Three Years

It has been three years today since we signed on the dotted line and officially became home owners.

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that we took that risk. We purchased a house that needed a lot of love in order to become a home. And since then, have spent money, time, and energy to make it our own. It really did need a lot of love...

However, it also feels like we have lived a lot of life in just three short years.

When we lost Brooklyn, the thought of living here without her made me sick to my stomach. At one point Derek and I had a conversation about if it would just be best to start looking for a new house. The memories were painful, and living here without her just felt wrong.

After a while of casually looking online, and thinking about what we really wanted, we decided it would be best to stay here longer. There are still some things we want to do to the house (mainly finish the kitchen), and we decided that it would be nice if we could have a baby in this home again one day.

Almost 5 months have passed since we walked in our very silent house without our little girl. I can honestly say that I'm so glad we decided to stay. This house has been full of some very painful moments, but I can't imagine being anywhere else right now. We are so lucky to live somewhere that is full of memories of being pregnant with Brooklyn, and lots of firsts for Derek, Samson, and I.

We love our home and all of the memories, good and bad that it comes with. Our home tells a story - our story.

I can't wait to see what this house has in store for us in the next three years. And I look forward to making many more memories here before we outgrow our two bedroom, 1.5 story home.

Thank You

Over the past 4.5 months, our dining room table has been covered with flowers and cards from friends, family, and even people we have never met before. I recently took down the last of the cards and cleared off our table. I stuck all the cards in a pile, and became overwhelmed as I thought about just how many thank you cards I have to write.

I then realized that there are so many people who have helped us, and continue to help us through this time, that I would definitely miss people. I also feel that there is not enough space on little thank you cards to express how truly grateful we are.

We want to publicly thank everyone.

• The people who have cried with and for us
• The ones who have prayed for us.
•  Sent us cards, flowers, gift cards, etc. On days when we just don't have the energy to cook, we continue to use gift cards. 
• Every who made meals for us.
• Those who have stopped by to clean our house when we simply didn't have the energy.
• The ones who continue to call and text unexpectedly to say they are thinking of and praying for us.
• Everyone who continues to remember Brooklyn or send me pictures of things that remind them of her.
•  People who aren't afraid to say her name or ask us about her.
•  Everyone who came to her burial and/or memorial and helped to show us just how big of an impact her short little life had.
• Those who have shared their own grief journeys with us, helping us to know we are not alone. 
• My father-in-law who sent us on the trip of a lifetime, which provided us with so much healing and rejuvenation for our marriage. 
• Our immediate families who have walked with us every step of the way
• Our close friends who spent countless late nights at our place when we just weren't ready to be alone in our house yet.
• Everyone who donated to the McMaster NICU in memory of Brooklyn. It's nice to know lots of babies and families will be helped in her memory.
•  My mum, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law who were present during Brooklyn's birth. It was so special to have them be a part of that experience. 
• The people who have supported us through some tough decisions we have made in the last 4 months. 
•  Everyone who goes to visit Brooklyn in her special place. Seeing the flowers and stuffed animals left there makes it just a bit easier to visit our daughter in a cemetery. 
• The people who came to visit us in the hospital and held our baby girl. Knowing others have memories of her too means everything to us. 
• The anonymous group of people who raised funds to completely cover the expenses of her burial and memorial cost. We are forever grateful that money was not a concern or added stress during that time. 
• My midwife Elise who continues to keep in touch and provide us with support. 
• Our church family who continues to be nothing but supportive. I honestly don't know how people go through tragedy like this without having faith.
• Close friends who have bought us and painted pictures, given us books, and bought me jewlery. It is so nice to have visual reminders of our sweet girl all around our house.
• The hospital staff at McMaster Children's Hospital - Lesley, Cindy, and Dr. Mary Coll-Black. I honestly cannot say enough nice things about the nurses and OB's I had. They helped to make a really terrible time better, helped provide dignity to our daughter, and helped to make us feel empowered in the many hard decisions we had to make. These women were a great example of what all health care practicioners should be like. 
• The people who have made hard times like Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, just a little bit easier.

I know that we are probably forgetting countless people. But please know that we are truly grateful for every single card we received, and every single person who has helped us get to where we are today. We continue to feel so overwhelmed by the support and love that people have shown us in our darkest time. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you - from the bottom of our hearts. 

All our love,

Derek, Fiona, Brooklyn, and Samson.

Permission to Dream Again

If I had to describe my grief journey these days, I simply would say that I am tired.

No one tells you how exhausting it is to grieve. I come home from work most days and literally don't have the energy to do anything. I feel like my schedule consists of working, coming home, sleeping, showering, eating, and repeat. But I have to remind myself that this is just a season.

I have been working a lot lately too, so that doesn't help. I'm really enjoying my new role as shift supervisor. It's a nice change from the same job I have been doing since 2009 (with a short 10 month break). And the little bit of extra income isn't bad either.

Something I'm really excited about is I'm transferring to a different store! Starting September 2nd, I'll be moving to the Burlington Indigo location. This store will be a nice change of pace with no drive thru, and a totally different atmosphere. Their hours are much better (bank hours), and they are off all stat holidays! The manager is one who used to run the Waterdown store too, and I'm very much looking forward to working with her again. AND I'll be working in a book store - how great is that?!

I'm hoping the new hours will help provide some consistency to my schedule and make sleeping a little bit easier.

Life is starting to feel a bit more "normal" these days. I feel like Derek and I are in a new sort of routine. While losing Brooklyn will never ever feel right or be well with my soul, it feels nice to settle back into life, even for a short while.

That being said, there are still some moments that I almost forget she is gone from this world forever. I notice it most when I'm in her nursery. Sometimes it feels just like it did when I was pregnant and used to sit in her room - dreaming of who she would be and what she would look like. For a brief moment, it feels as if we are still waiting for her to arrive. And then I realize that she already has arrived, and just as quickly has left.

One thing I've been allowing myself to do lately, is to dream of better days. It's taken me over 4 months to get here, and I know I will always be a little bit guarded with my hopes for the future, but it feels nice to dream again. I really truly believe that there are better days before us, but am also thankful for the great moments we have behind us, and for everything we have learned along the way.

The wisdom we have gained will never justify Brooklyn's death. I would much rather be naive and ignorant if it meant we could have our 4 month old here with us. But since this is not an option, I choose to see the goodness and wisdom that has come as a result.

Please continue to pray for us and keep us in your thoughts.