Life in the Hisson household has been very busy as of late. In November, we found out we are expecting baby #3. This news came with lots of different emotions. This baby was planned and hoped for, but we thought it would take a little longer than it did. In the very beginning, I had days when I was just scared. Scared of what this would mean for us, and scared of what this would mean for Aubrey. Aubrey will only be 17 months old when this little one arrives, and I'm scared for how this will completely turn her world upside down. I still have times when I think about how big this change will be, but I can truly say that I am beyond excited for this precious baby.
It seems that all three of my pregnancies have been so different. I was really sick with Brooklyn and Aubs. With Brooklyn it lasted until around 32 weeks, and with Aubs it seemed more intense but stopped around 14 weeks. Yet again, I had the nausea and vomiting with this little one, but it didn't seem to hit me quite as hard as the first two times. I also noticed I wasn't as tired in the first trimester as I was with the girls. I think part if it has to do with the fact that I just didn't have time to be tired. Aubrey is so busy - I'm just used to having to chase her around all day and fake the energy - even when I feel like I have nothing left.
My official due date is August 4th, but I'll be induced between 37 and 38 weeks again - meaning we'll meet baby #3 sometime mid to late July! It's funny, I always said I would never have a summer baby or a winter baby, and now I'll have a baby in summer, winter AND spring. It still seems so surreal that I'm a mother of three now. We will find out this baby's gender sometime in March, and we're really looking forward to learning more about this little one growing inside of me!
I blogged a lot about how anxious I was being pregnant with Aubs. I've found myself much more relaxed this pregnancy. I think partly because I've been so preoccupied, and partly because this time around I know what to expect. I know that I will be monitored closely, and that my midwives and OB will take great care of me. I feel so blessed to have such a great medical team, who treat me as more than just another patient. They truly care about my well being, and the well being of this baby. I'm sure the further along I get, the more I will think about the "what ifs." Once you've lost a baby, or had someone close to you lose a baby, you realize that it can happen to anyone at any time. Unfortunately, no one is immune to baby or child loss. Even if you've already been through it. I personally find knowledge is power for me. When we lost Brooklyn, I did a lot of research. The research I did personally, along with the autopsy we got back, as well as the information my midwives and OB have given me, have helped me feel like there is a good chance this baby will be born alive and well - just like Aubrey was. Until then, we can only pray, and do everything in our own power to ensure this happens.
As if being pregnant wasn't enough, in early December we decided we would list our house in January. We worked hard all of December and half of January putting finishing touches on our house and staging it to sell. Thankfully it sold in 8 hours without conditions, so we were able to move back in the day after it was listed! It was so nice to not have the extra stress of a house on the market for a long time.
Since then, we've been looking at so many houses. We have put in two offers already, and lost both. The housing market in Hamilton is booming like crazy, and competition is FIERCE. Many houses are selling for $30,000-$40,000 over asking WITHOUT conditions. We're being pretty picky, because like our first house, we don't want to move for the next 5-10 years. So we're hoping something perfect, in one of our ideal areas comes up soon. Our house closes at the end of April so it would be great if we could "win" a house soon. That's honestly what it feels like these days... We put in an offer just praying we'll win.
On February 5th, Brooklyn would have been twenty-two months old. I can't believe it's been that long since I've held her, and kissed her cold little face. Aubrey plays with Brooklyn bear often, and it makes my heart so happy. We also keep Brooklyn's blanket on our bedside table, and she has taken an interest in that lately. I often say things like "we need to be very gentle with sissy's blanket - it's very special." She often responds by throwing it on the ground and smiling at me. She is trouble - but I know one day she will appreciate the few things we have left of Brooklyn.
Now that Aubs is saying words (her favourites are "daw" - dog, "yeah", "dada", "mama", "f-shhhh" - fish, and "woof"), I have thought many times about how great it will be when she can say "Brooke." I've tried practicing with her a few times now and she's not quite there, but I know when it does happen, it will be so very special.
Sometimes I watch Aubrey playing by herself and get really sad. I continue to mourn the lost relationship her and Brooklyn can no longer have this side of Heaven. I'm really excited to have a baby so close in age to Aubrey, but like Aubrey couldn't be, this baby will never be a replacement for Brooklyn. We will always be missing her in everything we do.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I recently had someone tell me they really miss my blogs. She told me her grandmother lost a baby, and even at 90 continues to think about her every day. I know that I will miss Brooklyn forever. I will miss her when she should be starting JK, I'll miss her when she should be graduating high school, and when she should be getting married and starting a family of her own. Missing her doesn't mean I don't appreciate what I do have. Trust me - when you lose a child, you count your blessings often. But it doesn't make the missing part hurt any less.
I'm so lucky to have so many close mom friends, and lots of little friends for Aubrey to play with. Recently we took a picture with all of the babies lined up by age. I couldn't help but think about a sweet little girl who was missing from the photo. She should have been there. She should be here every day, living this crazy life with us.
As time goes on, I miss her in different ways. But one thing that stays the same, is the missing part never leaves.
Please pray for us as we continue this pregnancy journey. I'm sure it will have its ups and downs - it already has. And please pray that the perfect house in a great neighbourhood comes up for us soon. We are going to miss our neighbourhood so much, and it would be nice to move into one where we are certain we can make new great memories.
