Undeserving

This past weekend, I spoke at a women’s retreat called Soaked in Truth. It was my first weekend away from Aubs, and although I was speaking and came home exhausted, I felt refreshed and renewed. It was wonderful to be a part of a weekend where women came together, and were honest in their life struggles. No sugar-coating, no bible-thumping, just real authentic women saying “sometimes, life sucks, and you need to walk through the fire.”

This week, I have been feeling convicted about living authentically and what that looks like. I thought I was doing a good job at being real with the struggles motherhood has brought me, but when I scrolled through my Instagram account, I realized that things look pretty great from the outside.

Don’t get me wrong, things are pretty great in my life. I love being a mama. It’s the only thing (besides being a wife) I’ve consistently wanted to be for as long as I can remember. But I think as mothers, sometimes we struggle with sharing just how hard being a mom can be. Day after day, trying to raise little people to become adults who will make a difference in this world, love the Lord, and not screw them up. Not to mention the food/milk splatter, time outs, and trying to stay consistent with discipline in between.

Tonight I was having a particularly hard night. I was trying to vacuum before Aubrey’s bath time, and Aubrey was not being cooperative. Running away and getting into trouble every chance she got. I had to stop what I was doing, and redirect every 30 seconds. Now that I’m typing it out, it seems really silly. There are many parents who are dealing with things much more difficult than having their vacuuming interrupted. But this particular time ended in me losing my patience with Aubrey, and resulted in her crying because of me (both because I had run out of patience, and because she wasn’t getting her way). After the fact, I was so sad that I couldn’t even handle vacuuming and watching one child. My mind started swirling with thoughts like “how am I going to handle this in 4 weeks time
when there is a newborn, a toddler, and still things to do around the house?” “Am I a terrible mom for losing my patience?”

And then the guilt set in. I know it’s normal for moms to lose their patience, but this particular time, I felt especially guilty.

After putting Aubrey to bed, I just kept thinking about how undeserving of her I am. Why was I given the privilege of raising her, and loving her, when there are so many people who seem so much more deserving than me?

Then I thought about my weekend away. Part of my talk was on trusting God. And trusting Him, means He knows what He’s doing. I shared with the women how our children are a gift, no matter how much or little time we have with them.

Aubrey is my gift. I don’t deserve her, but God trusts me with her. This reality is very daunting, and also so incredibly gracious of Him.

A little while after she fell asleep, I went upstairs to put her blanket on her that she had kicked off. I touched her back, and felt so strongly that I needed to pray over her. If you know me at all, prayer is not my strength or something that comes naturally to me, so this was a pretty big deal for me. I prayed that God would protect her, and that He would give me the tools I need to be the best mama to her.

I hope and pray that as moms, we can lift each other up and encourage each other as we do the hardest job we will ever do. I pray that that we will be authentic in our struggles, and that we remember our children are gifts.