A Time to Mourn

"To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Life has been very busy lately. Caring for a little person who is completely dependent on you is really hard work. Rewarding, but hard. Some days are good and I am able to have a shower, eat all three meals, and maybe even do some dishes and get out of the house. Other days are completely unpredictable, and Aubrey is either eating every 2-3 hours still, or is upset because her stomach is gassy.

I try not to complain about the bad days too much because of the appreciation I have for how much of a miracle Aubrey's life is. But the truth is, sometimes the days just feel really tough.

Aubrey continues to change so much. She's almost gained 2lbs since birth, weighing in at 9lbs 4oz last Thursday, and just yesterday I packed away the majority of her newborn clothes. Her eyes are focused and following toys and people. She recognizes mine and Derek's voices, and turns to us when we talk to her. She has yet to give us a smile that isn't gas related but I'm hoping that happens soon!

We love our little lady so much, and even when the days are hard, I know they are so worth it.

Aubrey and I were able to go and visit Brooklyn the other day - something I haven't been able to do since Aubrey was born. It was such a nice visit (even though my littlest girl slept the entire time), and the weather was beautiful to top it off. Being there with Aubrey made me excited for visits in the future when she understands who Brooklyn is, and even asks to go visit herself.

I've said it so many times before, but now more than ever am understanding that the joy of Aubrey doesn't take away from the grief I have for the loss of Brooklyn. In just under two weeks, it should be Brooklyn's first birthday. I'm finding that my longing for her grows stronger the closer April gets. Of course I always long for her, but there are certain times where it is especially apparent. Recently I have thought a lot about the days leading up to her birth - the pure joy and anticipation we had as we awaited the arrival of our first born. And the contrasting days after her birth of such shock and sorrow.

Sometimes when I look in the back seat of the car to check on Aubrey, I daydream about how life would be if there were two car seats in the back instead of one. I wonder what Brooklyn would have looked like at 5 weeks old. Would she look like Aubrey or would they be completely different? Would her temperament be different than Aubrey's? And then I feel guilty for grieving and not "just being thankful" for Aubrey's safe arrival and health.

But then I remember, it's okay to feel this way. It's okay to love Aubrey and be so very thankful for her arrival, while mourning everything I'm missing out on with Brooklyn. It's okay to laugh one second at the cute little things that Aubrey does, and then cry while holding her in my arms, wishing I was able to do the same with her big sister. It's okay to wish I had both of my girls running errands with me, instead of visiting my biggest girl in a cemetery. All of these things are okay.

Shortly after we lost Brooklyn, someone told me to let myself feel however I'm feeling, and not to feel any guilt. They told me to be gentle with myself. This advice has been very much needed the past 5 weeks. I'm learning to let myself just be. I tend to over analyze my thoughts and feelings often so it has been a bit refreshing to start the process of learning to be gentle with myself. It also makes it hard because learning to be okay with everything I'm feeling means needing to deeply feel every emotion - including the hard ones. The ones I normally like to push to the back of my mind and not think about or address.

Easter Sunday just happens to fall on April 5th this year. It will be our second Easter without our Brooklyn, and I anticipate an emotional day. We are hoping to do something special for her, but still haven't decided just what. I often associate the colour purple with Brooklyn because that's the colour we painted the nursery for her, so Aubrey and I will definitely be wearing purple that day.

As our "seasons" continue to change, God's love remains the same - and for that I have never been so thankful.

Visiting our spring baby with her little sister on the first day of spring.

Two Under One

Yesterday our little Aubrey was 3 weeks old. In some ways, time has been going way too fast, and in others, it feels like she has been a part of our family forever. She fits in so well, and I can hardly remember what life was like without her.

March 5th was our first "5th" having Aubrey around. The 5th is always a hard day for me, and this one was no exception. Everything I did with Aubrey reminded me that I have never and will never have the opportunity to do those things with Brooklyn - whether it was nursing her, rocking her, or changing her diaper. And then I would feel guilty for not "just being grateful" that I am able to do those things with Aubrey. Don't get me wrong - I feel so incredibly blessed for the opportunity to parent Aubrey and to do all of those things with her. Even something as simple as holding her in my arms feels like such a privilege because I so long to do those things with Brooklyn. But I am realizing even more since Aubrey was born, that having her here doesn't take away the longing I have for Brooklyn. My love for both of our girls is so strong, and the presence of Aubrey does not take away from the absence of Brooklyn.

The past three weeks, I have often thought about what life would be like with two babies under one. Brooklyn would have only been 11 months old on March 5th, and I have a feeling life would be very crazy. Of course I know that we likely wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Aubrey so soon if we hadn't lost Brooklyn, but I still daydream about what life would be like if our family wasn't missing one little person.

Even while we still grieve the loss of Brooklyn, Aubrey has brought us so much joy. She is already changing so much, and is much more alert these days. She is following with both of her eyes together, instead of having one that goes the opposite way (really creepy by the way!), and her neck is getting so strong with all of the tummy time we are doing. When she was first born, I didn't think she looked like Brooklyn, except for their eyes, but as she gets bigger, I am seeing more of a resemblance.
Even with all the joy and love we have for Aubrey, parenting a living child is hard. You hear about sleep deprivation and always needing to be available from other parents, but until you're actually in it, it's indescribeable. We are thankful that most nights Aubrey falls right back asleep after she eats, and we are able to sleep until the next feed, but the longest stretch of sleep I've gotten in 3 weeks is 5 hours. So worth it - but still so hard some days.

Derek had two weeks off, and went back to work last Monday. I thought it would be really challenging for me, but so far Aubrey and I have enjoyed our one on one time together. We even managed to get out once a day last week even if it was only an hour each time. Having a winter baby is hard because the weather has been way too cold to have her outside lately. We were so thankful for the beautiful day we had yesterday because we were able to take her out for her first walk! After we lost Brooklyn, one of the things I was so sad I would never experience was carrying her in the many different carriers I had. I had a really hard time walking our dog after we lost her because I had pictured walking with Brooklyn in the carrier many times while pregnant with her. I was so excited to "baby wear". Yesterdays walk was so special because I was finally able to carry one of my babies while out for a walk. Actually, yesterday was full of firsts for her. After church, we managed to go out for lunch with friends and she did so well!

Life is so unpredictable these days, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Next month on the 5th, Brooklyn would have been 1 year old. It just so happens that it falls on Easter Sunday this year too. We want to do something special to celebrate her, but haven't decided just what to do yet. Either way, I know this day will be really hard for us. However, the day will be made a little more sweet by the presence of our rainbow baby. Our sweet girl who has taught us that good things still happen in the world, and that it's okay to continue having hope and dreaming of better days.

Aubrey on the left at "39 weeks + 3 days" and Brooklyn on the right at the same gestation.

Our first walk! Finally getting to snuggle one of my babies close.