracle.

I am missing her a lot this pregnancy. A space that was once only ever shared by her and I is now being taken over by another little baby. While I love this baby so much already, part of me is feeling guilty.  I've just started to feel little baby flutters and am looking forward to the big strong kicks. I know that these kicks will both be reassuring and hard at times, as I know it will bring back lots of memories of carrying Brooklyn.

We are very excited for this little one, but this pregnancy will be much different than our last. We are still celebrating the joyful moments and able to enjoy this time. But this pregnancy also comes with a lot of fear. Fear that the same thing will happen again. I have been reassured by my doctor and midwife that our chances of losing this baby are no higher this time around than they were the last. This both makes me feel better, and makes me nervous because 1 in 160 is still a scary number. And we are being followed much closer this time around. Around 35 weeks I will have weekly ultrasounds to ensure my fluid is a good level, the baby is getting enough oxygen, and my placenta is still working. I'm looking forward to be followed by both an OB and midwife this time, as we will have the best of both worlds.

One of my fears about telling people we are pregnant again, was that people would assume we are okay now. We are still grieving, and still missing our baby girl. And this baby will in no way replace Brooklyn or any of the things we are missing out on with her.

Please pray for us during this pregnancy. For this baby to continue growing healthy and strong. For our fears to be as little as possible so we can continue to be excited about this little miracle. For wisdom and discernment for the OB and midwives taking care of us. And that in the end of this pregnancy, we will have a living breathing miracle in our arms. While most couples are expecting, we are just hoping - hoping and praying that things are different this time around.