Viability is a very exciting term to me. At 24 weeks, if something were to happen and this baby needed to be born, there is a chance she could survive. That chance is still very small at 24 weeks, but the chance is there. From now on, her chances of surviving outside of my body only increase, and at 28 weeks, most babies born are able to survive with medical assistance. Needless to say, I am very excited to have made it to 24 weeks.
Of course we know first hand that there is never truly a "safe zone" in pregnancy, but this hope of viability helps to ease just a little bit of my anxiety.
We met with our OB for the first time last Wednesday. Our appointment was at 12:30pm, but we didn't end up leaving there until 2:15pm. This is because some of our results from the testing we had done on Brooklyn STILL aren't in... The OB wasn't happy about this, and spent a lot of time on the phone with people from McMaster. She came back in the room and said "so I lit a fire under their butts and the results should be in in the next 2-3 days." Realizing how much power and influence our OB has in the medical community really helped to calm my nerves. I knew that she was well known and had heard she is a great OB, but having her advocate for us really helped to solidify this.
We talked about lots of things, including how I was feeling during this pregnancy, what labour and delivery plans will look like, and what extra testing and monitoring we will have done. She even remembered how long my labour was last time, compared to how quickly I delivered Brooklyn. Dr. Lightheart was the OB who had to confirm the news that Brooklyn's heart had stopped. She remembered us and knew our story. And the one of the first things she said to us in our meeting was "I know you won't believe me until you walk out of that hospital with a baby in your arms." I thanked her for saying this. She understands what it is like to walk through a pregnancy after a full-term loss, and she validated the fear and doubt I have. All of these things helped me to feel more at ease.
We asked her opinion on scheduled C-Section vs. scheduled induction, and she said she would like me to try to be induced. We know my body is able to deliver a baby without complications, and she assured me that baby A and I will be monitored in labour the entire time, from start to finish. She also said that she expects my labour would go much faster this time around. She did say that if my anxiety is too high towards the end we can reconsider a C-Section, but said that the risks to both baby A and I are much higher than vaginal delivery.
Starting at 28 weeks, I will have weekly ultrasounds to make sure baby A is still growing well, her amniotic fluid levels are appropriate, that she is getting enough oxygen, and that the placenta and cord are still doing their jobs and not causing complications. I will also have weekly non-stress tests where her movements and heart rate are monitored for an extended period of time. These tests will be scattered throughout the week so that there are many eyes on her every couple of days.
Dr. Lightheart also told me that if I'm ever nervous about baby A's movements or anything else happening, to just go straight to labour and delivery at the hospital for an assessment. She said to tell the hospital that I am her patient, and that we lost our first baby and they will take good care of us. She made me feel like it's okay to be extra cautious and even if it means I'm in the hospital a lot, that's okay.
Needless to say, we are feeling really good about our decision for shared-care with midwives and an OB. I can honestly say that Dr. Lightheart is going to take really good care of us and keep a very watchful eye on baby A.
I am missing Brooklyn a lot these days. I often think about what life would be like if we had a little 7 month old here with us. Would she be crawling around by now? What would her favourite mashed up foods be? What would she look like? Would she have my blue eyes or Derek's hazel eyes? Would she be sleeping through the night? All of these things are answers we will never have.
I often wonder what it will be like to parent a living child if everything continues to go well with baby A. I feel like I have gotten so used to parenting a child who has died, that this new experience will be emotionally overwhelming for me.
I have also experienced a lot of motherly guilt lately. I wonder how my heart will ever have enough love for these two precious girls. I wonder if it will be easier for me to love baby A if she is alive and well, and if my love for Brooklyn will change. I know many mother's experience the "will I have enough love, time, energy for these two little ones" thoughts, but when your only experience of parenting is when your child has died, it makes these thoughts and feelings very challenging.
I am struggling to plan for this baby's nursery, as I can't bring myself to paint and change Brooklyn's colours yet. The nursery still feels very much like Brookyln's, and without the guarantee of baby A coming home with us, it is hard for me to plan for her arrival. I am thankful for a close friend who often sends me ideas for colours and bedding. She helps me to have hope, and encourages me in loving ways (and probably without realizing it) to prepare both physically and emotionally for baby A to come home.
With only a two month break between pregnancies, I often feel like this is one big long pregnancy and we have been waiting forever for a baby to be in our arms. However, even with all of the stress that accompanies this pregnancy, I thank God often for this blessing. I know that pregnancy is not something to be taken lightly, and something many people wish they could experience. We are thankful beyond all measure to have gotten pregnant quickly with both of our girls. While we wish Brooklyn was here with us, we are constantly reminded to just be grateful for the experiences we had with her while I was pregnant, and the experiences we are having with her little sister. Still, we try to remain hopeful for baby A's life, and to be able to experience a living child.
Dr. Lightheart also told me that if I'm ever nervous about baby A's movements or anything else happening, to just go straight to labour and delivery at the hospital for an assessment. She said to tell the hospital that I am her patient, and that we lost our first baby and they will take good care of us. She made me feel like it's okay to be extra cautious and even if it means I'm in the hospital a lot, that's okay.
Needless to say, we are feeling really good about our decision for shared-care with midwives and an OB. I can honestly say that Dr. Lightheart is going to take really good care of us and keep a very watchful eye on baby A.
I am missing Brooklyn a lot these days. I often think about what life would be like if we had a little 7 month old here with us. Would she be crawling around by now? What would her favourite mashed up foods be? What would she look like? Would she have my blue eyes or Derek's hazel eyes? Would she be sleeping through the night? All of these things are answers we will never have.
I often wonder what it will be like to parent a living child if everything continues to go well with baby A. I feel like I have gotten so used to parenting a child who has died, that this new experience will be emotionally overwhelming for me.
I have also experienced a lot of motherly guilt lately. I wonder how my heart will ever have enough love for these two precious girls. I wonder if it will be easier for me to love baby A if she is alive and well, and if my love for Brooklyn will change. I know many mother's experience the "will I have enough love, time, energy for these two little ones" thoughts, but when your only experience of parenting is when your child has died, it makes these thoughts and feelings very challenging.
I am struggling to plan for this baby's nursery, as I can't bring myself to paint and change Brooklyn's colours yet. The nursery still feels very much like Brookyln's, and without the guarantee of baby A coming home with us, it is hard for me to plan for her arrival. I am thankful for a close friend who often sends me ideas for colours and bedding. She helps me to have hope, and encourages me in loving ways (and probably without realizing it) to prepare both physically and emotionally for baby A to come home.
With only a two month break between pregnancies, I often feel like this is one big long pregnancy and we have been waiting forever for a baby to be in our arms. However, even with all of the stress that accompanies this pregnancy, I thank God often for this blessing. I know that pregnancy is not something to be taken lightly, and something many people wish they could experience. We are thankful beyond all measure to have gotten pregnant quickly with both of our girls. While we wish Brooklyn was here with us, we are constantly reminded to just be grateful for the experiences we had with her while I was pregnant, and the experiences we are having with her little sister. Still, we try to remain hopeful for baby A's life, and to be able to experience a living child.
No comments:
Post a Comment