From Surviving to Thriving

It is hard to believe that 2015 is just hours away now.

As I reflect back on 2014, I can say with great confidence that it is not a year I will ever forget. The year was full of great joy and great sorrow. Many lessons were learned, relationships changed, and wisdom gained.

From January to the beginning of April, we were eagerly awaiting the arrival of our sweet Brooklyn. We spent a lot of this time specifically preparing our house and getting a few big jobs done. We had our windows and doors replaced, installed carpet upstairs, had the remainder of the house painted, and flipped the nursery from an extra storage room to a room fit for a little girl. I also had my baby showers during this time, and spent many days at home in full nesting mode. Derek and I made sure we had many date nights in the first few months of the year, as we knew once the baby arrived, this opportunity wouldn't come as easy.

April-June was a time of great mourning. I can honestly say that I walked in a very big fog during these months. Between recovering from giving birth, being in shock from the loss of our daughter, and having this shock turn to anger and great sadness, I have never felt so many emotions at once, and all so deeply. We travelled to San Diego, L.A., and San Francisco, and were able to enjoy some time together  outside of our new normal. This trip was so good for our marriage. I will forever be thankful for that gift.

We found out we were pregnant again on June 22nd. Still mourning, we began to feel a little bit of joy again. This joy was (and is ) very much guarded, as we began walking the line of grief and hope. Grieving the loss of Brooklyn, being hopeful that the outcome of this pregnancy would be different, and all the while being completely terrified of the journey that lay ahead.

July-September was wedding season. We attended four weddings this year, one each month starting at the end of June. Normally I love weddings, but this year was different. I had pictured having our girl attend all of these weddings with us, which made it really hard for me. I also didn't realize how many emotions would be brought to the surface for me. It was particularly difficult for me to listen to each of the parents of the bride give their speeches. I wondered if Derek and I would ever have the opportunity to be the parents of the bride, giving our daughter away and sharing funny stories of her childhood.

I was also really sick during this time. My morning sickness tapered off in the beginning of September, and thankfully has only returned twice for a couple of days in a row, since. I transferred to a different Starbucks and finally felt settled into our "new normal".

Early October we found out we are pregnant with another girl, and from that point on, this pregnancy has gone fairly quickly.

The hardest times for me this year have been the milestones (3 months, 6 months), the holidays, and big events that we had just pictured being different. I have said before how difficult Thanksgiving was for us, and Christmas was no easier. I intentionally took a break from social media from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day night. We were so busy these days that it made it go by fairly quickly. Of course Christmas morning was really hard, but Derek helped to make this Christmas a little more special this year. Brooklyn was remembered, and baby A was hoped for - both through special gifts we received this year. We started a new tradition this year too to keep Brooklyn's memory alive. We sponsored a mom with a baby around Brooklyn's age. We hope to do this every Christmas, as it will help us remember our girl, and remind any living children we are blessed with that their big sister is very much missed and continues to be loved and thought of.

To say that I am excited to see 2014 go would be both truthful and a lie. The more time that passes, the less I remember what it felt like to hold our daughter in my arms, and the further away she feels. I have yet to hold a newborn this year, because I'm terrified that if I do, any memory I have left of this feeling will be gone. I honestly don't think I'll be able to until a living baby our of own fills these aching arms of mine.

This year was monumental for our marriage. I have learned more about Derek this year alone, than in the rest of the 5 years we have been together combined. I have also learned about myself personally, and as a wife. Thankful will simply never be a good enough word when it comes to how I feel about my husband. I honestly don't know if I would have survived the past 9 months without him. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been, and my love for him has never been deeper. He continues to show me what it is like to truly love and be selfless. That is not to say that we haven't had hard days along the way, or that arguments haven't happened as a result of mourning in different ways. But seeing him learn to be a father to both our daughter who has passed, and our daughter who is living helps to mend this broken heart. He has provided me with hope on days when I really doubt baby A will be coming home with us, and continues to be excited for this little one's arrival. I know he is scared too, but he is always positive and speaks confidently about her safe arrival.

Much of 2014 was spent simply surviving, without any time or energy to feel as if I was thriving. As we move into 2015, I wish for this to be a year where I feel like I can thrive again. I hope beyond hope that we have a healthy, living, breathing baby join us in February. And I hope I can feel as if I am using my God-given gifts and talents again. My whole life, I have wanted to be a wife and a mother. I even changed my educational path in high school to something that could be more flexible to ensure I could be the best wife and mom in the future. I want to spend 2015 continuing to learn about Derek and continuing to learn how to better love him. While I am already a mother to Brooklyn, I so badly want to experience mothering a living child. I hope and pray that this opportunity comes to me in February.

I want this to be a year where I continue to know the important things in life, and strive to be more loving to those around me. I want to spend less time on social media, and more time with people who are important to me. I wI want to continue learning about who God is, who He wants me to be, and How I can better serve him by bringing His Kingdom forth in this world. I am thankful for the ways He has used Brooklyn's tragic loss to redeem this broken world.

And of course, losing the baby weight this spring wouldn't be so bad either :) What would a New Year's resolution be without some sort of fitness goal? I continue to be amazed at the two little people my body has grown, and am so thankful for these blessings. But my body has changed so much during these two pregnancies and I am looking forward to being able to focus on eating better and getting back into running.

I pray that 2015 is full of good news, great joy and if there is any more heartache that comes our way, we will have the strength to get through it. I know that there will continue to be days of great mourning,  but I am looking forward to a year of beginning to dream and thrive again.

A Valentine's Day Babe

Today at our OB appointment, we learned that our induction has been scheduled! It just so happens that in my 37th week of pregnancy, my OB is on call on the Saturday - which happens to be February 14th! Unless baby A doesn't pass her biophysical profile ultrasounds or non-stress tests and needs to come even sooner, we may have ourselves a Valentine's day baby! What better way to celebrate the day with Derek than to bring the ultimate symbol of our love into the world - a baby who was created because of our love for each other.

Of course there is always a chance that she will come on the 15th instead of the 14th, but we've been told that labour will go much more quickly this time around with baby A being our second, and not having the stress of knowing our baby has died inside of me. It only took me 20 minutes to actually deliver Brooklyn, and we've also been told that with a living baby who is able to push herself down, this too may go even quicker. However, we of all people know that anything can happen during labour, so while I am excited for a February 14th baby, I'm also preparing myself for the possibility of a baby on February 15th - which would be just as exciting.

My weekly ultrasounds started yesterday. We got the results back at our appointment today, and everything looks great! My amniotic fluid levels are normal, as is the blood flow through the umbilical cord, and baby A got 100% on her biophysical profile test! She is close to 3lbs already, which is over the 90th percentile for her gestation. I have a feeling even with her early arrival, this baby is going to be big! So far, things are looking great. Our weekly non-stress tests start Friday and will continue until the 13th of February. All of our tests will take place at McMaster, so if anything looks concerning, they will send me straight to Labour and Delivery for further evaluation.

I started this pregnancy off having "shared care" between the OB and midwife, but my care was recently transferred completely over to the OB, with the midwives in a "supportive care" position. What this means is that our OB will have complete responsibility for us, and I will meet with the midwife for more of a supportive role. This is exciting to us, as it means that the OB will deliver baby A, but our midwife will be there to support me through labour and delivery too! How many people get to have both an OB AND a midwife in the room for delivery? We feel very blessed for this opportunity.

I had planned to be working until December 28th, but my OB decided it was best for my health to be off earlier, so my last day was actually December 4th. At first I thought I was going to go stir crazy sitting around, but so far all of my appointments have kept me quite busy. This week for example, I have an appointment every day from Monday-Friday. I'm okay with this though! It means that there are lots of eyes on our baby girl.

Thank you for your continued love, support, and prayers during this long and trying journey. We are very much looking forward to February 14th, and the joy we hope this day will bring.

"Mom's" Legacy

On Mother's Day, I wrote a post about how Brooklyn had a new neighbour in the cemetery. Derek and I noticed that the flowers and wreaths left at the gravesite said "Mom" on them. I remember having such a heavy heart knowing that a family had to bury their mother so close to Mother's Day. I also remember saying to Derek that day how unfair it was that this lady was able to live such a long life, while Brooklyn's was cut so short.

This morning I received a message on Facebook from someone I have never met. His name is Russ and he told me that it is his mother who lays beside our sweet girl.

"I lost my Mom on May 6th the night before my 44th birthday after her 9 year battle with Cancer. One of the most reassuring things of this difficult Spring was when I saw her little friend next to her. I don't want to intrude at all so all I will say is that My Mom had Five of us kids, Eight Grandchildren and One Great Grandchild. She kept it a secret from all of us that her Cancer had come back and it was a blessing that when her time came it was quick and she suffered very little. I can't imagine how it has been for you but today when my Sister and I went to Moms' grave I saw Brooklyns' Headstone and it stopped me in my tracks. My good friend from work had a baby girl on November 3rd named... Brooklyn.
Just know that my Mom is the best possible person other than yourself that Brooklyn could have watching over her for all eternity. Like I said...it gives me a very warm feeling inside because it's fitting. Mom dedicated her entire life to all of us kids and was selfless right to the end to protect us from hurt. Sorry to bother you at this time but I know they are both safe and warm forever more.
Hope this Holiday season brings you Peace"

This message brought me such comfort. It still feels so unfair that we have had to bury a child already, and I think it always will. But knowing that she is beside a lady who leaves such a legacy, helps make an unfair situation feel just a little bit better. 

I am so very thankful that Russ reached out and contacted me. And I hope that one day I will meet him as we visit our very special ladies, knowing that they are both "safe and warm forevermore."

The Season of Hope

The Christmas season has already been really challenging for me. I have yet to put up our Christmas decorations, or even think about buying a tree. By now, I'm normally well into the Christmas spirit and playing Christmas songs any chance I get. But not this year.

I've said before how difficult holidays are for us, but Christmas is just the cherry on top. I think it has something to do with how overboard we go for Christmas as a society. It feels like I am continually confronted with the fact that our firstborn baby girl will not be spending Christmas with us. Whether it's "baby's first Christmas" outfits or ornaments, pictures of little ones by the tree, or the few things I bought on sale last year in anticipation of having a little 8 month old with us to open her presents.

I have never been one to love the commercialization of Christmas. Growing up, my mum and dad always made sure we had presents and stockings that were full, but never went overboard like some of my friends' parents. I am so incredibly thankful for this, because now as an adult, Christmas isn't about the presents to me. It's about the excitement, the baking, the dinners, the joy it brings, and celebrating with family and friends. But this year, even this has been taken away. The one little person I want here most just can't be.

Yesterday our pastors spoke on the season of advent and "making space for God." Later that night, a friend I went to school with posted a picture about anticipating "the season of hope," and someone else of the word "Hope" lit up in their front window. These things were exactly what I needed. I needed to be reminded that thousands of years ago, the nation of Israel was given hope in the form of a little baby.

This baby provided hope for the entire world by later dying for our sins and taking on the burden so we wouldn't have to. My favourite Christmas carol says it best - "A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!" He provided hope to a very tired, oppressed society. And He continues to provide hope to the entire world. On a quiet night, a baby was born in a stable, with no medical intervention or equipment, to a mother and father who were very unprepared for Him. He is the ultimate provider of hope and restoration.

Please pray for us during this incredibly difficult season. I keep telling Derek that I wish I could close my eyes, wake up, and have December be over. Or maybe it would just be easier to wake up in February... I am thankful that December will be busy for us, and that my time will be full of my final few weeks of work and many appointments. This whole season is hard for us, but I have a feeling that waking up on Christmas morning to a house that is quieter than we would like, will be especially difficult.

Also, please remember that Christmas isn't a joyful season for everybody. Not just for us or others who are grieving, but people who struggle to put food on their table, pay their hydro bill, don't know how they will provide their children with presents, or simply don't have any family members or close friends to spend Christmas with. Please prayerfully consider donating somewhere or sponsoring a family or child, instead of buying those "extra" gifts that people simply don't need. And in the mix of the Christmas rushing and craziness, please take the time to be grateful for the people around you, remembering that time is never a guarantee.

While I am in no way implying that our anticipation of baby A's arrival should be compared to the birth of Jesus, I am encouraged by remembering that this is the Season of Hope. And that maybe, Christmas next year will look a little different. Always one person short, but maybe this time next year, we will have a little one waking up with us on Christmas morning. Maybe our house will be full of the sound of giggles and joy, instead of the silence I am very much dreading.

For now, we hang onto the hope that baby A will arrive safely in our arms just over a month after Christmas.