This pregnancy has been no walk in the park. When I think back to being 16 weeks along with Brooklyn, I remember the sense of peace I had as I was well past the eagerly awaited 12 week mark. With this pregnancy, the more time that passes, the more anxious I become.
Losing a child at any stage or age is completely devastating, but losing our firstborn has come with some unique challenges. Here has been my experience with pregnancy so far - one pregnancy, one death. We still do not have the cause of death for our Brooklyn so my mind likes to do this thing called self-blame. I am constantly thinking things like "was it the nausea medication that caused her heart to be weak?" "Was it the decaf coffee I drank in the end of my pregnancy?" "Did I bounce too hard on my exercise ball when I was trying to prepare my body for childbirth?" I still am not convinced that my body is able to get to a point where it can provide us with a living baby.
While I am completely terrified of losing this child, we are thankful for the moments of hope we have. I cried the first time we saw the baby on the ultrasound and we were able to confirm a heartbeat. And I cried the first time I heard the baby's heart beat loud and strong. With Brooklyn I was excited for these things but they seem to hold new weight now. I have even thought about (yet not brave enough to do yet...) buying a few new baby clothes and other items the past couple of weeks. Something that seems so reckless when there is no guarantee of a living baby in the end of this journey. This is the unique tension of pregnancy after the loss of your firstborn.
I've been going through more of Brooke's stuff and trying to decide what we will keep and what we will let go of and buy different for this baby. This has not been an easy task. I've been trying to sell our stroller for a while now. We weren't 100% convinced when we bought the stroller for Brooklyn, and now that we are hopeful for this winter baby, it's not the most suitable for that kind of terrain. This has been one of the hardest things to do. I've had many people in weeks past offer us the full asking price, and then I come up with an excuse as to why I want to keep it or chicken out and cancel on the person. Tomorrow we have someone who is seriously interested coming to check it out and I know it will be hard. Hard to let go of something that is Brooklyn's - something that she was never able to use but was still hers all the same. It is these unique challenges that makes this pregnancy so hard.
If baby is cooperative, we will find out October 8th if this is another little lady or a boy and as the time gets closer I become more nervous - not jut about the baby's gender but about the anatomy scan in general. This scan is the one where if anything is seriously wrong, they normally find it. Since becoming part of the baby loss community, I know all too well just how many different things can go wrong. People tell me not to focus on the "small chance" of those complications happening, but when you've been one of those statistics already, it is hard to not want to be prepared for every possible outcome. Like I said - one baby, one death. This is all I know this far.
We have approximately 22 weeks left of this very long journey. Please continue to pray for us in the weeks and months to come.
Friday, 19 September 2014
Sunday, 7 September 2014
Our Rainbow of Hope
It is with very hopeful hearts that we announce we are pregnant with baby #2 - a rainbow baby. Another couple who lost their daughter and announced their rainbow baby explained it like this:
"In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."
I am 14.5 weeks pregnant, and officially in the second trimester. Baby is due March 5th, 2015 - exactly 11 months after Brooklyn was born. I have always wanted our kids to be close together, but never imagined 11 months apart. The baby will be a February baby as I will either be induced or have a scheduled C-section around 38 weeks.
Some of you may remember how sick I was in my pregnancy with Brooklyn. It was non-stop "morning" sickness and eventually I was put on medication because I couldn't hold anything down, and was struggling to function day to day. This time, the sickness was just as bad, but thankfully, I had relief at times. It was not as constant this time around. I decided (for many reasons) not to go on the medication again no matter how bad my morning sickness got. While it was really hard some days, I am very happy with my choice. Now that I'm into the second trimester, I'm no longer sick! This is great news because with Brooklyn I was still nauseous and vomiting until around 32 weeks.
After the morning sickness stopped, the headaches began. This is a new symptom as I never had headaches with Brooklyn. But I'm trying not to complain too much because I'll take a headache over morning sickness any day...
We will be finding out this baby's sex in the next 4-6 weeks. I've already had people ask which sex we would "prefer" the baby to be. In some ways, I feel like having a boy would be easier. New hopes and dreams, and a new experience altogether. But if I'm being truly honest, my heart has always longed for a daughter. I have never meant it more when I say that in the end of this pregnancy, no matter girl or boy, all we want is a healthy, living, breathing baby. One that we can raise and parent.
This is definitely not how I imagined my second pregnancy to be. I had pictured our little Brooklyn in my bump update pictures, and imagined putting a "Big Sister" shirt on her to announce our second little miracle.
I am missing her a lot this pregnancy. A space that was once only ever shared by her and I is now being taken over by another little baby. While I love this baby so much already, part of me is feeling guilty. I've just started to feel little baby flutters and am looking forward to the big strong kicks. I know that these kicks will both be reassuring and hard at times, as I know it will bring back lots of memories of carrying Brooklyn.
We are very excited for this little one, but this pregnancy will be much different than our last. We are still celebrating the joyful moments and able to enjoy this time. But this pregnancy also comes with a lot of fear. Fear that the same thing will happen again. I have been reassured by my doctor and midwife that our chances of losing this baby are no higher this time around than they were the last. This both makes me feel better, and makes me nervous because 1 in 160 is still a scary number. And we are being followed much closer this time around. Around 35 weeks I will have weekly ultrasounds to ensure my fluid is a good level, the baby is getting enough oxygen, and my placenta is still working. I'm looking forward to be followed by both an OB and midwife this time, as we will have the best of both worlds.
One of my fears about telling people we are pregnant again, was that people would assume we are okay now. We are still grieving, and still missing our baby girl. And this baby will in no way replace Brooklyn or any of the things we are missing out on with her.
Please pray for us during this pregnancy. For this baby to continue growing healthy and strong. For our fears to be as little as possible so we can continue to be excited about this little miracle. For wisdom and discernment for the OB and midwives taking care of us. And that in the end of this pregnancy, we will have a living breathing miracle in our arms. While most couples are expecting, we are just hoping - hoping and praying that things are different this time around.
"In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."
I am 14.5 weeks pregnant, and officially in the second trimester. Baby is due March 5th, 2015 - exactly 11 months after Brooklyn was born. I have always wanted our kids to be close together, but never imagined 11 months apart. The baby will be a February baby as I will either be induced or have a scheduled C-section around 38 weeks.
Some of you may remember how sick I was in my pregnancy with Brooklyn. It was non-stop "morning" sickness and eventually I was put on medication because I couldn't hold anything down, and was struggling to function day to day. This time, the sickness was just as bad, but thankfully, I had relief at times. It was not as constant this time around. I decided (for many reasons) not to go on the medication again no matter how bad my morning sickness got. While it was really hard some days, I am very happy with my choice. Now that I'm into the second trimester, I'm no longer sick! This is great news because with Brooklyn I was still nauseous and vomiting until around 32 weeks.
After the morning sickness stopped, the headaches began. This is a new symptom as I never had headaches with Brooklyn. But I'm trying not to complain too much because I'll take a headache over morning sickness any day...
We will be finding out this baby's sex in the next 4-6 weeks. I've already had people ask which sex we would "prefer" the baby to be. In some ways, I feel like having a boy would be easier. New hopes and dreams, and a new experience altogether. But if I'm being truly honest, my heart has always longed for a daughter. I have never meant it more when I say that in the end of this pregnancy, no matter girl or boy, all we want is a healthy, living, breathing baby. One that we can raise and parent.
This is definitely not how I imagined my second pregnancy to be. I had pictured our little Brooklyn in my bump update pictures, and imagined putting a "Big Sister" shirt on her to announce our second little miracle.
I am missing her a lot this pregnancy. A space that was once only ever shared by her and I is now being taken over by another little baby. While I love this baby so much already, part of me is feeling guilty. I've just started to feel little baby flutters and am looking forward to the big strong kicks. I know that these kicks will both be reassuring and hard at times, as I know it will bring back lots of memories of carrying Brooklyn.
We are very excited for this little one, but this pregnancy will be much different than our last. We are still celebrating the joyful moments and able to enjoy this time. But this pregnancy also comes with a lot of fear. Fear that the same thing will happen again. I have been reassured by my doctor and midwife that our chances of losing this baby are no higher this time around than they were the last. This both makes me feel better, and makes me nervous because 1 in 160 is still a scary number. And we are being followed much closer this time around. Around 35 weeks I will have weekly ultrasounds to ensure my fluid is a good level, the baby is getting enough oxygen, and my placenta is still working. I'm looking forward to be followed by both an OB and midwife this time, as we will have the best of both worlds.
One of my fears about telling people we are pregnant again, was that people would assume we are okay now. We are still grieving, and still missing our baby girl. And this baby will in no way replace Brooklyn or any of the things we are missing out on with her.
Please pray for us during this pregnancy. For this baby to continue growing healthy and strong. For our fears to be as little as possible so we can continue to be excited about this little miracle. For wisdom and discernment for the OB and midwives taking care of us. And that in the end of this pregnancy, we will have a living breathing miracle in our arms. While most couples are expecting, we are just hoping - hoping and praying that things are different this time around.
Friday, 5 September 2014
5x5
Today marks 5 months since our sweet girl was born. Every month the 4th and 5th are really hard days for me emotionally, but this month seems to be even harder. I woke up this morning with a bad migraine so that likely didn't help.
I'm finding that as time goes on, I mourn the loss of Brooklyn deeper and more intensely. Some days have gotten easier, but some are much harder than even the days following her birth.
I've decided to finally put together a baby book for her. A place where all of our memories and photos of her can be safely kept. One thing I've been struggling with, is the fact that we do not have a birth certificate to add to the book. Even though I was in labour when we lost her, because she was not a "live birth", the government refuses to recognize her personhood. Because of this, we don't have a death certificate either. In the eyes of the government, we are simply a number that will be entered in the Census - one of the 1 in 160 who lose their child to stillbirth. While I understand the reasoning for no official birth certificate, it still hurts. It hurts that our daughter is not recognized. To us, she is a very real person who was in fact born. I went through labour and delivered her just like another other mother does. And yet she is not recognized.
The Monday after we lost her, we went back to the hospital to meet with the Labour and Delivery social worker. I cannot say enough nice things about her. As a social worker, I have pretty high expectations when it comes to someone being in a very influential role like that. She was just amazing, completely validated our feelings, told us what to expect in the months and years to come, and even helped us with funeral arrangements. One of the things she said was that as time goes on, grief may become more raw for us. She explained how most couples tell her that the people around them expect for them to be back to the way they once were. She was very honest in saying that we simply would never be the same.
I'm not sure I fully believed her at the time, but it has become more clear that a lot of people think that 5 months is a long time - long enough to be "done" with grieving. I've said this before and I'm sure I will say it again - we will never be done grieving the loss of our daughter. I have had to learn to adjust my expectations of people around me, and have learned to try to not take things personally. I understand how hard it must be for people around us to know that we will just never be the same again. To know that in a situation like this, there are no solutions or ways to "fix" it.
We live in a society that is full of solution-based ways of thinking. Lately I'm learning to be okay with however I am feeling - whether that be sad, angry, envious, happy. We do not need to shut down our feelings and try to make everything better. That is how we become sad bitter people in the end who never truly deal with the crap this world throws our way.
I still have yet to go a full day without thinking about Brooklyn often. But I've had more mornings where she isn't the first thing I think of when I wake up.
Smelling her blanket still brings me comfort, and I'm thankful her scent has not yet faded. I have recently experienced a lot of motherly guilt as I have not been able to visit her as often because of my crazy work schedule. I try to be gentle with myself, knowing that it just isn't right to have to "visit" my 5 month old in a cemetery anyway.
We recently received an email from the monument and marker place with a draft of what hers will look like, and I'm really looking forward to it finally going up. Something no parent should have to look forward to. I'm just ready for her place to look complete. For people to know that it is our daughter who is buried there.
Life for Derek, Samson and I has been a little bit crazy lately and is about to get a lot busier with Derek starting up junior and senior high youth groups during the week again. Please continue to pray for us and this new season as summer turns into fall - a season that was once my favourite. Now I am stuck between looking forward to the newness fall brings, and mourning more "firsts" that we will miss out on. Thanksgiving and Halloween are just around the corner and are two more first holidays where our family will feel one person short.
I'm finding that as time goes on, I mourn the loss of Brooklyn deeper and more intensely. Some days have gotten easier, but some are much harder than even the days following her birth.
I've decided to finally put together a baby book for her. A place where all of our memories and photos of her can be safely kept. One thing I've been struggling with, is the fact that we do not have a birth certificate to add to the book. Even though I was in labour when we lost her, because she was not a "live birth", the government refuses to recognize her personhood. Because of this, we don't have a death certificate either. In the eyes of the government, we are simply a number that will be entered in the Census - one of the 1 in 160 who lose their child to stillbirth. While I understand the reasoning for no official birth certificate, it still hurts. It hurts that our daughter is not recognized. To us, she is a very real person who was in fact born. I went through labour and delivered her just like another other mother does. And yet she is not recognized.
The Monday after we lost her, we went back to the hospital to meet with the Labour and Delivery social worker. I cannot say enough nice things about her. As a social worker, I have pretty high expectations when it comes to someone being in a very influential role like that. She was just amazing, completely validated our feelings, told us what to expect in the months and years to come, and even helped us with funeral arrangements. One of the things she said was that as time goes on, grief may become more raw for us. She explained how most couples tell her that the people around them expect for them to be back to the way they once were. She was very honest in saying that we simply would never be the same.
I'm not sure I fully believed her at the time, but it has become more clear that a lot of people think that 5 months is a long time - long enough to be "done" with grieving. I've said this before and I'm sure I will say it again - we will never be done grieving the loss of our daughter. I have had to learn to adjust my expectations of people around me, and have learned to try to not take things personally. I understand how hard it must be for people around us to know that we will just never be the same again. To know that in a situation like this, there are no solutions or ways to "fix" it.
We live in a society that is full of solution-based ways of thinking. Lately I'm learning to be okay with however I am feeling - whether that be sad, angry, envious, happy. We do not need to shut down our feelings and try to make everything better. That is how we become sad bitter people in the end who never truly deal with the crap this world throws our way.
I still have yet to go a full day without thinking about Brooklyn often. But I've had more mornings where she isn't the first thing I think of when I wake up.
Smelling her blanket still brings me comfort, and I'm thankful her scent has not yet faded. I have recently experienced a lot of motherly guilt as I have not been able to visit her as often because of my crazy work schedule. I try to be gentle with myself, knowing that it just isn't right to have to "visit" my 5 month old in a cemetery anyway.
We recently received an email from the monument and marker place with a draft of what hers will look like, and I'm really looking forward to it finally going up. Something no parent should have to look forward to. I'm just ready for her place to look complete. For people to know that it is our daughter who is buried there.
Life for Derek, Samson and I has been a little bit crazy lately and is about to get a lot busier with Derek starting up junior and senior high youth groups during the week again. Please continue to pray for us and this new season as summer turns into fall - a season that was once my favourite. Now I am stuck between looking forward to the newness fall brings, and mourning more "firsts" that we will miss out on. Thanksgiving and Halloween are just around the corner and are two more first holidays where our family will feel one person short.
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