Reminders Everywhere

When we first found out that our baby girl's heart had stopped beating, two of our best friends came to visit us at the hospital. We asked them to go to our house on the way home, move all of Brooklyn's things into her bedroom, and shut the door. We had set up the play pen and swing in our living room to prepare for the arrival of our sweet girl. We also had pictures of ultrasounds and maternity photos all over our house. Friday April 4th, when we found out, I wanted all reminders of her to be erased. I wanted so badly for all of it to just go away. I didn't want to constantly be reminded of the child that I had carried to term, and then lost without explanation.

I still have yet to enter her bedroom. I fear the intense feelings that it will make me confront. I know that   entering that room will force me to remember decorating the nursery, washing all of her clothes and blankets, setting up her bedding, watching how excited and proud Derek was to put together her crib, and sitting in her nursery praying over her while she moved around inside of me.

I have come to realize that even while all of Brooklyn's "things" are out of sight, I am confronted with reminders of our baby girl constantly. Commercials on TV have babies and families everywhere, our kitchen table is full of flowers, and we live across the street from a public school. Even a simple trip to Dairy Queen is hard. We went so often while I was pregnant with her, that I am not even able to order the same thing I normally would because it is just too difficult of a reminder.

And then there are the physical reminders. Up until 37 weeks, I had no stretch marks on my belly. I thought this was such a big accomplishment. And then after 37 weeks, the bottom of my belly exploded with stretch marks. I remember being so upset. I even cried. Now that there is no baby inside of me, my stomach skin is stretchy, the stretch marks are still present, and my belly button will never look the same. There are also other physical changes that happen naturally after giving birth. Even though I do not have a baby to feed, my body does not know this and prepares itself anyway. When I get anxious or stressed, my stomach always begins to act up. When I wake up in the morning and my stomach hurts, it is yet another reminder that I am a mother without her child.

One day I will feel strong enough to enter Brooklyn's bedroom. I will feel okay with going through all of the things that she will never be able to enjoy. But for right now, the door will remain closed. I will however feel thankful for the marks on my body that prove I carried her for 39 weeks and 4 days. They are reminders of all of the experiences and "firsts" that I was able to have with my baby girl. And they will help me remember her forever. I will always be amazed by my body and what is has done. From conception to delivery, the whole process amazes me. Sometimes I understand how the faith of people can be tested or shaken after the loss of a child, but then I remember the incredible miracle that I got to be a part of. She will forever be my favourite little miracle.