Part of preparing has meant going through our baby items, clothes, diapers, wipes, toiletries, etc. to see what we still need to purchase.
Last night Derek and I made a trip to Wal Mart to pick some things we needed for the house. We stopped in the baby section, looked to see if there were any sales, and noticed that diapers were marked down. Before we had Brooklyn, we only bought a very small pack of newborn sized diapers because we weren't sure how big she would be. With this little lady coming almost 3 weeks early, chances are she will fit into newborn diapers for at least a couple of weeks.
We also headed to the grocery section and picked up a bottle of baby laundry detergent because I have a couple of new outfits that need to be washed before she is here.
As we were standing in the check out line, I started to feel anxious and said to Derek "should we just wait to get the diapers? we have 20 newborn diapers at home that we can use, and we can go out and get more if we need them." "They're on sale now and we will need them" he said.
To most parents awaiting the arrival of a new baby, buying newborn diapers and laundry detergent are simply a few ways of preparing. But for me, it feels so reckless when there is no absolute guarantee that she will be coming home with us.
When we got home and started to put things away, I held the receipt in my hand for quite a while. I thought to myself "maybe I'll just hang on to this and we can return them if we have to." But then I decided to throw it out.
You see, the more time that passes, and the closer we get to meeting baby A, the more hope I have for her life. Even though I have intentionally tried to guard my heart and disconnect as much as possible, I am head over heels in love with this little girl. This reckless hope is worth it to me. Of course I am hopeful that she will come to us alive and well, but I am very aware that whether with us, or any other expecting couple, there is always a possibility this won't happen. After we lost Brooklyn and were talking about when to try again for another baby, Derek reminded me that guarding my heart won't make it hurt any less if we are to lose the next baby too. This has stuck with me - he is absolutely right.
Although this hope will always be guarded until she is safe in my arms, I would much rather be recklessly hopeful for baby A and do things to prepare for her arrival, than already assuming that she won't make it.
The other night, I had the first dream about our girl that I've had since the first trimester. In this dream, she was alive and well, and looked just like I had imagined. She had light brown hair that was curly like her big sisters, and was a tiny 6lb baby. I was feeding her, and she snuggled perfectly into my body; almost as if it was made to hold her. I woke up and felt so at peace.
Our appointments continue to go well, and two weeks ago, she was measuring 3.5lbs. She has been head down since 24 weeks, and continues to remain in this position. One less thing to worry about! Her feet are in the same spot Brooklyn's were in, and I often think of the times I would sit feeling Brooklyn's heels in my side. I miss that little girl so much these days.
I am trying to enjoy every moment in this pregnancy, but part of me also wants to fast forward 5 weeks from now so she can just be here safe.
Please continue to be recklessly hopeful with us.
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