Two Weeks

It's hard to believe that our scheduled induction date is two weeks today. This pregnancy has gone by much faster than my pregnancy with Brooklyn - right until January hit. I feel like the days have been very long lately, and time is moving so slowly. The problem isn't that I'm not keeping busy. I have so many appointments every week, and have been going to the hospital to visit my Dad as much as I can. I have definitely been busy, but the anticipation is building and it makes time go slowly.

This month has been full of so many emotions - excitement, anxiety, anticipation, and even sadness, just to name a few. I often think about what life would be like with an almost 10 month old baby. Would she be crawling and pulling herself up by now? What would her little personality be like? Would she be a good sleeper or still be waking up through the night? I miss her so much and I'm starting to get nervous for if/how my feelings and time I will be able to put into my relationship with her will change once this baby arrives. I know this is a very normal feeling for anyone who is having a second child, but when you've lost a child, the feelings are compounded. I fear that if this baby girl lives and we are able to take her home and parent her, that my love for her will soon become greater than my love for Brooklyn - simply because she is physically present and able to be in relationship with me.

I think of Brooklyn's labour and delivery often, and am anxious to get over this very large challenge with baby A. I continue to be reassured that I will be on the monitors from the start of my induction to the very end, and that if anything happens, they will get her out quickly, but still my mind goes to the "what ifs." I know there are never guarantees in medicine (or in life for that matter), and while I'm hopeful for baby A's safe arrival, I don't think I'll fully believe it until she is safe in my arms. Even then, I'm sure it will feel surreal for a little while.

When Brooklyn was born, I remember how silent the delivery room was. Where the room should have been full of the sound of a baby's first cry, it was just silent. They took her away to the warmer right after I delivered her, and I remember how relieved I felt as I looked over at my baby girl. The delivery was over, but what I didn't realize at the time was that it would actually be the easy part. This time around, I'm really hopeful that this baby girl will come out screaming. I can't wait for her to be placed on my chest, and to feel her warm body against mine. But most of all, I can't wait to see which of her features are like her big sisters, and which will be her very own.

Of course I am anxious about the labour and delivery, but I'm even more nervous for all of the emotions that will come afterwards. I know that parenting after losing a child is no easy task. While I will be so grateful for her safe arrival and the opportunity to parent a living a child, I know it will come with a new set of challenges. I've already started praying that God will prepare my heart for these new emotions.

Baby A keeps doing well and growing big inside of me. She continues to get 8/8 on her biophysical profiles (special ultrasounds), and 2/2 on her non-stress tests. Our little girl is so smart already! She is above the 90th percentile for her gestation, and the OB thinks that even with her early arrival, she will be over 7lbs.

I have just started to pack our bags, and packing baby A's bag has brought up a lot of emotions. It hasn't even been a year since I packed the very same diaper bag for Brooklyn. I just so hope this time our baby will actually get to use the things I'm so carefully picking out for her.

We can't wait to meet her, and are really hoping the next 14 days go by quickly, and with no complications.