She Called Her By Name

Since my first year at McMaster, I haven't had a family doctor. I have been searching for one for the past couple of years on and off, and got very lazy and discouraged towards the end. I really wanted a female doctor, preferably near our house, and was trying to get in to the McMaster Family Practice. I would call every couple of months but they were never accepting new clients.

After losing Brooklyn, it was necessary to have a family doctor. This was a bigger priority than ever before, but I had no energy or drive to be able to search yet again. A good friend of mine called McMaster Family Practice for me and *somehow* got me in. I think part of it may have been her persistence and personality type that allows her to make things happen and get things done :)

This Wednesday I met with the new doctor for the first time. I've had some bad experiences in the past with family doctors, so I was very nervous. I also knew that I would have to share Brooklyn's story at some point in our initial meeting, because it is now a very important part of my medical records. Needless to say, I was very anxious heading into this appointment.

The receptionist called my name, and I sat in the exam room waiting. The doctor came in and right away I noticed she had an accent. She told me she was from New Zealand and apologized if there were things I could not understand. She said she has no problem repeating 2, 3, or even 10 times if that's how long it takes for me to completely understand what she is saying. I felt comfortable with her right away. The knots in my stomach began to loosen.

She spent a good portion of the appointment explaining how the Family Practice works, and then told me about her research and teaching interests. I am a big nerd when it comes to things like that so I was very interested to hear what her research focused on.

Then came the part in the appointment where she had to go through my medical and social history. I started to become anxious again as she asked me if there is anything they need to know about my medical history. Talking about Brooklyn to people who have no idea what happened has been very challenging for me to navigate. I feel as if there is no way to ease people into the bomb I am about to drop on them. I talked a bit about my medical history first, and then she noticed all of the medications I said I was on when I initially filled out the paper work. "Perfect", I thought. "This is a good transition." I explained to her that when I filled it out, I had just given birth to our daughter and was no longer on the medications. I then told her that we had unfortunately lost our daughter.

She looked at me with eyes full of empathy, and told me she was sorry. She then went on to ask what had happened. I explained our story and outcome of some of our test results to her. She said that she had a good friend who had a very similar thing happen to her. Again I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Not only did I have a medical professional who would understand my story from a medical standpoint, but a doctor who would also understand from a personal and emotional perspective.

And then she asked what our daughters name is. I told her it was Brooklyn, and she smiled and said she loved it. For the rest of my appointment, she continued to call Brooklyn by name. She even entered her name into the computer system and typed "Firstborn: daughter named Brooklyn..."

This might seem like a very simple thing. Some people may wonder what the significance of this is - and that's okay. But to me, having people call Brooklyn by name means that they are acknowledging she existed, was and is important, and is an integral part of my story.

I think that sometimes people assume that saying her name or talking about her will be upsetting to me or remind me of what we have lost. But the reality is, I am constantly thinking about her and I am always wanting to talk about her. Just because we lost her, doesn't mean I am not so proud to be a mom and to have a beautiful daughter.

At the end of the appointment, she told me she is looking forward to walking beside me during future pregnancies. I could have cried right then and there.

She had given me a small glimpse of hope, and I knew I had found a great doctor when she called Brooklyn by name.