It all started at 11:15pm on a Thursday night. April 3rd, 2014 to be exact. I had been feeling extra emotional that day, but had no signs of labour starting. I wasn't due until April 9th, but was so hoping our baby girl would decide to show up soon. I was uncomfortable, and very much done with being pregnant.
Contractions started coming every 5 minutes, pretty strong. Then they moved up to every 3 minutes. I tried to sleep, but obviously couldn't. I took a bath, and contractions got stronger. The midwife came to our house to check me around 9:30am on the 4th. I was upset to find out I was still only at 1cm dilated. Her heartbeat was strong and steady. That whole day I continued to labour at home, as they only admit you when you're 4cm so I had no other choice. Walking around, moving around on the exercise ball, and wondering how the heck I was going to survive labour if those "strong" contractions had only gotten me to 1cm.
The midwife came to check again around 5pm. Still only at 2cm. This time she had a hard time finding her heart beat. She found it eventually, but it was faint. The midwife said she was likely face up, and that's why labour wasn't progressing, and it was hard to find her heart rate. My blood pressure had gone up significantly, so we all headed to the hospital and expected to stay there until she was born.
On the way there, we pulled into the underground parking and I said "The next time we leave here, we'll have a baby girl with us." I'll remember those words forever.
When we arrived, they hooked me up to the fetal monitor and couldn't find her heart rate. I could tell by the reactions in the room that something was wrong, and I began to feel anxious. They brought an ultrasound machine into the room, and the OB said "I'm so sorry." I burst into tears and kept saying "please don't leave me, please don't leave me." I'm still not sure if I was saying that to Derek or Brooklyn.
Wednesday, 13 April 2016
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Not Just a Birthday
On February 15th, our sweet rainbow baby turned ONE. How very fitting it was that her birthday fell on family day. We decided to have her party a few days before her birthday on the Saturday. I spent lots of time planning and prepping and trying to make her party perfect. It turned out exactly how I wanted it to. It was Winter ONEderland themed, and of course featured her favourite character (right now...), Olaf!
Seeing the excitement on Aubrey's face when she saw the giant Olaf balloon and her Olaf birthday cake was so worth all of the time and energy I spent planning.
Something I wasn't prepared for, was the flood of emotions I would feel that weekend. I knew I would feel a little sad that my baby was getting older, and would now be "a year old" instead of "___ months." But I had no idea just how overwhelmed I would feel.
You see, for us, Aubrey's birthday wasn't just a birthday. I know every parent feels excitement for their child's first birthday, but for us, this birthday was more than a celebration of her birth - It was a celebration of her LIFE. It was a celebration of having a living baby in our arms for a whole year. A celebration of experiencing "firsts" that we missed out on with our sweet first born girl. A celebration of life after death.
I also didn't realize how much I would miss Brooklyn at the party. How I wish she was digging into the presents and "helping" her little sister open them. Or showing her little sister how to blow the candles out. Or showing her little sister (who had absolutely no interest in eating cake), that cake is delicious. She should be teaching Aubrey all of these things.
I continue to cry (and sometimes get angry) every time I hear the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul." My soul is so not okay with the ache that still happens from missing my daughter. Brooklyn's death will never be well with my soul. And to be honest - I think that's okay.
Thank you to those of you who read my last post and prayed that we would find a house. We DID! As if Aubrey's birthday weekend wasn't busy enough, we put an offer in on a house on Valentine's Day, and finally won! It's newly renovated, with three bedrooms and one in the basement, a big back yard, and down the street from a park, outdoor pool, and arena! We even have friends who live close by. It's perfect, and we're really looking forward to moving in. We get possession March 4th, so we're busy trying to organize, prepare, and pack.
My anatomy scan is booked for March 15th, and we're really looking forward to finding out baby number 3's gender. I'm starting to get a little nervous for the scan, because we know all too well just how many complications it can reveal, but I'm trying to stay positive and not worry until there's a reason to.
We continue to be so incredible thankful for Aubrey's birth, and more importantly, her life. Life with a baby who brings us so much joy and almost as much frustration at times. We love her, and we're grateful for all the ups and downs her life brings - because we have spent 20 months missing out on the ups and downs with Brooklyn.
One year of LIFE!
A heart dress for a baby induced on Valentine's Day!
Loving everyone singing to her!
Seeing the excitement on Aubrey's face when she saw the giant Olaf balloon and her Olaf birthday cake was so worth all of the time and energy I spent planning.
Something I wasn't prepared for, was the flood of emotions I would feel that weekend. I knew I would feel a little sad that my baby was getting older, and would now be "a year old" instead of "___ months." But I had no idea just how overwhelmed I would feel.
You see, for us, Aubrey's birthday wasn't just a birthday. I know every parent feels excitement for their child's first birthday, but for us, this birthday was more than a celebration of her birth - It was a celebration of her LIFE. It was a celebration of having a living baby in our arms for a whole year. A celebration of experiencing "firsts" that we missed out on with our sweet first born girl. A celebration of life after death.
I also didn't realize how much I would miss Brooklyn at the party. How I wish she was digging into the presents and "helping" her little sister open them. Or showing her little sister how to blow the candles out. Or showing her little sister (who had absolutely no interest in eating cake), that cake is delicious. She should be teaching Aubrey all of these things.
I continue to cry (and sometimes get angry) every time I hear the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul." My soul is so not okay with the ache that still happens from missing my daughter. Brooklyn's death will never be well with my soul. And to be honest - I think that's okay.
Thank you to those of you who read my last post and prayed that we would find a house. We DID! As if Aubrey's birthday weekend wasn't busy enough, we put an offer in on a house on Valentine's Day, and finally won! It's newly renovated, with three bedrooms and one in the basement, a big back yard, and down the street from a park, outdoor pool, and arena! We even have friends who live close by. It's perfect, and we're really looking forward to moving in. We get possession March 4th, so we're busy trying to organize, prepare, and pack.
My anatomy scan is booked for March 15th, and we're really looking forward to finding out baby number 3's gender. I'm starting to get a little nervous for the scan, because we know all too well just how many complications it can reveal, but I'm trying to stay positive and not worry until there's a reason to.
We continue to be so incredible thankful for Aubrey's birth, and more importantly, her life. Life with a baby who brings us so much joy and almost as much frustration at times. We love her, and we're grateful for all the ups and downs her life brings - because we have spent 20 months missing out on the ups and downs with Brooklyn.
One year of LIFE!
A heart dress for a baby induced on Valentine's Day!
Loving everyone singing to her!
Saturday, 6 February 2016
Twenty Two
Life in the Hisson household has been very busy as of late. In November, we found out we are expecting baby #3. This news came with lots of different emotions. This baby was planned and hoped for, but we thought it would take a little longer than it did. In the very beginning, I had days when I was just scared. Scared of what this would mean for us, and scared of what this would mean for Aubrey. Aubrey will only be 17 months old when this little one arrives, and I'm scared for how this will completely turn her world upside down. I still have times when I think about how big this change will be, but I can truly say that I am beyond excited for this precious baby.
It seems that all three of my pregnancies have been so different. I was really sick with Brooklyn and Aubs. With Brooklyn it lasted until around 32 weeks, and with Aubs it seemed more intense but stopped around 14 weeks. Yet again, I had the nausea and vomiting with this little one, but it didn't seem to hit me quite as hard as the first two times. I also noticed I wasn't as tired in the first trimester as I was with the girls. I think part if it has to do with the fact that I just didn't have time to be tired. Aubrey is so busy - I'm just used to having to chase her around all day and fake the energy - even when I feel like I have nothing left.
My official due date is August 4th, but I'll be induced between 37 and 38 weeks again - meaning we'll meet baby #3 sometime mid to late July! It's funny, I always said I would never have a summer baby or a winter baby, and now I'll have a baby in summer, winter AND spring. It still seems so surreal that I'm a mother of three now. We will find out this baby's gender sometime in March, and we're really looking forward to learning more about this little one growing inside of me!
I blogged a lot about how anxious I was being pregnant with Aubs. I've found myself much more relaxed this pregnancy. I think partly because I've been so preoccupied, and partly because this time around I know what to expect. I know that I will be monitored closely, and that my midwives and OB will take great care of me. I feel so blessed to have such a great medical team, who treat me as more than just another patient. They truly care about my well being, and the well being of this baby. I'm sure the further along I get, the more I will think about the "what ifs." Once you've lost a baby, or had someone close to you lose a baby, you realize that it can happen to anyone at any time. Unfortunately, no one is immune to baby or child loss. Even if you've already been through it. I personally find knowledge is power for me. When we lost Brooklyn, I did a lot of research. The research I did personally, along with the autopsy we got back, as well as the information my midwives and OB have given me, have helped me feel like there is a good chance this baby will be born alive and well - just like Aubrey was. Until then, we can only pray, and do everything in our own power to ensure this happens.
As if being pregnant wasn't enough, in early December we decided we would list our house in January. We worked hard all of December and half of January putting finishing touches on our house and staging it to sell. Thankfully it sold in 8 hours without conditions, so we were able to move back in the day after it was listed! It was so nice to not have the extra stress of a house on the market for a long time.
Since then, we've been looking at so many houses. We have put in two offers already, and lost both. The housing market in Hamilton is booming like crazy, and competition is FIERCE. Many houses are selling for $30,000-$40,000 over asking WITHOUT conditions. We're being pretty picky, because like our first house, we don't want to move for the next 5-10 years. So we're hoping something perfect, in one of our ideal areas comes up soon. Our house closes at the end of April so it would be great if we could "win" a house soon. That's honestly what it feels like these days... We put in an offer just praying we'll win.
On February 5th, Brooklyn would have been twenty-two months old. I can't believe it's been that long since I've held her, and kissed her cold little face. Aubrey plays with Brooklyn bear often, and it makes my heart so happy. We also keep Brooklyn's blanket on our bedside table, and she has taken an interest in that lately. I often say things like "we need to be very gentle with sissy's blanket - it's very special." She often responds by throwing it on the ground and smiling at me. She is trouble - but I know one day she will appreciate the few things we have left of Brooklyn.
Now that Aubs is saying words (her favourites are "daw" - dog, "yeah", "dada", "mama", "f-shhhh" - fish, and "woof"), I have thought many times about how great it will be when she can say "Brooke." I've tried practicing with her a few times now and she's not quite there, but I know when it does happen, it will be so very special.
Sometimes I watch Aubrey playing by herself and get really sad. I continue to mourn the lost relationship her and Brooklyn can no longer have this side of Heaven. I'm really excited to have a baby so close in age to Aubrey, but like Aubrey couldn't be, this baby will never be a replacement for Brooklyn. We will always be missing her in everything we do.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I recently had someone tell me they really miss my blogs. She told me her grandmother lost a baby, and even at 90 continues to think about her every day. I know that I will miss Brooklyn forever. I will miss her when she should be starting JK, I'll miss her when she should be graduating high school, and when she should be getting married and starting a family of her own. Missing her doesn't mean I don't appreciate what I do have. Trust me - when you lose a child, you count your blessings often. But it doesn't make the missing part hurt any less.
I'm so lucky to have so many close mom friends, and lots of little friends for Aubrey to play with. Recently we took a picture with all of the babies lined up by age. I couldn't help but think about a sweet little girl who was missing from the photo. She should have been there. She should be here every day, living this crazy life with us.
As time goes on, I miss her in different ways. But one thing that stays the same, is the missing part never leaves.
Please pray for us as we continue this pregnancy journey. I'm sure it will have its ups and downs - it already has. And please pray that the perfect house in a great neighbourhood comes up for us soon. We are going to miss our neighbourhood so much, and it would be nice to move into one where we are certain we can make new great memories.
It seems that all three of my pregnancies have been so different. I was really sick with Brooklyn and Aubs. With Brooklyn it lasted until around 32 weeks, and with Aubs it seemed more intense but stopped around 14 weeks. Yet again, I had the nausea and vomiting with this little one, but it didn't seem to hit me quite as hard as the first two times. I also noticed I wasn't as tired in the first trimester as I was with the girls. I think part if it has to do with the fact that I just didn't have time to be tired. Aubrey is so busy - I'm just used to having to chase her around all day and fake the energy - even when I feel like I have nothing left.
My official due date is August 4th, but I'll be induced between 37 and 38 weeks again - meaning we'll meet baby #3 sometime mid to late July! It's funny, I always said I would never have a summer baby or a winter baby, and now I'll have a baby in summer, winter AND spring. It still seems so surreal that I'm a mother of three now. We will find out this baby's gender sometime in March, and we're really looking forward to learning more about this little one growing inside of me!
I blogged a lot about how anxious I was being pregnant with Aubs. I've found myself much more relaxed this pregnancy. I think partly because I've been so preoccupied, and partly because this time around I know what to expect. I know that I will be monitored closely, and that my midwives and OB will take great care of me. I feel so blessed to have such a great medical team, who treat me as more than just another patient. They truly care about my well being, and the well being of this baby. I'm sure the further along I get, the more I will think about the "what ifs." Once you've lost a baby, or had someone close to you lose a baby, you realize that it can happen to anyone at any time. Unfortunately, no one is immune to baby or child loss. Even if you've already been through it. I personally find knowledge is power for me. When we lost Brooklyn, I did a lot of research. The research I did personally, along with the autopsy we got back, as well as the information my midwives and OB have given me, have helped me feel like there is a good chance this baby will be born alive and well - just like Aubrey was. Until then, we can only pray, and do everything in our own power to ensure this happens.
As if being pregnant wasn't enough, in early December we decided we would list our house in January. We worked hard all of December and half of January putting finishing touches on our house and staging it to sell. Thankfully it sold in 8 hours without conditions, so we were able to move back in the day after it was listed! It was so nice to not have the extra stress of a house on the market for a long time.
Since then, we've been looking at so many houses. We have put in two offers already, and lost both. The housing market in Hamilton is booming like crazy, and competition is FIERCE. Many houses are selling for $30,000-$40,000 over asking WITHOUT conditions. We're being pretty picky, because like our first house, we don't want to move for the next 5-10 years. So we're hoping something perfect, in one of our ideal areas comes up soon. Our house closes at the end of April so it would be great if we could "win" a house soon. That's honestly what it feels like these days... We put in an offer just praying we'll win.
On February 5th, Brooklyn would have been twenty-two months old. I can't believe it's been that long since I've held her, and kissed her cold little face. Aubrey plays with Brooklyn bear often, and it makes my heart so happy. We also keep Brooklyn's blanket on our bedside table, and she has taken an interest in that lately. I often say things like "we need to be very gentle with sissy's blanket - it's very special." She often responds by throwing it on the ground and smiling at me. She is trouble - but I know one day she will appreciate the few things we have left of Brooklyn.
Now that Aubs is saying words (her favourites are "daw" - dog, "yeah", "dada", "mama", "f-shhhh" - fish, and "woof"), I have thought many times about how great it will be when she can say "Brooke." I've tried practicing with her a few times now and she's not quite there, but I know when it does happen, it will be so very special.
Sometimes I watch Aubrey playing by herself and get really sad. I continue to mourn the lost relationship her and Brooklyn can no longer have this side of Heaven. I'm really excited to have a baby so close in age to Aubrey, but like Aubrey couldn't be, this baby will never be a replacement for Brooklyn. We will always be missing her in everything we do.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I recently had someone tell me they really miss my blogs. She told me her grandmother lost a baby, and even at 90 continues to think about her every day. I know that I will miss Brooklyn forever. I will miss her when she should be starting JK, I'll miss her when she should be graduating high school, and when she should be getting married and starting a family of her own. Missing her doesn't mean I don't appreciate what I do have. Trust me - when you lose a child, you count your blessings often. But it doesn't make the missing part hurt any less.
I'm so lucky to have so many close mom friends, and lots of little friends for Aubrey to play with. Recently we took a picture with all of the babies lined up by age. I couldn't help but think about a sweet little girl who was missing from the photo. She should have been there. She should be here every day, living this crazy life with us.
As time goes on, I miss her in different ways. But one thing that stays the same, is the missing part never leaves.
Please pray for us as we continue this pregnancy journey. I'm sure it will have its ups and downs - it already has. And please pray that the perfect house in a great neighbourhood comes up for us soon. We are going to miss our neighbourhood so much, and it would be nice to move into one where we are certain we can make new great memories.
Tuesday, 24 November 2015
Greater Purpose
Since losing Brooklyn, I honestly can't even count the amount of times I have been contact by someone who has either lost a baby or child, or someone who is looking for resources and insights for a friend or family member who has recently lost a baby.
Every single time I get these emails or text messages, my heart becomes so heavy. I go right back to the deep feelings of sadness I had last April.
Then I become angry. Angry that I'm receiving these messages way too frequently. Angry that it's 2015 and babies are still dying - some before they ever take a breath.
I was talking to a friend who has recently been affected by the loss of someone's baby. She said her grandmother was saying how it was fairly common to lose a child back in her day. But the past two years, she has heard about it more than ever. This shouldn't be happening. Things need to change. Our system is broken, and very few people are speaking out about this issue.
Mike Colle is one of those people. Mike is the Eglinton-Lawrence MPP, and last Tuesday put forth Bill 141 called the "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, Research, and Care Act, 2015." http://mikecolle.onmpp.ca/News/11656?l=EN#.VlB839ocA5Y.facebook
Through this act, he hopes to:
Every single time I get these emails or text messages, my heart becomes so heavy. I go right back to the deep feelings of sadness I had last April.
Then I become angry. Angry that I'm receiving these messages way too frequently. Angry that it's 2015 and babies are still dying - some before they ever take a breath.
I was talking to a friend who has recently been affected by the loss of someone's baby. She said her grandmother was saying how it was fairly common to lose a child back in her day. But the past two years, she has heard about it more than ever. This shouldn't be happening. Things need to change. Our system is broken, and very few people are speaking out about this issue.
Mike Colle is one of those people. Mike is the Eglinton-Lawrence MPP, and last Tuesday put forth Bill 141 called the "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, Research, and Care Act, 2015." http://mikecolle.onmpp.ca/News/11656?l=EN#.VlB839ocA5Y.facebook
Through this act, he hopes to:
- Establish and expand comprehensive research initiatives and programs to assist mothers and families who experience pregnancy loss or infant death
- Undertake a comprehensive comparative analysis to understand the factors that contribute to an increased risk of pregnancy loss or infant death
- Develop and expand programs to help reduce the risk of pregnancy loss or infant death
- Develop and expand existing programs across Ontario to provide counselling and support to mothers and families who have experienced pregnancy loss or infant death
- Undertake a comprehensive analysis and survey of the best practices in other jurisdiction in regards to prevention of pregnancy loss or infant death
Finally - someone in power is speaking out about a topic often taboo in our culture. People still struggle to talk about pregnancy loss and infant death, and the people affected most are the parents, family members and friends of the child who has died.
If you are interested in signing this petition, PLEASE do. You will need to print a copy and mail it in. Unfortunately in order for the signature to be valid, online petitions as well as ones that are photocopied and faxed are not permissible.
Bill 141 Printable Petition
If you are interested in signging but don't have a printer, I have a copy you can sign! Please contact me and I will do what I can to get the petition in your hands. I will even mail it for you.
Also, please contact your local MPP to tell them how important this issue is. Their opinion matters and if they are made aware of this issue and how many people think its important, real change can happen.
MPP Contact Information - this is the link to find the contact information for your local MPP.
Finally, if you ever hear of people who have lost a child and would be looking for resources or information, please never hesitate to contact me. When people ask me for advice and resources, it helps me feel like Brooklyn's life continues to serve greater purpose. Greater purpose than I will likely ever know.
If you are interested in signing this petition, PLEASE do. You will need to print a copy and mail it in. Unfortunately in order for the signature to be valid, online petitions as well as ones that are photocopied and faxed are not permissible.
Bill 141 Printable Petition
If you are interested in signging but don't have a printer, I have a copy you can sign! Please contact me and I will do what I can to get the petition in your hands. I will even mail it for you.
Also, please contact your local MPP to tell them how important this issue is. Their opinion matters and if they are made aware of this issue and how many people think its important, real change can happen.
MPP Contact Information - this is the link to find the contact information for your local MPP.
Finally, if you ever hear of people who have lost a child and would be looking for resources or information, please never hesitate to contact me. When people ask me for advice and resources, it helps me feel like Brooklyn's life continues to serve greater purpose. Greater purpose than I will likely ever know.
Tuesday, 3 November 2015
Someone Came Before You
It has been over a month and a half since I have last written a blog post. Not because I haven't wanted to, or because I didn't have the time, or because I haven't needed to use writing as a way to cope. Mostly because I often feel like I should be at a different stage in this grieving process. I feel embarrassed sometimes that I still have days where I miss my baby so much that my body physically aches. On November 5th, Brooklyn would have been 19 months old. Enough time has passed, that I feel like there's an expectation from others that I should be "better" by now. That thinking about Brooklyn, or talking about her somehow means I am dwelling on the past and not "moving on". I feel awkward bringing her up in conversation, or talking about my labour and delivery story - as if my story of her birth is any less valid or important than any one else's.
Right after we lost her, we met with the social worker at the hospital who told us this would happen. Time would move on, so would other people, slowly they would stop acknowledging her existence, and we would be left feeling like we are scrambling to hold onto any pieces of her memory we have left. This is how I've felt lately. I know it's not an intentional thing or something that is done to hurt us, it's just what happens when time moves on and our baby doesn't move with it. It's not even that I want to talk about her all the time, I just long to hear anyone say they miss her too.
Missing her definitely comes in waves. Actually no - missing her is constant, the intensity of this feeling varies. August, September, and the beginning of October were really hard months for me. I missed her like crazy and I felt like I was struggling to be a good mama to Aubrey because of it. I can't pin point the exact time the intensity lessened or why, but the feeling is easier these days. I know that the overwhelming longing will return again, and that I will be a little bit stronger each time it does.
I still keep Brooklyn's blanket on our bedside table. The only time I move it is to pick it up and smell it. Sometimes I feel weird for doing that, but when the memories we have of her are so few, I'll take what I can get. I know one day I will move it, maybe even tuck it away in her little memory box, but I don't like to think about that yet. Aubrey's things are scattered around our house, it helps me to know that Brooklyn has something lying around too.
Lately I have been trying to do more things for me. Since we got pregnant with Brooklyn in July of 2013, my body has either been used to grow or nurse a baby. My pregnancies were both physically draining, and my pregnancy with Aubrey was very stressful. I feel blessed that I am able to do these things, but it got to a point where I was exhausted and feeling like I was giving so much of myself away and not taking any time to refuel my batteries. I've slowly started doing things for myself again, and it has made a difference in both my mood and my perspective. I've also started letting go of things quicker, and being more intentional about how I spend my time. Life's too short - I don't want to look back and regret wasting so much time doing things that don't actually matter.
Tonight before bedtime, I was reading the book called "Someone Came Before You" to Aubrey. It talks about a Mommy and Daddy who had a baby who died, and how that baby stretched their hearts big enough to let in more love again. During one part, I was choking back the tears. Aubrey snuggled in close to me like she sometimes does, as if she knew that was exactly what I needed. Tears started streaming down my face, and I held her tight and told her I love her so very much. That sweet girl has softened my heart in a way I didn't think was possible again. She has taught me it's okay to laugh so hard I cry, and that it's okay to hope for better days. She truly is our rainbow after a storm.
Right after we lost her, we met with the social worker at the hospital who told us this would happen. Time would move on, so would other people, slowly they would stop acknowledging her existence, and we would be left feeling like we are scrambling to hold onto any pieces of her memory we have left. This is how I've felt lately. I know it's not an intentional thing or something that is done to hurt us, it's just what happens when time moves on and our baby doesn't move with it. It's not even that I want to talk about her all the time, I just long to hear anyone say they miss her too.
Missing her definitely comes in waves. Actually no - missing her is constant, the intensity of this feeling varies. August, September, and the beginning of October were really hard months for me. I missed her like crazy and I felt like I was struggling to be a good mama to Aubrey because of it. I can't pin point the exact time the intensity lessened or why, but the feeling is easier these days. I know that the overwhelming longing will return again, and that I will be a little bit stronger each time it does.
I still keep Brooklyn's blanket on our bedside table. The only time I move it is to pick it up and smell it. Sometimes I feel weird for doing that, but when the memories we have of her are so few, I'll take what I can get. I know one day I will move it, maybe even tuck it away in her little memory box, but I don't like to think about that yet. Aubrey's things are scattered around our house, it helps me to know that Brooklyn has something lying around too.
Lately I have been trying to do more things for me. Since we got pregnant with Brooklyn in July of 2013, my body has either been used to grow or nurse a baby. My pregnancies were both physically draining, and my pregnancy with Aubrey was very stressful. I feel blessed that I am able to do these things, but it got to a point where I was exhausted and feeling like I was giving so much of myself away and not taking any time to refuel my batteries. I've slowly started doing things for myself again, and it has made a difference in both my mood and my perspective. I've also started letting go of things quicker, and being more intentional about how I spend my time. Life's too short - I don't want to look back and regret wasting so much time doing things that don't actually matter.
Tonight before bedtime, I was reading the book called "Someone Came Before You" to Aubrey. It talks about a Mommy and Daddy who had a baby who died, and how that baby stretched their hearts big enough to let in more love again. During one part, I was choking back the tears. Aubrey snuggled in close to me like she sometimes does, as if she knew that was exactly what I needed. Tears started streaming down my face, and I held her tight and told her I love her so very much. That sweet girl has softened my heart in a way I didn't think was possible again. She has taught me it's okay to laugh so hard I cry, and that it's okay to hope for better days. She truly is our rainbow after a storm.
Monday, 14 September 2015
Not "Just" Milestones
Tomorrow is the 15th. That means that Aubrey has been safe in our arms for 7 whole months. I honestly do not know where the time has gone. I feel like I blinked and summer went by.
Our lives have been forever changed by this sweet girl. She makes our lives brighter, our patience stronger, and our hearts more full.
"Time heals all things." Is a very popular saying. I'm not sure if the person who first said this lived a very sheltered life, where they never encountered any sort of pain or grief, but this has certainly not been the case for me. I wish I could tell this person that yes "time changes many things," but it can't always completely heal them. That is not to say that Aubrey's life has not mended parts of me that I thought were broken forever. But there are certainly parts of me that will forever be empty. Though it doesn't make sense when I have a living child, there will be times when my arms will still feel so very empty. And they still do sometimes. These feelings have changed as time has gone on, but the longing I have for my first baby girl is still very much present. I still have yet to go a whole day without thinking of Brooklyn, though she is not always on the forefront of my mind anymore as Aubrey's daily needs demand lots of attention sometimes. Who am I kidding... most of the time.
I feel like in the past month, Aubs has grown and changed so much. She is now officially doing the "army crawl" to scoot around the floor, eating three "meals" a day (though still small meals), saying "mama" and "dada" just in the past week, and her little personality seems to form more and more every day. She really is such a sweet girl - though fiery and stubborn at times. I really do believe she will make the world a better place with both kindness and determination some day - actually, she already has.
All of these milestones are so exciting for us. I am sure they are exciting for anyone who has the privilege of parenting a living child for the first time, but for me, these milestones are a constant reminder of how blessed I am to watch this second born of mine grow.
Oh how I wish I could watch Brooklyn try to figure out how to crawl, or feel the same joy I felt when Aubrey first said "mama". These aren't just milestones to me. They never will be. On Aubrey's first day of kindergarten , when she graduates high school, when (and if she decides) to walk down the aisle, when (and if she decides) to have a child of her own some day - all of these things will be extra special to us.
Of course these stages sometimes bring sadness, as I wish I had the privilege of watching Brooklyn go through all of these milestones as well. But there is also an unexplainable joy that comes from watching Aubs go through them. Such a fine line we walk of grief and joy. There was a time last year when I wondered if I would ever be able to watch a child of my own do any of these things. And now here she is, our little rainbow baby who brings us joy even on our darkest days.
My heart will forever be longing for my firstborn, but loving our second that much more deeply.
Our lives have been forever changed by this sweet girl. She makes our lives brighter, our patience stronger, and our hearts more full.
"Time heals all things." Is a very popular saying. I'm not sure if the person who first said this lived a very sheltered life, where they never encountered any sort of pain or grief, but this has certainly not been the case for me. I wish I could tell this person that yes "time changes many things," but it can't always completely heal them. That is not to say that Aubrey's life has not mended parts of me that I thought were broken forever. But there are certainly parts of me that will forever be empty. Though it doesn't make sense when I have a living child, there will be times when my arms will still feel so very empty. And they still do sometimes. These feelings have changed as time has gone on, but the longing I have for my first baby girl is still very much present. I still have yet to go a whole day without thinking of Brooklyn, though she is not always on the forefront of my mind anymore as Aubrey's daily needs demand lots of attention sometimes. Who am I kidding... most of the time.
I feel like in the past month, Aubs has grown and changed so much. She is now officially doing the "army crawl" to scoot around the floor, eating three "meals" a day (though still small meals), saying "mama" and "dada" just in the past week, and her little personality seems to form more and more every day. She really is such a sweet girl - though fiery and stubborn at times. I really do believe she will make the world a better place with both kindness and determination some day - actually, she already has.
All of these milestones are so exciting for us. I am sure they are exciting for anyone who has the privilege of parenting a living child for the first time, but for me, these milestones are a constant reminder of how blessed I am to watch this second born of mine grow.
Oh how I wish I could watch Brooklyn try to figure out how to crawl, or feel the same joy I felt when Aubrey first said "mama". These aren't just milestones to me. They never will be. On Aubrey's first day of kindergarten , when she graduates high school, when (and if she decides) to walk down the aisle, when (and if she decides) to have a child of her own some day - all of these things will be extra special to us.
Of course these stages sometimes bring sadness, as I wish I had the privilege of watching Brooklyn go through all of these milestones as well. But there is also an unexplainable joy that comes from watching Aubs go through them. Such a fine line we walk of grief and joy. There was a time last year when I wondered if I would ever be able to watch a child of my own do any of these things. And now here she is, our little rainbow baby who brings us joy even on our darkest days.
My heart will forever be longing for my firstborn, but loving our second that much more deeply.
Wednesday, 5 August 2015
Another 5th
Around noon today, I realized I had been more emotional than usual, and was feeling physically and emotionally drained. We just got back from a trip to Saskatchewan to spend some time with Derek's family, so I just chalked it up to travelling and the time change catching up with me.
Then I realized today is the 5th. It has been 16 months since I last held my firstborn baby. I can still remember her sweet smell, and how round her big chubby cheeks were. Aubrey has the same cheeks that Brooklyn did, and sometimes when I kiss them, I feel like I'm right back in the moment when I kissed our girl goodbye, and felt her cold but soft cheeks on my lips. I would give almost anything to go back to that moment.
I wrote quite a few blog entires about how difficult being pregnant after losing Brooklyn was. Something I quickly realized once Aubrey was here, was that the difficulties weren't yet over.
Being pregnant after losing a child was extremely difficult, but parenting after loss has proven to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. In a lot of ways, way more difficult than being pregnant.
The day Aubrey was born, I was changing her diaper for the very first time. She spat up and started choking on her spit up, and then started to go blue. I pulled the emergency cord out of the wall and all of the nurses came rushing in. One nurse (who is actually a mutual friend) grabbed Aubrey out of my hands and rushed her off to the nursery. It was the scariest moment of my life. I had just delivered our living breathing miracle, and now I was sure we were going to lose her. She ended up being okay after they suctioned her, but Derek and I remained extremely nervous for a really long time after that. The first few days we had her home, I'm sure neither of us got any sleep because we were so nervous that the same thing would happen again.
And it actually did, when she was 5 weeks old, in the middle of the night she started choking on spit up again. She didn't go blue, but was lethargic and wouldn't open her eyes. We called 911 and went to Mac. Again she was fine, but another scary moment for us.
While we are more relaxed now, there are many things that are just plain difficult for us as we are parenting for the first time after losing our child. We invested in a video monitor for peace of mind once Aubrey started sleeping in her own room. This was a big step for me. I even cried that day, but knew that for Aubrey, Derek and I, it was the best decision. I often still find myself checking the video monitor to make sure her little back is rising up and down.
Then I realized today is the 5th. It has been 16 months since I last held my firstborn baby. I can still remember her sweet smell, and how round her big chubby cheeks were. Aubrey has the same cheeks that Brooklyn did, and sometimes when I kiss them, I feel like I'm right back in the moment when I kissed our girl goodbye, and felt her cold but soft cheeks on my lips. I would give almost anything to go back to that moment.
I wrote quite a few blog entires about how difficult being pregnant after losing Brooklyn was. Something I quickly realized once Aubrey was here, was that the difficulties weren't yet over.
Being pregnant after losing a child was extremely difficult, but parenting after loss has proven to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. In a lot of ways, way more difficult than being pregnant.
The day Aubrey was born, I was changing her diaper for the very first time. She spat up and started choking on her spit up, and then started to go blue. I pulled the emergency cord out of the wall and all of the nurses came rushing in. One nurse (who is actually a mutual friend) grabbed Aubrey out of my hands and rushed her off to the nursery. It was the scariest moment of my life. I had just delivered our living breathing miracle, and now I was sure we were going to lose her. She ended up being okay after they suctioned her, but Derek and I remained extremely nervous for a really long time after that. The first few days we had her home, I'm sure neither of us got any sleep because we were so nervous that the same thing would happen again.
And it actually did, when she was 5 weeks old, in the middle of the night she started choking on spit up again. She didn't go blue, but was lethargic and wouldn't open her eyes. We called 911 and went to Mac. Again she was fine, but another scary moment for us.
While we are more relaxed now, there are many things that are just plain difficult for us as we are parenting for the first time after losing our child. We invested in a video monitor for peace of mind once Aubrey started sleeping in her own room. This was a big step for me. I even cried that day, but knew that for Aubrey, Derek and I, it was the best decision. I often still find myself checking the video monitor to make sure her little back is rising up and down.
Even though she is a happy and healthy almost 6 month old little girl, the fear of losing her will always be in the back of my mind. Derek and I are very aware of our anxieties and fears, and have vowed to not be parents who place her in a bubble. We want her to be able to explore and figure out this world, even though at times it will be really difficult for us to let her do this. The thought of her getting hurt or working through disappointments in life already makes me tear up.
We know that for anyone who is parenting for the first time, so many things are new and scary. This has definitely been the case for us, and in many ways has been amplified by the loss of our Brooke.
We continue to be thankful for the many people who surround and encourage us through this parenting after loss journey. We're blessed to have other parents who are fumbling through parenting along side us, and the veteran parents who have been through it, are on the other side, and are cheering us on and giving advice.
My advice to any pregnant or new parents is to surround yourself with these people too. Parenting is the hardest and most important job you will ever do. It can be made just a little easier if we love and support each other along the way.
We know that for anyone who is parenting for the first time, so many things are new and scary. This has definitely been the case for us, and in many ways has been amplified by the loss of our Brooke.
We continue to be thankful for the many people who surround and encourage us through this parenting after loss journey. We're blessed to have other parents who are fumbling through parenting along side us, and the veteran parents who have been through it, are on the other side, and are cheering us on and giving advice.
My advice to any pregnant or new parents is to surround yourself with these people too. Parenting is the hardest and most important job you will ever do. It can be made just a little easier if we love and support each other along the way.
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