As I reflect back on 2014, I can say with great confidence that it is not a year I will ever forget. The year was full of great joy and great sorrow. Many lessons were learned, relationships changed, and wisdom gained.
From January to the beginning of April, we were eagerly awaiting the arrival of our sweet Brooklyn. We spent a lot of this time specifically preparing our house and getting a few big jobs done. We had our windows and doors replaced, installed carpet upstairs, had the remainder of the house painted, and flipped the nursery from an extra storage room to a room fit for a little girl. I also had my baby showers during this time, and spent many days at home in full nesting mode. Derek and I made sure we had many date nights in the first few months of the year, as we knew once the baby arrived, this opportunity wouldn't come as easy.
April-June was a time of great mourning. I can honestly say that I walked in a very big fog during these months. Between recovering from giving birth, being in shock from the loss of our daughter, and having this shock turn to anger and great sadness, I have never felt so many emotions at once, and all so deeply. We travelled to San Diego, L.A., and San Francisco, and were able to enjoy some time together outside of our new normal. This trip was so good for our marriage. I will forever be thankful for that gift.
We found out we were pregnant again on June 22nd. Still mourning, we began to feel a little bit of joy again. This joy was (and is ) very much guarded, as we began walking the line of grief and hope. Grieving the loss of Brooklyn, being hopeful that the outcome of this pregnancy would be different, and all the while being completely terrified of the journey that lay ahead.
July-September was wedding season. We attended four weddings this year, one each month starting at the end of June. Normally I love weddings, but this year was different. I had pictured having our girl attend all of these weddings with us, which made it really hard for me. I also didn't realize how many emotions would be brought to the surface for me. It was particularly difficult for me to listen to each of the parents of the bride give their speeches. I wondered if Derek and I would ever have the opportunity to be the parents of the bride, giving our daughter away and sharing funny stories of her childhood.
I was also really sick during this time. My morning sickness tapered off in the beginning of September, and thankfully has only returned twice for a couple of days in a row, since. I transferred to a different Starbucks and finally felt settled into our "new normal".
Early October we found out we are pregnant with another girl, and from that point on, this pregnancy has gone fairly quickly.
The hardest times for me this year have been the milestones (3 months, 6 months), the holidays, and big events that we had just pictured being different. I have said before how difficult Thanksgiving was for us, and Christmas was no easier. I intentionally took a break from social media from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day night. We were so busy these days that it made it go by fairly quickly. Of course Christmas morning was really hard, but Derek helped to make this Christmas a little more special this year. Brooklyn was remembered, and baby A was hoped for - both through special gifts we received this year. We started a new tradition this year too to keep Brooklyn's memory alive. We sponsored a mom with a baby around Brooklyn's age. We hope to do this every Christmas, as it will help us remember our girl, and remind any living children we are blessed with that their big sister is very much missed and continues to be loved and thought of.
To say that I am excited to see 2014 go would be both truthful and a lie. The more time that passes, the less I remember what it felt like to hold our daughter in my arms, and the further away she feels. I have yet to hold a newborn this year, because I'm terrified that if I do, any memory I have left of this feeling will be gone. I honestly don't think I'll be able to until a living baby our of own fills these aching arms of mine.
This year was monumental for our marriage. I have learned more about Derek this year alone, than in the rest of the 5 years we have been together combined. I have also learned about myself personally, and as a wife. Thankful will simply never be a good enough word when it comes to how I feel about my husband. I honestly don't know if I would have survived the past 9 months without him. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been, and my love for him has never been deeper. He continues to show me what it is like to truly love and be selfless. That is not to say that we haven't had hard days along the way, or that arguments haven't happened as a result of mourning in different ways. But seeing him learn to be a father to both our daughter who has passed, and our daughter who is living helps to mend this broken heart. He has provided me with hope on days when I really doubt baby A will be coming home with us, and continues to be excited for this little one's arrival. I know he is scared too, but he is always positive and speaks confidently about her safe arrival.
Much of 2014 was spent simply surviving, without any time or energy to feel as if I was thriving. As we move into 2015, I wish for this to be a year where I feel like I can thrive again. I hope beyond hope that we have a healthy, living, breathing baby join us in February. And I hope I can feel as if I am using my God-given gifts and talents again. My whole life, I have wanted to be a wife and a mother. I even changed my educational path in high school to something that could be more flexible to ensure I could be the best wife and mom in the future. I want to spend 2015 continuing to learn about Derek and continuing to learn how to better love him. While I am already a mother to Brooklyn, I so badly want to experience mothering a living child. I hope and pray that this opportunity comes to me in February.
I want this to be a year where I continue to know the important things in life, and strive to be more loving to those around me. I want to spend less time on social media, and more time with people who are important to me. I wI want to continue learning about who God is, who He wants me to be, and How I can better serve him by bringing His Kingdom forth in this world. I am thankful for the ways He has used Brooklyn's tragic loss to redeem this broken world.
And of course, losing the baby weight this spring wouldn't be so bad either :) What would a New Year's resolution be without some sort of fitness goal? I continue to be amazed at the two little people my body has grown, and am so thankful for these blessings. But my body has changed so much during these two pregnancies and I am looking forward to being able to focus on eating better and getting back into running.
I pray that 2015 is full of good news, great joy and if there is any more heartache that comes our way, we will have the strength to get through it. I know that there will continue to be days of great mourning, but I am looking forward to a year of beginning to dream and thrive again.
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