Tuesday, 20 December 2016

A Thrill of Hope...

Life with a 22m old and 5m old is busy to say the very least. While I still think of Brooklyn often, my mind is no longer consumed with thoughts of her. But Christmas time always seems to be different.

I have felt especially tired and worn down lately. I really couldn't pin point why (other than this season being busier than normal), and then I realized how often she has come to my mind recently. For some reason, everything about Christmas makes me think of her. This year it started when I decorated our tree. I kept having flashbacks to decorating our tree the Christmas I was pregnant with her. I remember it so clearly. The Sound of Music live musical (with Carrie Underwood!!) was on TV (back when we still had cable...), I was sipping on hot chocolate and had a belly in between me and the tree, making it a bit harder to manoeuvre around the tree.

That Christmas was especially full of hope for me. I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I was so excited and kept thinking about how the following year, we'd have an 8 month old baby in our arms. It felt surreal. But as I decorated our tree, I kept feeling our baby girl move inside of me, almost as if she was full of anticipation too.

And then the excitement, anticipation, joy - all of it was gone.

Christmas 2014 was one of the darkest places I have ever been in. To say I was "weary" would be an understatement. That year, we didn't even get a tree. I did very minimal decorating, and found it very difficult to bring myself to do any of our Christmas traditions. Our arms were empty, and even though my belly was full, I just wanted my biggest girl to be with us.

The one hope I was able to hold onto, was my faith. As much as it had been tested and as many times as I questioned God and his Sovereignty, I knew with certainty that He sent His only son to die for my sins. More importantly to me, He sent His only Son so that my daughter did not have to die, but could have eternal life with Him.

The past two years, we sponsored a family through CCAS with a child Brooklyn's age. This year, our new church does a toy drive, so we bought a toy for a child Brooklyn's age. Things like this help heal my heart. I so look forward to the day when Aubrey and Aveline can pick out the toy themselves.

"A thrill of Hope, the weary world rejoices!" On a quiet night, a baby was born in a stable, with no medical intervention or equipment, to a mother and father who were very unprepared for Him. He is the ultimate provider of hope and restoration.

Please remember that Christmas isn't a joyful season for everybody. Many people are grieving, some people struggling to put food on their table, pay their hydro bill, don't know how they will provide their children with presents, or simply don't have any family members or close friends to spend Christmas with. Please be kind. Please slow down and don't let the busyness of this season weigh on you. If you're blessed enough to have children, please enjoy each and every moment you have with them this season and try not to take their life for granted. Unplug if you need to. If that helps you to be intentional with the people around you this season. Be kind. Help someone at the grocery store, do a random act of kindness, drop off some baking at your local hospital.

If you are someone who is struggling in this season, know that it's okay to celebrate as much or as little as you need to. Be gentle on yourself, and do what you need to in order to survive listening to "it's the most wonderful time of the year" and other lyrics that can be equally as annoying when you don't feel that way.

"For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn!"




Sunday, 23 October 2016

Hold Them Close

The other night as I was nursing Aveline before bed, I decided to intentionally connect with her instead of mindlessly scrolling through the internet like I normally do. While I looked down at her sweet face, I got a flashback to holding Brooklyn in the hospital. All of our girls look very similar, but Brooklyn and Aveline are especially alike.  Sometimes it makes me happy to know that seeing Aveline grow up is probably what it would be like to watch Brooklyn grow up, and other times it makes my heart physically ache for Brooklyn.

After I delivered Brooklyn, we spent 24hrs in the hospital with her. She was born at 1:20pm, and for some reason, I just felt like I needed to be with her until 1:20pm the next day. If I didn't get a lifetime with her, I needed to have a full day. It ended up being more like 2:30pm, because this would be the hardest thing I had ever done. The moments leading up to leaving her at the hospital, I held her in the bed, and intentionally studied her face. I kissed her a lot. Still today, I can feel exactly what my lips felt like on her cold face. I hope that feeling never goes away.

I realized a couple of weeks ago that as of October 5th, Brooklyn would have been 2.5 years old. Some days it feels like a life time ago that we had her, and others it feels like just yesterday. We have lived quite a lot of life in those 2.5 years including moving, a job change for Derek, and adding two more sweet girls to our family. So much has changed, but still, missing Brooklyn has remained a constant.

In the beginning days of losing her, people were so supportive and loved on us to help us through the unimaginable. But as the months went on, I felt a lot of pressure to "move on" with life. On top of the intense grief and longing for my daughter, I had lots of feelings of guilt for not being able to just move past this loss. Many days I would just pray for the grief to pass. Not wanting to fully sit and soak in the intensity of the feelings. I longed for life to be normal again. But after a while, I realized that life would never be the same. And that I was forever changed by this great loss. The loss of the daughter I carried and held, but would never take home. A daughter I would miss out on all of the "firsts" with. A daughter I would never see grow up into a beautiful strong woman.

If you were around at all when Aubrey was young, you know just how much I struggled. Aubrey was a baby who cried a lot and wanted to be held all the time. On top of that, I was so scared of losing her too, that I carried lots of fear with me. As you can imagine, this created quite a mixture of chaos in the first few months of her life. Eventually this stage passed, and we moved on to different challenges as she is quite a busy girl. I must mention that we love her dearly, and this type A personality is learning to embrace Aubrey for who God created her to be. I'm learning to let go of trying to make her fit into the mould I've created for her, and instead create space for her to be the wonderful little firecracker that she is. This is much easier said than done some days.

When we were expecting Aveline, I just assumed that she would have a similar personality to Aubs. I pictured having a 17m old and a newborn that would cry a lot and want to be held all the time. Aveline is such an easy going, sweet girl. She is so smiley, and loves to just look around and take in everything this world has to offer. I'm also much more comfortable this time around, and the fear and anxiety I carried in the beginning of Aubrey's life is much less. I find myself actually being able to enjoy her and my arms longing for snuggles instead of wanting to put her down at the first chance I get.

When you have a child who dies, you realize that our children are not promised to us for any length of time. As hard and terrible as it is to think of, there are no guarantees that we will outlive our children. Obviously this is not something to dwell on, but understanding this has made me want to be more intentional with my kids. It's so easy to get caught up in checking my phone constantly and not giving my kids one on one attention, or being short and impatient with Aubrey because I just don't feel like I have the energy to talk things through with her. I need to remember to make the days count. 

Now that Avy is interacting more with people and the world around her, it has been so cool to see her relationship with Aubs. She lights up when she sees Aubrey or hears her voice. I can't wait to continue to see this special sister friendship grow. I'm sure there will be arguments along the way (as there are with sisters), but I want to teach these girls just how blessed they are to have a forever friend. Someone who they can count on to love them always.

I consider all three of my girls such a blessing to me. All of them have taught me so much about myself, this world, and even about who God is. But I am especially thankful that Aveline's sweet personality has brought me to a place where holding my kids feels more like a joy and less like a burden.

Aubrey has started calling me "mom" a lot now (totally makes my mama heart ache), and Aveline is growing so fast and so not a little tiny newborn anymore. 

Hold them close. They're only little for so long.




Sunday, 11 September 2016

A Third Little Miracle

Eight weeks ago today, we were blessed with the safe arrival of our third daughter - Aveline Quinn.

July 17th was my set induction date. That morning at 6:30am, I called the hospital to see if we could come in. With Aubrey, I called in the morning and they weren't ready for me. I kind of just expected it would be the same way, and left my vacuuming for the morning. To my surprise, they told me to have a shower and some breakfast, and head in to the hospital. My floors would remain dirty until we got home from the hospital...

By the time they got the IV fluids and oxytocin, it was 10am. With Aubrey, I was stuck in bed on the monitors the entire time, but this time they let me walk around the hospital until I was in active labour. This made things so much better and less painful in the beginning for me!

Active labour didn't start until around 12:30pm. This was the point where I was struggling to talk through contractions, and walking was getting harder. Contractions were coming every 2 minutes.

At 1:15pm, my OB broke my water to try to get things moving faster. She checked me and I was only 4cm dilated. This was discouraging as I was already 3cm dilated the Thursday before when she checked me in clinic. Around 3:15pm, things were getting really intense. I had decided to not go in with a plan for the epidural. I had gotten it during my previous two labours, but wanted to try to go without. At 3:15, I decided to see if they would check me again. I told myself that if I was 7cm or more, I would keep going without the epidural. Unfortunately I was still 4cm. My cervix had thinned and softened but I was still 4cm. I asked for the epidural.

I'm glad that I did, because I didn't fully dilate until 2:10am on the 18th...

Backing up a bit - by 11:40pm I was 8cm and came to the conclusion that Aveline wasn't coming until the next day.

Derek and I spent the evening trying to narrow down baby names, as we still hadn't decided on a name for this lady. This was so very different than with Brooklyn and Aubrey who were named shortly after the anatomy scan when we found out they were girls.

Around 12:20am, I started feeling a bit of pressure, but not enough to push. At 2:10am, the nurse came in to empty my bladder with the catheter and said "do you feel any pressure, because your baby's head is RIGHT here. She has lots of hair!" She quickly called for the OB to come, and my midwife quickly got into her scrubs too. This baby was coming fast.

I hadn't been pushing very long and the nurse said "your baby is right here, a few more pushes and she will be out." "Do you promise?" I said. I didn't believe her and thought she was just trying to encourage me. With Brooklyn and Aubrey, I pushed for 20 minutes. I thought given my track record, it would be the same this time around. Avy had other plans... They told me to stop pushing, and I heard a loud "pop" (sorry for the graphic description), and Avy came out. She literally pushed herself out the rest of the way.

The induction took quite a while but once Avy, decided she was coming, she came very quickly.

8 minutes after the nurse saw her head, out sweet Aveline Quinn was in my arms.

When Aubrey was born, her cord was too short for her to go right on my chest. This time, Aveline was able to come right on me after they let me pull her up as she was coming into the world.

I will never ever forget that moment. The first thing I said to her was "You look like Aubrey!" And then I cried. A lot.

The whole labour and birth process this time around was so relaxed compared to the previous two. I felt so much less anxious, and felt nothing but joy when she was born. I felt a little disconnected when Aubrey came out (for many reasons), and will always feel guilty for that. This time, no guilty - just joy. I can't say enough how great this third labour experience was for me. The delivery I have always wanted.

Much to our surprise, she was a whopping 7lbs 11oz and 20inches long at just 37+4! I don't want to know how big she would have been at 40+ weeks... She was also the exact same weight and height as me when I was born! And it seems we make very consistently size babies at 7lbs 12oz, 7lbs 9oz and 7lbs 11oz.

So far Aveline has been such an easy going baby. We are so thankful for that because she entered an already very busy household!

When Avy was 3 weeks old, we spent 4 days in the hospital as she was diagnosed with a viral infection. This was a really scary time for our family, and brought up a lot of emotions for me. When you've lost a child before, and another one gets very sick, it's very scary. Scary for any parent, I'm sure, but it forced me to go through some emotions I hadn't in a while.

I continue to think of Brooklyn often. It's hard because there are many times I think about her, or want to talk about her. Sometimes I feel like if I do bring her up, other people will think I'm dwelling on the past or haven't dealt with things. The truth is, talking about her helps me process and heal.

When we sing songs about Heaven in church, I always get a little teary-eyed (sometimes I even full out cry.) Heaven was always going to be such an amazing place, but somehow has been made even sweeter knowing I have a little girl who is there to show me around. I often picture what that reunion will be like. Will she look like a baby still or a big girl? Will I recognize her? Will she recognize me? Will she call me "mama" or "mommy" or "mom" (Aubrey has just started doing this and it hurts my heart to be mom and not mommy!!!). So many questions, and while I don't want to rush it, I so look forward to that day.

Two babies under 18 months has kept me very busy. But it's not as chaotic as I envisioned. I'm actually quite proud of myself for the little routines we've established to make our household run smoother. And I'm so very thankful for the amazing husband I have, who has picked up where I have fallen short. Especially with Aubrey. Since I'm nursing Avy, often times Aubrey gets my leftover attention. There's a lot of guilt that comes with that, but her and Derek have become even closer than they were before, and it makes my heart so happy to see their relationship.

Avy fits into our family so very well, and I really can't remember our lives without her. I so look forward to watching her grow into her own little person, and especially watching her and Aubrey grow up together.






Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Undeserving

This past weekend, I spoke at a women’s retreat called Soaked in Truth. It was my first weekend away from Aubs, and although I was speaking and came home exhausted, I felt refreshed and renewed. It was wonderful to be a part of a weekend where women came together, and were honest in their life struggles. No sugar-coating, no bible-thumping, just real authentic women saying “sometimes, life sucks, and you need to walk through the fire.”

This week, I have been feeling convicted about living authentically and what that looks like. I thought I was doing a good job at being real with the struggles motherhood has brought me, but when I scrolled through my Instagram account, I realized that things look pretty great from the outside.

Don’t get me wrong, things are pretty great in my life. I love being a mama. It’s the only thing (besides being a wife) I’ve consistently wanted to be for as long as I can remember. But I think as mothers, sometimes we struggle with sharing just how hard being a mom can be. Day after day, trying to raise little people to become adults who will make a difference in this world, love the Lord, and not screw them up. Not to mention the food/milk splatter, time outs, and trying to stay consistent with discipline in between.

Tonight I was having a particularly hard night. I was trying to vacuum before Aubrey’s bath time, and Aubrey was not being cooperative. Running away and getting into trouble every chance she got. I had to stop what I was doing, and redirect every 30 seconds. Now that I’m typing it out, it seems really silly. There are many parents who are dealing with things much more difficult than having their vacuuming interrupted. But this particular time ended in me losing my patience with Aubrey, and resulted in her crying because of me (both because I had run out of patience, and because she wasn’t getting her way). After the fact, I was so sad that I couldn’t even handle vacuuming and watching one child. My mind started swirling with thoughts like “how am I going to handle this in 4 weeks time
when there is a newborn, a toddler, and still things to do around the house?” “Am I a terrible mom for losing my patience?”

And then the guilt set in. I know it’s normal for moms to lose their patience, but this particular time, I felt especially guilty.

After putting Aubrey to bed, I just kept thinking about how undeserving of her I am. Why was I given the privilege of raising her, and loving her, when there are so many people who seem so much more deserving than me?

Then I thought about my weekend away. Part of my talk was on trusting God. And trusting Him, means He knows what He’s doing. I shared with the women how our children are a gift, no matter how much or little time we have with them.

Aubrey is my gift. I don’t deserve her, but God trusts me with her. This reality is very daunting, and also so incredibly gracious of Him.

A little while after she fell asleep, I went upstairs to put her blanket on her that she had kicked off. I touched her back, and felt so strongly that I needed to pray over her. If you know me at all, prayer is not my strength or something that comes naturally to me, so this was a pretty big deal for me. I prayed that God would protect her, and that He would give me the tools I need to be the best mama to her.

I hope and pray that as moms, we can lift each other up and encourage each other as we do the hardest job we will ever do. I pray that that we will be authentic in our struggles, and that we remember our children are gifts.


Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Feelings So Fresh

It all started at 11:15pm on a Thursday night. April 3rd, 2014 to be exact. I had been feeling extra emotional that day, but had no signs of labour starting. I wasn't due until April 9th, but was so hoping our baby girl would decide to show up soon. I was uncomfortable, and very much done with being pregnant.

Contractions started coming every 5 minutes, pretty strong. Then they moved up to every 3 minutes. I tried to sleep, but  obviously couldn't. I took a bath, and contractions got stronger. The midwife came to our house to check me around 9:30am on the 4th. I was upset to find out I was still only at 1cm dilated. Her heartbeat was strong and steady. That whole day I continued to labour at home, as they only admit you when you're 4cm so I had no other choice. Walking around, moving around on the exercise ball, and wondering how the heck I was going to survive labour if those "strong" contractions had only gotten me to 1cm.

The midwife came to check again around 5pm. Still only at 2cm. This time she had a hard time finding her heart beat. She found it eventually, but it was faint. The midwife said she was likely face up, and that's why labour wasn't progressing, and it was hard to find her heart rate. My blood pressure had gone up significantly, so we all headed to the hospital and expected to stay there until she was born.

On the way there, we pulled into the underground parking and I said "The next time we leave here, we'll have a baby girl with us." I'll remember those words forever.

When we arrived, they hooked me up to the fetal monitor and couldn't find her heart rate. I could tell by the reactions in the room that something was wrong, and I began to feel anxious. They brought an ultrasound machine into the room, and the OB said "I'm so sorry." I burst into tears and kept saying "please don't leave me, please don't leave me." I'm still not sure if I was saying that to Derek or Brooklyn.

Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Not Just a Birthday

On February 15th, our sweet rainbow baby turned ONE. How very fitting it was that her birthday fell on family day. We decided to have her party a few days before her birthday on the Saturday. I spent lots of time planning and prepping and trying to make her party perfect. It turned out exactly how I wanted it to. It was Winter ONEderland themed, and of course featured her favourite character (right now...), Olaf!

Seeing the excitement on Aubrey's face when she saw the giant Olaf balloon and her Olaf birthday cake was so worth all of the time and energy I spent planning.

Something I wasn't prepared for, was the flood of emotions I would feel that weekend. I knew I would feel a little sad that my baby was getting older, and would now be "a year old" instead of "___ months." But I had no idea just how overwhelmed I would feel.

You see, for us, Aubrey's birthday wasn't just a birthday. I know every parent feels excitement for their child's first birthday, but for us, this birthday was more than a celebration of her birth - It was a celebration of her LIFE. It was a celebration of having a living baby in our arms for a whole year. A celebration of experiencing "firsts" that we missed out on with our sweet first born girl. A celebration of life after death.

I also didn't realize how much I would miss Brooklyn at the party. How I wish she was digging into the presents and "helping" her little sister open them. Or showing her little sister how to blow the candles out. Or showing her little sister (who had absolutely no interest in eating cake), that cake is delicious. She should be teaching Aubrey all of these things.

I continue to cry (and sometimes get angry) every time I hear the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul." My soul is so not okay with the ache that still happens from missing my daughter. Brooklyn's death will never be well with my soul. And to be honest - I think that's okay.

Thank you to those of you who read my last post and prayed that we would find a house. We DID! As if Aubrey's birthday weekend wasn't busy enough, we put an offer in on a house on Valentine's Day, and finally won! It's newly renovated, with three bedrooms and one in the basement, a big back yard, and down the street from a park, outdoor pool, and arena! We even have friends who live close by. It's perfect, and we're really looking forward to moving in. We get possession March 4th, so we're busy trying to organize, prepare, and pack.

My anatomy scan is booked for March 15th, and we're really looking forward to finding out baby number 3's gender. I'm starting to get a little nervous for the scan, because we know all too well just how many complications it can reveal, but I'm trying to stay positive and not worry until there's a reason to.

We continue to be so incredible thankful for Aubrey's birth, and more importantly, her life. Life with a baby who brings us so much joy and almost as much frustration at times. We love her, and we're grateful for all the ups and downs her life brings - because we have spent 20 months missing out on the ups and downs with Brooklyn.


One year of LIFE!


A heart dress for a baby induced on Valentine's Day!




Loving everyone singing to her!

Saturday, 6 February 2016

Twenty Two

Life in the Hisson household has been very busy as of late. In November, we found out we are expecting baby #3. This news came with lots of different emotions. This baby was planned and hoped for, but we thought it would take a little longer than it did. In the very beginning, I had days when I was just scared. Scared of what this would mean for us, and scared of what this would mean for Aubrey. Aubrey will only be 17 months old when this little one arrives, and I'm scared for how this will completely turn her world upside down. I still have times when I think about how big this change will be, but I can truly say that I am beyond excited for this precious baby.

It seems that all three of my pregnancies have been so different. I was really sick with Brooklyn and Aubs. With Brooklyn it lasted until around 32 weeks, and with Aubs it seemed more intense but stopped around 14 weeks. Yet again, I had the nausea and vomiting with this little one, but it didn't seem to hit me quite as hard as the first two times. I also noticed I wasn't as tired in the first trimester as I was with the girls. I think part if it has to do with the fact that I just didn't have time to be tired. Aubrey is so busy - I'm just used to having to chase her around all day and fake the energy - even when I feel like I have nothing left.

My official due date is August 4th, but I'll be induced between 37 and 38 weeks again - meaning we'll meet baby #3 sometime mid to late July! It's funny, I always said I would never have a summer baby or a winter baby, and now I'll have a baby in summer, winter AND spring. It still seems so surreal that I'm a mother of three now. We will find out this baby's gender sometime in March, and we're really looking forward to learning more about this little one growing inside of me!

I blogged a lot about how anxious I was being pregnant with Aubs. I've found myself much more relaxed this pregnancy. I think partly because I've been so preoccupied, and partly because this time around I know what to expect. I know that I will be monitored closely, and that my midwives and OB will take great care of me. I feel so blessed to have such a great medical team, who treat me as more than just another patient. They truly care about my well being, and the well being of this baby. I'm sure the further along I get, the more I will think about the "what ifs." Once you've lost a baby, or had someone close to you lose a baby, you realize that it can happen to anyone at any time. Unfortunately, no one is immune to baby or child loss. Even if you've already been through it. I personally find knowledge is power for me. When we lost Brooklyn, I did a lot of research. The research I did personally, along with the autopsy we got back, as well as the information my midwives and OB have given me, have helped me feel like there is a good chance this baby will be born alive and well - just like Aubrey was. Until then, we can only pray, and do everything in our own power to ensure this happens.

As if being pregnant wasn't enough, in early December we decided we would list our house in January. We worked hard all of December and half of January putting finishing touches on our house and staging it to sell. Thankfully it sold in 8 hours without conditions, so we were able to move back in the day after it was listed! It was so nice to not have the extra stress of a house on the market for a long time.

Since then, we've been looking at so many houses. We have put in two offers already, and lost both. The housing market in Hamilton is booming like crazy, and competition is FIERCE. Many houses are selling for $30,000-$40,000 over asking WITHOUT conditions. We're being pretty picky, because like our first house, we don't want to move for the next 5-10 years. So we're hoping something perfect, in one of our ideal areas comes up soon. Our house closes at the end of April so it would be great if we could "win" a house soon. That's honestly what it feels like these days... We put in an offer just praying we'll win.

On February 5th, Brooklyn would have been twenty-two months old. I can't believe it's been that long since I've held her, and kissed her cold little face. Aubrey plays with Brooklyn bear often, and it makes my heart so happy. We also keep Brooklyn's blanket on our bedside table, and she has taken an interest in that lately. I often say things like "we need to be very gentle with sissy's blanket - it's very special." She often responds by throwing it on the ground and smiling at me. She is trouble - but I know one day she will appreciate the few things we have left of Brooklyn.

Now that Aubs is saying words (her favourites are "daw" - dog, "yeah", "dada", "mama", "f-shhhh" - fish, and "woof"), I have thought many times about how great it will be when she can say "Brooke." I've tried practicing with her a few times now and she's not quite there, but I know when it does happen, it will be so very special.

Sometimes I watch Aubrey playing by herself and get really sad. I continue to mourn the lost relationship her and Brooklyn can no longer have this side of Heaven. I'm really excited to have a baby so close in age to Aubrey, but like Aubrey couldn't be, this baby will never be a replacement for Brooklyn. We will always be missing her in everything we do.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I recently had someone tell me they really miss my blogs. She told me her grandmother lost a baby, and even at 90 continues to think about her every day. I know that I will miss Brooklyn forever. I will miss her when she should be starting JK, I'll miss her when she should be graduating high school, and when she should be getting married and starting a family of her own. Missing her doesn't mean I don't appreciate what I do have. Trust me - when you lose a child, you count your blessings often. But it doesn't make the missing part hurt any less.

I'm so lucky to have so many close mom friends, and lots of little friends for Aubrey to play with. Recently we took a picture with all of the babies lined up by age. I couldn't help but think about a sweet little girl who was missing from the photo. She should have been there. She should be here every day, living this crazy life with us.

As time goes on, I miss her in different ways. But one thing that stays the same, is the missing part never leaves.

Please pray for us as we continue this pregnancy journey. I'm sure it will have its ups and downs - it already has. And please pray that the perfect house in a great neighbourhood comes up for us soon. We are going to miss our neighbourhood so much, and it would be nice to move into one where we are certain we can make new great memories.