One Less

June 22nd marked one full year since we found out we were pregnant with Aubs. One year since we began the very scary and complicated pregnancy after loss journey. I remember so clearly the Sunday morning I took the test. It was the day after a friends' wedding, where feelings of grief hit me very hard when the parents of the bride gave their speech. So many emotions came as a result of those two pink lines, but mostly just relief that we were able to get pregnant again. One of my fears after losing Brooklyn was that we would struggle to get pregnant again. When June 22nd came this year, it felt so surreal that a whole year had passed. Some days I still can't believe that Aubrey is here safe. I spent so much time worrying about her arrival, and now my entire life revolves around tiny person.

Aubs is now 4.5 months old. I feel like she changes and learns new things every day now. Most recently she learned to flip from her back to her tummy. Her new favourite thing is to flip over and over again from back to tummy and tummy to back. It makes diaper changes a little bit more challenging. It's so fun to see how proud of herself she is when she learns something new. She has also been so interested in our drinks lately. She grabs at our cups and tries to put them in her mouth. Recently I started giving her tiny bits of water in her sippy cup to see if she liked it. It only took her a day to catch on! I know everyone thinks their child is so smart, but she really is such a bright little girl. I love her to pieces and can't wait to see the impact she makes on this world.

Last week Derek and I were driving around in Dundas because Aubrey fell asleep in the car and we wanted to let her finish her nap before getting home. We drove through Grove Cemetery where Brooklyn is buried but didn't stop for fear of Aubrey waking. I haven't been there to visit in a long time and I began to feel really guilty.

Before having Aubrey I was afraid that my love for her would change my love for Brooklyn. In some ways it has. Almost all of my time is devoted to making sure Aubrey is fed, clean, sleeping, learning, growing, happy, etc. When she is napping or sleeping for the night, I try to get things done around the house, leaving little time for much else in my life. What hasn't changed, is the fact that I think about Brooklyn every single day. I think about her when Aubrey's big blue eyes light up, and when she lets out a big belly laugh. I still wonder what colour eyes Brooklyn had, and what her sweet laugh would have sounded like. The joy is always mixed with the longing for my firstborn.

I've said it before, but recently I have really been mourning the fact that Brooklyn and Aubrey will never have a sister relationship here on this earth. When I see pictures of sisters together, I always think of Brooklyn. Even if we were to have another daughter one day, it just won't be the same.

A friend of my mom's took family pictures for us recently. They turned out really great, and we even included our Brooklyn bear in some of them. But looking through the pictures, I found myself getting sad and teary-eyed. Our family pictures will always be missing one person. And our family will always be one less than it should be. I was struck by this a lot when we were at our friends' daughter's first birthday party this past week. She texted me that morning saying that she was sad the party would be missing one little person. Knowing others love and miss her too helps soothe my aching heart just a little bit. And knowing that this friend anticipated my heart would be especially missing my girl that day helped validate how I was already feeling.

I used to feel guilty for feeling this way. Almost like if I missed Brooklyn, it meant I wasn't grateful for Aubrey. What I've come to realize is that it's okay and actually healthy to hold both feelings simultaneously. I love both of my girls, and because Aubrey is physically here, I'm able to show her my love by hugging her and kissing her and making sure she is safe. Part of the way my love for Brooklyn comes through is when I miss her.

I talk to Aubrey about her sister a lot. I tell her that she looks like her sissy, and read her a story called "Someone Came Before You", where I replace the words "baby" with "Brooklyn" to personalize it. Even in her absence, Brooklyn will always be such a big part of our family.

I'm excited for the day she starts asking about her pictures and things we have placed around the house to remember her. I'm excited for the day she can say Brooklyn's name. But I'm most excited for the day that our entire family can be reunited, and we are no longer one less.