Strong Women

Recently, my mum posted an article on my Facebook wall about how we as mother's need to stop judging each other, and instead build each other up. The premise is that we are all just trying to be the best mamas, and do the best we can.  This is something that has been on my heart and in my mind for a little while now, after seeing a Similac advertisement that brings humour to the "extremes" of parenting. It shows mamas pushing strollers making fun of mamas wearing carriers, working mamas making fun of stay at home mamas, breastfeeding mamas judging bottle-feeding mamas, etc.  All of the sudden a stroller with a baby in it takes off down a hill, and all the parents run towards the stroller to help. The ad ends by saying "No matter what our beliefs, we are parents first."It really brought to light the solidarity of parents and type of mama community I want to be a part of.

When I got pregnant with Brooklyn, I became obsessed with researching. I researched everything from the safest car seat, the benefits of breast feeding and "baby wearing", and even the development of an infant/toddler's brain. Once I was overloaded with information, I felt I had a pretty good grasp on the best and safest products we needed to buy, and how we would raise and parent our daughter.

While being pregnant with Aubrey and trying to prepare for her arrival felt different than it did with Brooklyn, I still continued to maintain these rigid ideas. I knew I wanted to breast feed. I knew I wanted to wear her in the sling and carrier as much as possible. I knew I wanted to wait a while before giving her a soother. And most of all, I knew I definitely didn't want to co-sleep. A lot of my ideas were very rigid.

After 10 short weeks of parenting, though I am exclusively breastfeeding now, there were two days in the very beginning of Aubrey' s life that my milk wasn't in and I had to supplement with a bit of formula - devastating to someone who wanted to exclusively breastfeed. I wear her in the sling and Ergo alot but I use the stroller much more often than I thought I would. After a very long and sleepless night, when she was just 7 days old, I caved and gave her a soother. And there have been times that I have brought her into bed to snuggle with me - more often than I ever thought I would. I wish my "pregnant with Brooklyn-self" could see me now.

Before parenting, I was totally one of those people who passed judgment without even meaning to on people who chose to parent in ways I could never imagine myself doing. What I'm learning with Aubrey is, sometimes you have to do whatever works in that moment, even if that means going against things you swore you'd never do. This is hard for someone who is stubborn like myself. It's hard to let go of those rigid ideas I had, and just learn to be in the moment as a parent. It's even harder to look back and feel the conviction of being one of those judgmental people that I have encountered in my 10 short weeks of parenting a living child.

Another huge thing that I am slowly learning, is that right now, Aubrey's temperament is not a reflection of my parenting. I have had a hard time with that because she has been a fussy and relatively "high-needs" baby. It's hard being out in public with her, or at a gathering when she is crying. I have often thought "what do they think of me as a mother, I can't even soothe my own baby." After a very close friend reminded me that this is not a reflection of me as a mama, I'm just starting to feel more relaxed, and less guilty. My mum also reminded me tonight that I am a good mama, even when I don't think I am, and that Aubrey loves me very much, no matter how impatient I think I'm being. I'm starting to let go of the idea that her crying is a result of something I am or am not doing, instead, sometimes she just needs a good cry.

I have always wanted to have girls. I joked with Derek before we ever got pregnant that we would only ever have girls, and so far, I've been right. Part of the reason I wanted girls so badly, was so I could raise them to be strong women. Too often I have seen women judge one another, talk about each other, or have such low self-esteem that they feel the need to continue these patterns. I so badly wanted to raise women who would be confident, and build other people around them up instead of tear them down.

If you're a parent who has been parenting even for a little while, encourage a new mama. Make a point of it to tell her she's doing a great job. Invite her over for coffee. See if there's anything she needs. I can't even express how thankful I am to the people who have done these things for me in the past ten weeks.  

Also, encourage mamas who have been doing it for a while. Remind them that  they are also doing a great job. Sometimes doing the same job daily can wear someone down. As great as parenting is, sometimes it is just plain hard. We all need a little encouragement, even more experienced mamas.

Stand beside other mamas (and dads). And let them know they're not alone. They're doing the hardest job in the whole world, and while it comes with its perks, it's also okay to admit that it's just really hard sometimes. Love on them, pray for them, encourage them, and build them up.

I hope to raise Aubrey to be a strong and confident lady. One who is able to be flexible, and not so rigid in her ideas. One who chooses to build other women up around her and empower them to do the same. And I hope with all my heart, that I can be an example to her of someone who also does this.

I hope I can show her that when it comes to parenting, we are all trying to do it the best way we know how. If we remember that, we can work together to encourage and empower one another to raise little people who do the same.

You Are One

Our precious Brooklyn,

April 4th marked one year since we found out we had lost you. The past few weeks I've thought about that moment often. It feels like just yesterday. I will never forget the way I felt laying on that table in the back room of triage, or the way it sounded when I cried out in sorrow when they confirmed that your heart had stopped beating. Those emotions are still so raw and so fresh, and I'm sure that even 50 years down the road, I will still be able to mentally go right back to that place.

I can't believe it has been one full year since you, our beautiful first born baby girl was born. I wonder if you'd be walking by now. Would your dark curly hair still be dark and curly? Would you be talking now? I'm so sad that we're missing out on all of these things and more, my sweet girl.

Mama wishes that she had been able to plan your first birthday party, instead of having to decide what to do on the 5th to celebrate your short life. Daddy, Aubrey, and I wore purple for you that day, and mama made cupcakes with purple icing and mini eggs on top to celebrate you. When I was pregnant with you, mini eggs were my biggest craving. They always make me think of you.

Daddy, Aubrey and I went to visit you that day too. It was a snowy cold day so we couldn't stay very long, but it was so nice to see all the different flowers that people had left you for your birthday. Your Daddy brought you a purple one. As we left, I turned to him and said that sometimes it still doesn't feel real. It feels like a bad dream, and though I'm no longer pregnant, it feels as if we are still waiting for you to arrive.

The past month has been really hard. Not only was I dealing with grieving your loss, your little sister was very fussy. It got to the point where I felt like if she was awake, she was crying. At one point I was seriously concerned about having postpartum depression. But after talking to our midwife, she confirmed that I was overwhelmed and not so much depressed. This is because Mama was able to laugh and feel good when Aubrey wasn't fussy. After trying everything to make her feel better, Mama ended up cutting out dairy and so far it has helped. She still has her fussy moments but not near as many.

During those really fussy weeks, I often thought about how I felt bad for Aubrey. You see my sweet girl, all of my experiences with you were joyful. I never had those frustrating long days when you just wouldn't sleep or felt like a bad Mama because I just couldn't settle you. But with Aubrey, with the love and joy I have for her, also comes frustration at times. Frustration and then regret from being frustrated. Then comes the second and triple guessing of all parenting decisions with her. I always love her - always, but the only emotions you ever experienced me having for you was pure joy. That will always make you so special. She is so very special to us too, but both of you in different ways.

Sometimes when Aubrey sleeps, I will just watch her in amazement. But sometimes I watch her because I'm still nervous we will lose her. I often check to see if her little chest is still rising up and down, and even when she sleeps well at night, Mama sets her alarm every three hours to make sure she is still okay. It still feels crazy to me that she arrived safely and continues to be healthy and alive. Like losing you, it just doesn't feel real.

We love her so very much. I know you would too. I continue to mourn that until we are all together again one day, I will never see you two play together as sisters. I see a lot of you in her. Especially when she sleeps so peacefully. I so wish you were here to teach her things. I know you'd be the best big sister.

I often wonder what Aubs will be like when she grows up. Mama is really interested in birth order and how that determines a person's temperament and personality. With Aubrey, though she is our second child, she is our first living one. I wonder if she will be more like a first born or more like a second born. Maybe she'll be some sort of hybrid :)

I hope you had a great first birthday my love. I know that the celebration you had in Heaven was so much greater than any first birthday party I ever could have planned.

I love you. I miss you. And this Brooklyn-sized hole in my heart still longs for you.

Love always,

Mama xo