Not "Just" Milestones

Tomorrow is the 15th. That means that Aubrey has been safe in our arms for 7 whole months. I honestly do not know where the time has gone. I feel like I blinked and summer went by.

Our lives have been forever changed by this sweet girl. She makes our lives brighter, our patience stronger, and our hearts more full.

"Time heals all things." Is a very popular saying. I'm not sure if the person who first said this lived a very sheltered life, where they never encountered any sort of pain or grief, but this has certainly not been the case for me. I wish I could tell this person that yes "time changes many things," but it can't always completely heal them. That is not to say that Aubrey's life has not mended parts of me that I thought were broken forever. But there are certainly parts of me that will forever be empty. Though it doesn't make sense when I have a living child, there will be times when my arms will still feel so very empty. And they still do sometimes.  These feelings have changed as time has gone on, but the longing I have for my first baby girl is still very much present. I still have yet to go a whole day without thinking of Brooklyn, though she is not always on the forefront of my mind anymore as Aubrey's daily needs demand lots of attention sometimes. Who am I kidding... most of the time.

I feel like in the past month, Aubs has grown and changed so much. She is now officially doing the "army crawl" to scoot around the floor, eating three "meals" a day (though still small meals), saying "mama" and "dada" just in the past week, and her little personality seems to form more and more every day. She really is such a sweet girl - though fiery and stubborn at times. I really do believe she will make the world a better place with both kindness and determination some day - actually, she already has.

All of these milestones are so exciting for us. I am sure they are exciting for anyone who has the privilege of parenting a living child for the first time, but for me, these milestones are a constant reminder of how blessed I am to watch this second born of mine grow.

Oh how I wish I could watch Brooklyn try to figure out how to crawl, or feel the same joy I felt when Aubrey first said "mama". These aren't just milestones to me. They never will be. On Aubrey's first day of kindergarten , when she graduates high school, when (and if she decides) to walk down the aisle, when (and if she decides) to have a child of her own some day - all of these things will be extra special to us.

Of course these stages sometimes bring sadness, as I wish I had the privilege of watching Brooklyn go through all of these milestones as well. But there is also an unexplainable joy that comes from watching Aubs go through them. Such a fine line we walk of grief and joy. There was a time last year when I wondered if I would ever be able to watch a child of my own do any of these things. And now here she is, our little rainbow baby who brings us joy even on our darkest days.

My heart will forever be longing for my firstborn, but loving our second that much more deeply.