Our New "Normal"

Something that we have been struggling with lately, is understanding what our new "normal" looks like. Before we got pregnant with Brooklyn, we lived our life a certain way. We had our daily/weekly routines, lived a particular lifestyle, and had specific hopes and dreams for the future. Once we were pregnant, these and other priorities changed. We had pictured what the rest of our life would look like by including Brooklyn in all of these thoughts, hopes and dreams. I feel like we are now stuck somewhere in between our old normal and the normal we had expected to have once she arrived.

We are having a hard time navigating what our life should look like after losing our baby. We've come to the realization that we will never be the same. We are changed people since becoming parents. I struggle every day with understanding who I am and what my new identity is. I completed my university degrees in December, so I'm no longer a student. At the same time, while I am a mother, I do not have a child who is physically present in our every day life. It feels like there is no physical proof that I am a mother. Even my role as a wife has changed since we have experienced this deep loss. 

I am learning that after losing Brooklyn, there will still be lots of "firsts," just not the way we had pictured. When we had imagined what this Easter would look like, we pictured having our new baby girl, who would likely be wearing her first "Easter dress". Instead, Easter will look much different this year and years to come. I am sure that all of the first holidays without her will be extremely difficult. I am even struggling to decide whether or not I will go to my graduation in June. I always joked with Derek that I would be the only graduate walking with a two month old across the stage. Graduation will not feel the same without our sweet Brooklyn there to celebrate with us. This experience has forced us to change our expectations of both every day normal, and what normal will be like for holidays as well.

After finishing school, I was working as a casual Young Parent Worker at a residence for pregnant and parenting young moms. I've decided that I will not be returning back to that job as being around newborns will hit too close to home. I have also decided against looking for a new social work job. I think at this point in my life, working in this field will be too emotionally draining. It just wouldn't be fair to my husband who supports me when I come home, or the clients I would be working with. I have not given up on social work altogether - just for now. I've decided to go back to my old stomping grounds at Waterdown Starbucks. It's not emotionally draining, I know how to do it, and it will be a good distraction. I also have some friends who still work there, who I can't wait to laugh with again. Taking time to just do nothing the past few weeks has been much needed, but I know it is going to get old fast - especially with my personality type. I have always been a "doer," so feeling productive and having purpose is essential to ensuring good mental health for me.

Finding our new normal is going to be an ongoing struggle for us. Derek and I are going to need a lot of patience with ourselves and each other, as we rediscover who we are as individuals, a couple, and parents.

We have forever been changed by a 7lb 12oz baby girl, and will never be the same.