After I delivered Brooklyn, we spent 24hrs in the hospital with her. She was born at 1:20pm, and for some reason, I just felt like I needed to be with her until 1:20pm the next day. If I didn't get a lifetime with her, I needed to have a full day. It ended up being more like 2:30pm, because this would be the hardest thing I had ever done. The moments leading up to leaving her at the hospital, I held her in the bed, and intentionally studied her face. I kissed her a lot. Still today, I can feel exactly what my lips felt like on her cold face. I hope that feeling never goes away.
I realized a couple of weeks ago that as of October 5th, Brooklyn would have been 2.5 years old. Some days it feels like a life time ago that we had her, and others it feels like just yesterday. We have lived quite a lot of life in those 2.5 years including moving, a job change for Derek, and adding two more sweet girls to our family. So much has changed, but still, missing Brooklyn has remained a constant.
In the beginning days of losing her, people were so supportive and loved on us to help us through the unimaginable. But as the months went on, I felt a lot of pressure to "move on" with life. On top of the intense grief and longing for my daughter, I had lots of feelings of guilt for not being able to just move past this loss. Many days I would just pray for the grief to pass. Not wanting to fully sit and soak in the intensity of the feelings. I longed for life to be normal again. But after a while, I realized that life would never be the same. And that I was forever changed by this great loss. The loss of the daughter I carried and held, but would never take home. A daughter I would miss out on all of the "firsts" with. A daughter I would never see grow up into a beautiful strong woman.
If you were around at all when Aubrey was young, you know just how much I struggled. Aubrey was a baby who cried a lot and wanted to be held all the time. On top of that, I was so scared of losing her too, that I carried lots of fear with me. As you can imagine, this created quite a mixture of chaos in the first few months of her life. Eventually this stage passed, and we moved on to different challenges as she is quite a busy girl. I must mention that we love her dearly, and this type A personality is learning to embrace Aubrey for who God created her to be. I'm learning to let go of trying to make her fit into the mould I've created for her, and instead create space for her to be the wonderful little firecracker that she is. This is much easier said than done some days.
When we were expecting Aveline, I just assumed that she would have a similar personality to Aubs. I pictured having a 17m old and a newborn that would cry a lot and want to be held all the time. Aveline is such an easy going, sweet girl. She is so smiley, and loves to just look around and take in everything this world has to offer. I'm also much more comfortable this time around, and the fear and anxiety I carried in the beginning of Aubrey's life is much less. I find myself actually being able to enjoy her and my arms longing for snuggles instead of wanting to put her down at the first chance I get.
When you have a child who dies, you realize that our children are not promised to us for any length of time. As hard and terrible as it is to think of, there are no guarantees that we will outlive our children. Obviously this is not something to dwell on, but understanding this has made me want to be more intentional with my kids. It's so easy to get caught up in checking my phone constantly and not giving my kids one on one attention, or being short and impatient with Aubrey because I just don't feel like I have the energy to talk things through with her. I need to remember to make the days count.
I realized a couple of weeks ago that as of October 5th, Brooklyn would have been 2.5 years old. Some days it feels like a life time ago that we had her, and others it feels like just yesterday. We have lived quite a lot of life in those 2.5 years including moving, a job change for Derek, and adding two more sweet girls to our family. So much has changed, but still, missing Brooklyn has remained a constant.
In the beginning days of losing her, people were so supportive and loved on us to help us through the unimaginable. But as the months went on, I felt a lot of pressure to "move on" with life. On top of the intense grief and longing for my daughter, I had lots of feelings of guilt for not being able to just move past this loss. Many days I would just pray for the grief to pass. Not wanting to fully sit and soak in the intensity of the feelings. I longed for life to be normal again. But after a while, I realized that life would never be the same. And that I was forever changed by this great loss. The loss of the daughter I carried and held, but would never take home. A daughter I would miss out on all of the "firsts" with. A daughter I would never see grow up into a beautiful strong woman.
If you were around at all when Aubrey was young, you know just how much I struggled. Aubrey was a baby who cried a lot and wanted to be held all the time. On top of that, I was so scared of losing her too, that I carried lots of fear with me. As you can imagine, this created quite a mixture of chaos in the first few months of her life. Eventually this stage passed, and we moved on to different challenges as she is quite a busy girl. I must mention that we love her dearly, and this type A personality is learning to embrace Aubrey for who God created her to be. I'm learning to let go of trying to make her fit into the mould I've created for her, and instead create space for her to be the wonderful little firecracker that she is. This is much easier said than done some days.
When we were expecting Aveline, I just assumed that she would have a similar personality to Aubs. I pictured having a 17m old and a newborn that would cry a lot and want to be held all the time. Aveline is such an easy going, sweet girl. She is so smiley, and loves to just look around and take in everything this world has to offer. I'm also much more comfortable this time around, and the fear and anxiety I carried in the beginning of Aubrey's life is much less. I find myself actually being able to enjoy her and my arms longing for snuggles instead of wanting to put her down at the first chance I get.
When you have a child who dies, you realize that our children are not promised to us for any length of time. As hard and terrible as it is to think of, there are no guarantees that we will outlive our children. Obviously this is not something to dwell on, but understanding this has made me want to be more intentional with my kids. It's so easy to get caught up in checking my phone constantly and not giving my kids one on one attention, or being short and impatient with Aubrey because I just don't feel like I have the energy to talk things through with her. I need to remember to make the days count.
Now that Avy is interacting more with people and the world around her, it has been so cool to see her relationship with Aubs. She lights up when she sees Aubrey or hears her voice. I can't wait to continue to see this special sister friendship grow. I'm sure there will be arguments along the way (as there are with sisters), but I want to teach these girls just how blessed they are to have a forever friend. Someone who they can count on to love them always.
I consider all three of my girls such a blessing to me. All of them have taught me so much about myself, this world, and even about who God is. But I am especially thankful that Aveline's sweet personality has brought me to a place where holding my kids feels more like a joy and less like a burden.
Aubrey has started calling me "mom" a lot now (totally makes my mama heart ache), and Aveline is growing so fast and so not a little tiny newborn anymore.
I consider all three of my girls such a blessing to me. All of them have taught me so much about myself, this world, and even about who God is. But I am especially thankful that Aveline's sweet personality has brought me to a place where holding my kids feels more like a joy and less like a burden.
Aubrey has started calling me "mom" a lot now (totally makes my mama heart ache), and Aveline is growing so fast and so not a little tiny newborn anymore.
Hold them close. They're only little for so long.
I love this Fiona. Your words spoke directly to me as I've been struggling with staying present in these special, quiet, everyday moments. Thank you for sharing your heart.
ReplyDelete- Cate Mathewson
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