(Happy) Mothers Day

My precious girl,

Today was supposed to be a happy day. When I was pregnant with you, I had imagined this day much differently. I was excited to spend my first Mother's day with you, my new baby girl. Instead I woke up with an aching heart - one that continued to ache all day long.

Leading up to today, I knew it was going to be hard, but I had no idea just how hard it would be. I thought maybe you would come to mind more often, or I would be a little more sad than usual, but you were on my mind the entire day. I had flashbacks often today. Mostly about our labour and delivery together, and even about leaving the hospital. I know that this is a normal part of the process. Mummy worked on a child abuse team at the hospital when I was newly pregnant with you, and there learned to work from a trauma-informed perspective. Because of this, my brain has a pretty good understanding of the effects of trauma, and I knew that eventually these effects would creep in, but my heart was not prepared. 

My heart ached all day long today. And my arms felt heavy and ached too. It was one of the hardest days yet - even harder than Easter. And I know there will be many more hard days to come in the next few months. Especially with Mummy's birthday and graduation coming up. Things just aren't the way they should be without you my sweet girl.

We had lunch at your Grandma's today with your both your Grandpas, Granny, and Aunt Hannah. This Mother's Day I am especially thankful for your Granny and Grandma. Since having you, I feel like I am able to understand on a different level the love they have for your Daddy and I. They have been so loving and supportive my entire pregnancy with you, but especially since we lost you. I am so glad that they were in the delivery room when you came into this world. It's something I will cherish forever. I wish you could have had more time with them...

Your Daddy, Samson and I visited you tonight. I think Samson misses you almost as much as we do. He smells your blanket often, and gets really excited when we drive in to come visit you. The cemetery was busier than it normally is. Lots of people were visiting their mothers, but we were visiting you our sweet girl. We noticed tonight that you have a new neighbour.  She was buried beside you sometime between Wednesday night and Sunday. The flowers and wreaths placed on the grave said "Mom". I had a heavy heart for that family, having to bury their mother so close to Mother's Day. 

I cried on your Daddy's shoulder when we visited tonight. Your little grave looks oh so small next to the full size person next to you. It makes me so sad knowing they lived so much life, while yours was cut so short. We realized tonight that there is another little girl buried close to you too. Her name is Hannah Grace and she was just four when she went to be with Jesus. It is not right that are three little girls buried so close together - taken way too soon. Parents should never have to bury their children. It just isn't fair. 

Lots of people tried to make today a better day for me. I am very thankful for these people. Especially your Daddy. He wrote me a nice card thanking me for making him a Daddy and for helping him to remember you always. He also got me a very thoughtful gift - a bracelet with a heart pendant. He said it made him think of you because it is a big heart with a smaller diamond heart inside of it. It is like my heart is holding yours - and it is my sweet girl. My heart will always hold yours so dearly. It was such a perfect gift. Your Daddy knows how to pick gifts well. He is such a great husband to me. And a great Daddy too. 

I wish you could have spent more time with him. He is the most patient and loving man I know, and I know he was the perfect Daddy for a little girl like you. When we found out we were having a girl, I was so excited. I often pictured your Daddy teaching you things, playing dress up, and having tea parties. But I was most excited for him to show you how a man should love and honour you. And was excited to see him walk you down the aisle one day to a man who could never love you as much as him, but would spend his whole life trying. These are all hopes and dreams that have been shattered since losing you, Brooklyn. I hope and pray that God gives your Daddy and I another baby girl someday. I know he will be the perfect Daddy no matter what babies God decides we should have, but only certain Daddy's are perfect for little girls... and he is one of them. 

I was given some very thoughtful presents today, but there is one that is very dear to me. Two very special people in my life got me a Willow Tree figurine. I have always loved them, but this one is perfect. It is called "Guardian". It is a Mum holding her baby close. The bottom of it says "Love and protect thee, forever." My sweet girl, I spent nine months protecting you. I gave up certain foods, didn't go bowling or ice skating, ate my veggies and took my vitamins, drank lots of water, limited my coffee intake, did prenatal yoga and walked a lot. I tried my best to protect you from everything that was in my control, and I would do it all over again. The way the little figurine is holding the baby so close, is the way that I held you in that hospital room. I will love and cherish this present forever, as it reminds me of the very special bond that you and I have together - a bond that formed as soon as you were conceived, and will last a lifetime. 

I miss you so much that it hurts. Today was not a happy Mother's Day, Brooklyn. But I am so thankful that you are the beautiful girl that made me a Mum. I will forever be grateful for that privilege. 

Love you - always & forever,

Mum xo