The Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief and loss (Axelrod, 2006):

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Today we went to Brooklyn's grave site for the first time since her burial.

I hate that we even need to "visit" our daughter. She should be with us. It wasn't supposed to be this way. We should be showing our daughter off to family and friends this Easter, not visiting her in a cemetery. No parent should have to bury their child. No parent should have to long to hold their child in their arms, or to hear their cry. No parent should have to wonder what colour their child's eyes would have been, what their voice would sound like, or who they would grow up to be. While I was pregnant, we used to talk about who Brooklyn would be more like. I often teased Derek and said that I hoped she would be a good mix of both of us - with his patience and my stubbornness.

Today I am frustrated. I am frustrated because we should have our daughter with us. Easter wasn't supposed to look like this. Life wasn't supposed to happen this way. We should have a two week old baby girl with us. I am also envious. I am envious of all of the parents who were able to do Easter egg hunts with their children this morning - to see the joy on their children's faces. I am envious of the people who were able to have Easter dinner without having intense feelings of sadness and longing. Don't get me wrong - I do not ever wish these feelings on anyone else. I wish that things like this would never happen to anyone. But I also wish so badly that this did not happen to us.

I have moved from the denial and isolation stage to anger. The natural defence mechanism that helped to buffer the immediate shock of losing our daughter has now passed. The weight of what this loss means has started to become a brutal reality.

While I know that anger is a natural and necessary stage of grieving, I do not want to stay here. This place is one full of bitterness and confusion. I want to "deal" with this stage as quickly as possible so that I am able to move on to the next. However - I am well aware that the stages of grief are not linear, nor are they finite. At times I may go two steps forward, one step back. I know that I will continue to go through these stages for a very very long time. In fact, I may be struggling my way through these different stages for the rest of my life. This reality is something I need to learn to be okay with.

For now, I will try to do being angry well. I am not sure what that looks like yet. But I am thankful for the people in my life who will not let me get stuck in this place. The ones who will hold me accountable and push me closer to "Acceptance".

Axelrod, J. (2006). The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617