You Are One

Our precious Brooklyn,

April 4th marked one year since we found out we had lost you. The past few weeks I've thought about that moment often. It feels like just yesterday. I will never forget the way I felt laying on that table in the back room of triage, or the way it sounded when I cried out in sorrow when they confirmed that your heart had stopped beating. Those emotions are still so raw and so fresh, and I'm sure that even 50 years down the road, I will still be able to mentally go right back to that place.

I can't believe it has been one full year since you, our beautiful first born baby girl was born. I wonder if you'd be walking by now. Would your dark curly hair still be dark and curly? Would you be talking now? I'm so sad that we're missing out on all of these things and more, my sweet girl.

Mama wishes that she had been able to plan your first birthday party, instead of having to decide what to do on the 5th to celebrate your short life. Daddy, Aubrey, and I wore purple for you that day, and mama made cupcakes with purple icing and mini eggs on top to celebrate you. When I was pregnant with you, mini eggs were my biggest craving. They always make me think of you.

Daddy, Aubrey and I went to visit you that day too. It was a snowy cold day so we couldn't stay very long, but it was so nice to see all the different flowers that people had left you for your birthday. Your Daddy brought you a purple one. As we left, I turned to him and said that sometimes it still doesn't feel real. It feels like a bad dream, and though I'm no longer pregnant, it feels as if we are still waiting for you to arrive.

The past month has been really hard. Not only was I dealing with grieving your loss, your little sister was very fussy. It got to the point where I felt like if she was awake, she was crying. At one point I was seriously concerned about having postpartum depression. But after talking to our midwife, she confirmed that I was overwhelmed and not so much depressed. This is because Mama was able to laugh and feel good when Aubrey wasn't fussy. After trying everything to make her feel better, Mama ended up cutting out dairy and so far it has helped. She still has her fussy moments but not near as many.

During those really fussy weeks, I often thought about how I felt bad for Aubrey. You see my sweet girl, all of my experiences with you were joyful. I never had those frustrating long days when you just wouldn't sleep or felt like a bad Mama because I just couldn't settle you. But with Aubrey, with the love and joy I have for her, also comes frustration at times. Frustration and then regret from being frustrated. Then comes the second and triple guessing of all parenting decisions with her. I always love her - always, but the only emotions you ever experienced me having for you was pure joy. That will always make you so special. She is so very special to us too, but both of you in different ways.

Sometimes when Aubrey sleeps, I will just watch her in amazement. But sometimes I watch her because I'm still nervous we will lose her. I often check to see if her little chest is still rising up and down, and even when she sleeps well at night, Mama sets her alarm every three hours to make sure she is still okay. It still feels crazy to me that she arrived safely and continues to be healthy and alive. Like losing you, it just doesn't feel real.

We love her so very much. I know you would too. I continue to mourn that until we are all together again one day, I will never see you two play together as sisters. I see a lot of you in her. Especially when she sleeps so peacefully. I so wish you were here to teach her things. I know you'd be the best big sister.

I often wonder what Aubs will be like when she grows up. Mama is really interested in birth order and how that determines a person's temperament and personality. With Aubrey, though she is our second child, she is our first living one. I wonder if she will be more like a first born or more like a second born. Maybe she'll be some sort of hybrid :)

I hope you had a great first birthday my love. I know that the celebration you had in Heaven was so much greater than any first birthday party I ever could have planned.

I love you. I miss you. And this Brooklyn-sized hole in my heart still longs for you.

Love always,

Mama xo