Two Under One

Yesterday our little Aubrey was 3 weeks old. In some ways, time has been going way too fast, and in others, it feels like she has been a part of our family forever. She fits in so well, and I can hardly remember what life was like without her.

March 5th was our first "5th" having Aubrey around. The 5th is always a hard day for me, and this one was no exception. Everything I did with Aubrey reminded me that I have never and will never have the opportunity to do those things with Brooklyn - whether it was nursing her, rocking her, or changing her diaper. And then I would feel guilty for not "just being grateful" that I am able to do those things with Aubrey. Don't get me wrong - I feel so incredibly blessed for the opportunity to parent Aubrey and to do all of those things with her. Even something as simple as holding her in my arms feels like such a privilege because I so long to do those things with Brooklyn. But I am realizing even more since Aubrey was born, that having her here doesn't take away the longing I have for Brooklyn. My love for both of our girls is so strong, and the presence of Aubrey does not take away from the absence of Brooklyn.

The past three weeks, I have often thought about what life would be like with two babies under one. Brooklyn would have only been 11 months old on March 5th, and I have a feeling life would be very crazy. Of course I know that we likely wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Aubrey so soon if we hadn't lost Brooklyn, but I still daydream about what life would be like if our family wasn't missing one little person.

Even while we still grieve the loss of Brooklyn, Aubrey has brought us so much joy. She is already changing so much, and is much more alert these days. She is following with both of her eyes together, instead of having one that goes the opposite way (really creepy by the way!), and her neck is getting so strong with all of the tummy time we are doing. When she was first born, I didn't think she looked like Brooklyn, except for their eyes, but as she gets bigger, I am seeing more of a resemblance.
Even with all the joy and love we have for Aubrey, parenting a living child is hard. You hear about sleep deprivation and always needing to be available from other parents, but until you're actually in it, it's indescribeable. We are thankful that most nights Aubrey falls right back asleep after she eats, and we are able to sleep until the next feed, but the longest stretch of sleep I've gotten in 3 weeks is 5 hours. So worth it - but still so hard some days.

Derek had two weeks off, and went back to work last Monday. I thought it would be really challenging for me, but so far Aubrey and I have enjoyed our one on one time together. We even managed to get out once a day last week even if it was only an hour each time. Having a winter baby is hard because the weather has been way too cold to have her outside lately. We were so thankful for the beautiful day we had yesterday because we were able to take her out for her first walk! After we lost Brooklyn, one of the things I was so sad I would never experience was carrying her in the many different carriers I had. I had a really hard time walking our dog after we lost her because I had pictured walking with Brooklyn in the carrier many times while pregnant with her. I was so excited to "baby wear". Yesterdays walk was so special because I was finally able to carry one of my babies while out for a walk. Actually, yesterday was full of firsts for her. After church, we managed to go out for lunch with friends and she did so well!

Life is so unpredictable these days, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Next month on the 5th, Brooklyn would have been 1 year old. It just so happens that it falls on Easter Sunday this year too. We want to do something special to celebrate her, but haven't decided just what to do yet. Either way, I know this day will be really hard for us. However, the day will be made a little more sweet by the presence of our rainbow baby. Our sweet girl who has taught us that good things still happen in the world, and that it's okay to continue having hope and dreaming of better days.

Aubrey on the left at "39 weeks + 3 days" and Brooklyn on the right at the same gestation.

Our first walk! Finally getting to snuggle one of my babies close.