Seven Pounds, Twelve Ounces and a Whole Lot of Love. : Not Just a Birthday

On February 15th, our sweet rainbow baby turned ONE. How very fitting it was that her birthday fell on family day. We decided to have her party a few days before her birthday on the Saturday. I spent lots of time planning and prepping and trying to make her party perfect. It turned out exactly how I wanted it to. It was Winter ONEderland themed, and of course featured her favourite character (right now...), Olaf!

Seeing the excitement on Aubrey's face when she saw the giant Olaf balloon and her Olaf birthday cake was so worth all of the time and energy I spent planning.

Something I wasn't prepared for, was the flood of emotions I would feel that weekend. I knew I would feel a little sad that my baby was getting older, and would now be "a year old" instead of "___ months." But I had no idea just how overwhelmed I would feel.

You see, for us, Aubrey's birthday wasn't just a birthday. I know every parent feels excitement for their child's first birthday, but for us, this birthday was more than a celebration of her birth - It was a celebration of her LIFE. It was a celebration of having a living baby in our arms for a whole year. A celebration of experiencing "firsts" that we missed out on with our sweet first born girl. A celebration of life after death.

I also didn't realize how much I would miss Brooklyn at the party. How I wish she was digging into the presents and "helping" her little sister open them. Or showing her little sister how to blow the candles out. Or showing her little sister (who had absolutely no interest in eating cake), that cake is delicious. She should be teaching Aubrey all of these things.

I continue to cry (and sometimes get angry) every time I hear the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul." My soul is so not okay with the ache that still happens from missing my daughter. Brooklyn's death will never be well with my soul. And to be honest - I think that's okay.

Thank you to those of you who read my last post and prayed that we would find a house. We DID! As if Aubrey's birthday weekend wasn't busy enough, we put an offer in on a house on Valentine's Day, and finally won! It's newly renovated, with three bedrooms and one in the basement, a big back yard, and down the street from a park, outdoor pool, and arena! We even have friends who live close by. It's perfect, and we're really looking forward to moving in. We get possession March 4th, so we're busy trying to organize, prepare, and pack.

My anatomy scan is booked for March 15th, and we're really looking forward to finding out baby number 3's gender. I'm starting to get a little nervous for the scan, because we know all too well just how many complications it can reveal, but I'm trying to stay positive and not worry until there's a reason to.

We continue to be so incredible thankful for Aubrey's birth, and more importantly, her life. Life with a baby who brings us so much joy and almost as much frustration at times. We love her, and we're grateful for all the ups and downs her life brings - because we have spent 20 months missing out on the ups and downs with Brooklyn.