Our First Fifth

Dear Sweet Brooklyn,

This is our first fifth without you. It has been one whole month since you came into this world, so beautiful and perfect. That day was full of moments of extreme heart ache, but also moments of pure and indescribable joy. I know some people won't understand how there could have been moments of joy on your birthday Brooklyn, but it was the day your Daddy and I got to finally meet you. I wish so badly I could go back to that day. It was worth all of the pain and heartache that came with it.

You are still the first thing I think of as I get up in the morning, and the last on my mind at night. The mornings are still the hardest. Many mornings my arms physically ache and long to be holding you, my baby girl. My heart aches too. It aches when I hear a baby's cry. It aches when I see a Daddy and his daughter together. It aches when I see the mom on our street walking with the same stroller and car seat we had picked out for you, our precious girl. It aches when I see a little girl with curly brown hair. And it aches when I see a mother holding her baby in a sling or carrier. When I was pregnant with you, I bought three carriers. I know this seems excessive, but I was so excited to be able to hold you so close to my heart when you were born. I used to daydream about carrying you in the slings, and seeing your Daddy carry you too. Brooklyn - I long to hold your tiny body against mine, but know that you will always be held so dearly in my heart.

Mummy went back to work last week. It has been so nice to see old regular customers again. One lady that I have come to know and love, overheard another employee talking about how we lost you, and she came up to me on my break. She told me that she too lost her first baby. She shared how painful that experience was, but also said that she too is a believer and knows she will meet that baby in Heaven one day. She then went on to say that she and her husband ended up having three more healthy children. This gives me hope. My dear Brooklyn, my heart SO desires to be a mother to more children. You will always be our first, and you will NEVER be replaced, but I desperately hope that your Daddy and I are able to have more children. You are so special because you are our FIRST born. This is something you and I share together. You are the beautiful girl who made me a Mum. My heart feels sad that you will not be able to experience what it is like to have younger siblings on this earth. But I know that one day your Daddy and I will meet with you in Heaven, and I hope and pray that you will be able to play with your future little siblings.

Yesterday in church we sang the song "10,000 reasons" by Matt Redman. You used to wiggle around inside of me when this song played and I was pregnant with you. I like to think that you loved this song  as much as I do, and were dancing to it. I'm still struggling to sing worship songs in church. It is hard because I believe that God is true and faithful, but right now it is really hard to sing about it. Yesterday I still wasn't able to sing this song, but I found hope in these lyrics:

"And on that day
When my strength is failing
The end draws near
And my time has come
Still my soul will
Sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years
And then forevermore"

You see my sweet girl, I realized yesterday that my earthly life without you is such a small amount of time in comparison to "ten thousand years and then forevermore" with you in Heaven. How amazing is that? This doesn't make me miss you any less, or make the hurt go away, but it gives me a bit of hope to hang on to.

I visit you often my love. Last week I came to see you, and I found myself so angry. I was angry because I was reading all of the other memorial stones of people who have passed and are buried close to you. All of them were older people. They had the chance to live long lives. Their mother's were able to hold them in their arms and rock them to sleep. And they were able to experience things on earth that you never were.

And then on my way back to the car, I noticed the memorial stone of a little girl just two years old. My heart began to ache for her parents. I too know how hard it is to lose a child. But my sweet baby, I know that you are with her in Heaven, and I even like to think that you are friends with little "Mikaela". I daydream about you two running through wild flowers together. It gives me peace knowing all the others who have been lost before you. I know that you are being held so closely by so many people who love you in Heaven. And I like to think that even Jesus himself has cuddled you for me.

Sweet Brooklyn, I will continue to write to you as it helps me feel closer and more connected.

I love you with a love that only a mother knows. Such a strong and indescribable love. One that is able to find you always.

Love always and forever,

Mum xo