Wednesday, 3 June 2015

When Grief Creeps In

Things around here have been going really well lately. Aubrey is 3.5 months old, is sleeping really well most nights, she's catching on to this nap training thing, and has become a much happier baby than she once was. She still has her fussy moments, but she is very smiley and has such a bright personality.

In two more days, Brooklyn should be turning 14 months old. I remember when we first lost her, a mum who had been on a similar journey told me that one day she would no longer be the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning. I didn't believe her then, but that is the point I'm now at in this grieving process. I've still yet to get through a full day without thinking of her at least once, though.

I miss her a lot lately. I have missed her since we lost her, but this longing is different. It's the kind you can feel in your bones. The kind that hurts your heart and makes your arms ache even though they seem full. Grief comes in waves. Very messy, complicated waves.

Many people have made this longing a bit easier lately. We've received cards and presents in the mail addressed to Derek, Brooklyn, Aubrey and I. A friend sent me the new-ish Hillsong song "Even When It Hurts" because it made her think of me and our journey of loss. If you have ever experience any kind of loss and are a believer, I highly recommend you listen to this song. Last week at church someone who had yet to meet Aubrey in person told me that she is "just as beautiful as Brooklyn." It feels good just to even hear her name coming from someone else's mouth sometimes. We appreciate the recognition that she existed, and will always have a special place in our heart and in our lives helps on the days when grief hits hard.

The past few months, I have heard more and more stories of people losing their babies. A friend of a friend lost her sweet baby boy at 20 weeks gestation. A friend from university texted me and asked for resources for her  cousin who lost her sweet baby while she was in labour - a story similar to ours. And a friend's co-worker lost her sweet girl at full term.

It has been an honour to come along side some of these people and support them through their losses, though I wish so badly there no one had to experience the loss of a child. My heart aches for every single one of these families, as I know the long journey that is ahead of them because I'm still on the journey myself. The kind of journey that will never end as long as we are living. It still just doesn't feel right that things like this happen. I'm not sure I will ever get to a place where I have the attitude of "sometimes bad things just happen..." Obviously I know things like that happen way too often than I like to think, but it still just isn't right.

I've had lots of moments lately where I feel overwhelmed with grief, and go right back in my mind to the time we found out we lost Brooklyn. Before "19 Kids and Counting" was cancelled, they aired their daughter Jill's birth story. Her labour was long - 70 hours, and it ended with an emergency C-section because there was meconium in her water, the baby's heart rate was elevated and he was in distress. They mentioned in the episode that Jill was born May 17, 1991 (my birthday) and her baby boy was born April 6th (Brooklyn was born the 5th.) This story is far too similar to ours. The one difference was their outcome resulted in the birth of a healthy boy. The whole time I was watching the episode, I felt like I was right back in the delivery room with Brooklyn. I actually cried lots of tears of joy when they safely got her baby out. That should have been how it was for us too. It should be how it is for everyone.

I've continued to have people ask me when we think we'll start trying for another baby. I just keep telling people that yes we would like to have more, but we're not sure when. This is the absolute truth. But there's another part to it. Even though we have now had a pregnancy that ended in a healthy living baby, the thought of another pregnancy is terrifying to me. Medical professionals told us all through our pregnancy with Aubrey that baby loss can happen to absolutely anyone at any time. It feels like because this happened to us once that we should be guaranteed to never have to go through it again. Unfortunately this isn't the case.

I got together with some friends who are pregnant a couple weeks ago, and we were talking about how terrifying pregnancy is. All of the unknowns and new things your body goes through. The questioning of whether symptoms or lack thereof are "normal". So many things are just scary during this time. For me, there are all of these things, plus the added reality of knowing that not all pregnancies end happily with a baby in your arms.

Despite this fear, yes we would love to have more kids one day. We're just not sure when. For now, we're loving all of the firsts we are getting to experience with our little Aubs.

I'm loving that she is so smiley and laughs often. She is forming her little personality and we are seeing bits of Derek and I come out in her. She becomes frustrated when she can't do things right away, which is very much like me. And unfortunately is a fan of her Daddy's music. Though she likes the Dixie Chicks too, so I can't complain too much! :) She has blue eyes like her Mama and her Daddy's ears and cute little dimples. Words can't explain how much we love this little girl. But yet there is still the longing for her sister, and the wondering of what Brooklyn's personality would have been like, what music she would have liked, and what colour her eyes would have been. This joy is often accompanied by the continued grief.

Thank you to everyone who continues to journey this long road with us. We are so blessed to have such a great community of people who love us and our girls deeply. And please keep the families I have mentioned in your thoughts and prayers.


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