Two Weeks

It's hard to believe that our scheduled induction date is two weeks today. This pregnancy has gone by much faster than my pregnancy with Brooklyn - right until January hit. I feel like the days have been very long lately, and time is moving so slowly. The problem isn't that I'm not keeping busy. I have so many appointments every week, and have been going to the hospital to visit my Dad as much as I can. I have definitely been busy, but the anticipation is building and it makes time go slowly.

This month has been full of so many emotions - excitement, anxiety, anticipation, and even sadness, just to name a few. I often think about what life would be like with an almost 10 month old baby. Would she be crawling and pulling herself up by now? What would her little personality be like? Would she be a good sleeper or still be waking up through the night? I miss her so much and I'm starting to get nervous for if/how my feelings and time I will be able to put into my relationship with her will change once this baby arrives. I know this is a very normal feeling for anyone who is having a second child, but when you've lost a child, the feelings are compounded. I fear that if this baby girl lives and we are able to take her home and parent her, that my love for her will soon become greater than my love for Brooklyn - simply because she is physically present and able to be in relationship with me.

I think of Brooklyn's labour and delivery often, and am anxious to get over this very large challenge with baby A. I continue to be reassured that I will be on the monitors from the start of my induction to the very end, and that if anything happens, they will get her out quickly, but still my mind goes to the "what ifs." I know there are never guarantees in medicine (or in life for that matter), and while I'm hopeful for baby A's safe arrival, I don't think I'll fully believe it until she is safe in my arms. Even then, I'm sure it will feel surreal for a little while.

When Brooklyn was born, I remember how silent the delivery room was. Where the room should have been full of the sound of a baby's first cry, it was just silent. They took her away to the warmer right after I delivered her, and I remember how relieved I felt as I looked over at my baby girl. The delivery was over, but what I didn't realize at the time was that it would actually be the easy part. This time around, I'm really hopeful that this baby girl will come out screaming. I can't wait for her to be placed on my chest, and to feel her warm body against mine. But most of all, I can't wait to see which of her features are like her big sisters, and which will be her very own.

Of course I am anxious about the labour and delivery, but I'm even more nervous for all of the emotions that will come afterwards. I know that parenting after losing a child is no easy task. While I will be so grateful for her safe arrival and the opportunity to parent a living a child, I know it will come with a new set of challenges. I've already started praying that God will prepare my heart for these new emotions.

Baby A keeps doing well and growing big inside of me. She continues to get 8/8 on her biophysical profiles (special ultrasounds), and 2/2 on her non-stress tests. Our little girl is so smart already! She is above the 90th percentile for her gestation, and the OB thinks that even with her early arrival, she will be over 7lbs.

I have just started to pack our bags, and packing baby A's bag has brought up a lot of emotions. It hasn't even been a year since I packed the very same diaper bag for Brooklyn. I just so hope this time our baby will actually get to use the things I'm so carefully picking out for her.

We can't wait to meet her, and are really hoping the next 14 days go by quickly, and with no complications.

Diapers, Detergent, and Reckless Hope

With only 5 weeks left (35 days) until the expected arrival of this little one, I am in full nesting mode. I have been organizing, cleaning, and preparing our home like crazy. I definitely nested with Brooklyn, but I don't remember it happening this early. My body, brain, and hormones continue to amaze me. It's almost as if they have completely taken over and my sole mission these days is to ensure our home is prepared for our baby girl.

Part of preparing has meant going through our baby items, clothes, diapers, wipes, toiletries, etc. to see what we still need to purchase.

Last night Derek and I made a trip to Wal Mart to pick some things we needed for the house. We stopped in the baby section, looked to see if there were any sales, and noticed that diapers were marked down. Before we had Brooklyn, we only bought a very small pack of newborn sized diapers because we weren't sure how big she would be. With this little lady coming almost 3 weeks early, chances are she will fit into newborn diapers for at least a couple of weeks.

We also headed to the grocery section and picked up a bottle of baby laundry detergent because I have a couple of new outfits that need to be washed before she is here.

As we were standing in the check out line, I started to feel anxious and said to Derek "should we just wait to get the diapers? we have 20 newborn diapers at home that we can use, and we can go out and get more if we need them." "They're on sale now and we will need them" he said.

To most parents awaiting the arrival of a new baby, buying newborn diapers and laundry detergent are simply a few ways of preparing. But for me, it feels so reckless when there is no absolute guarantee that she will be coming home with us.

When we got home and started to put things away, I held the receipt in my hand for quite a while. I thought to myself "maybe I'll just hang on to this and we can return them if we have to." But then I decided to throw it out.

You see, the more time that passes, and the closer we get to meeting baby A, the more hope I have for her life. Even though I have intentionally tried to guard my heart and disconnect as much as possible, I am head over heels in love with this little girl. This reckless hope is worth it to me. Of course I am hopeful that she will come to us alive and well, but I am very aware that whether with us, or any other expecting couple, there is always a possibility this won't happen. After we lost Brooklyn and were talking about when to try again for another baby, Derek reminded me that guarding my heart won't make it hurt any less if we are to lose the next baby too. This has stuck with me - he is absolutely right.

Although this hope will always be guarded until she is safe in my arms, I would much rather be recklessly hopeful for baby A and do things to prepare for her arrival, than already assuming that she won't make it.

The other night, I had the first dream about our girl that I've had since the first trimester. In this dream, she was alive and well, and looked just like I had imagined. She had light brown hair that was curly like her big sisters, and was a tiny 6lb baby. I was feeding her, and she snuggled perfectly into my body; almost as if it was made to hold her. I woke up and felt so at peace.

Our appointments continue to go well, and two weeks ago, she was measuring 3.5lbs. She has been head down since 24 weeks, and continues to remain in this position. One less thing to worry about! Her feet are in the same spot Brooklyn's were in, and I often think of the times I would sit feeling Brooklyn's heels in my side. I miss that little girl so much these days.

I am trying to enjoy every moment in this pregnancy, but part of me also wants to fast forward 5 weeks from now so she can just be here safe.

Please continue to be recklessly hopeful with us.