I have felt especially tired and worn down lately. I really couldn't pin point why (other than this season being busier than normal), and then I realized how often she has come to my mind recently. For some reason, everything about Christmas makes me think of her. This year it started when I decorated our tree. I kept having flashbacks to decorating our tree the Christmas I was pregnant with her. I remember it so clearly. The Sound of Music live musical (with Carrie Underwood!!) was on TV (back when we still had cable...), I was sipping on hot chocolate and had a belly in between me and the tree, making it a bit harder to manoeuvre around the tree.
That Christmas was especially full of hope for me. I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I was so excited and kept thinking about how the following year, we'd have an 8 month old baby in our arms. It felt surreal. But as I decorated our tree, I kept feeling our baby girl move inside of me, almost as if she was full of anticipation too.
And then the excitement, anticipation, joy - all of it was gone.
Christmas 2014 was one of the darkest places I have ever been in. To say I was "weary" would be an understatement. That year, we didn't even get a tree. I did very minimal decorating, and found it very difficult to bring myself to do any of our Christmas traditions. Our arms were empty, and even though my belly was full, I just wanted my biggest girl to be with us.
The one hope I was able to hold onto, was my faith. As much as it had been tested and as many times as I questioned God and his Sovereignty, I knew with certainty that He sent His only son to die for my sins. More importantly to me, He sent His only Son so that my daughter did not have to die, but could have eternal life with Him.
The past two years, we sponsored a family through CCAS with a child Brooklyn's age. This year, our new church does a toy drive, so we bought a toy for a child Brooklyn's age. Things like this help heal my heart. I so look forward to the day when Aubrey and Aveline can pick out the toy themselves.
"A thrill of Hope, the weary world rejoices!" On a quiet night, a baby was born in a stable, with no medical intervention or equipment, to a mother and father who were very unprepared for Him. He is the ultimate provider of hope and restoration.
Please remember that Christmas isn't a joyful season for everybody. Many people are grieving, some people struggling to put food on their table, pay their hydro bill, don't know how they will provide their children with presents, or simply don't have any family members or close friends to spend Christmas with. Please be kind. Please slow down and don't let the busyness of this season weigh on you. If you're blessed enough to have children, please enjoy each and every moment you have with them this season and try not to take their life for granted. Unplug if you need to. If that helps you to be intentional with the people around you this season. Be kind. Help someone at the grocery store, do a random act of kindness, drop off some baking at your local hospital.
If you are someone who is struggling in this season, know that it's okay to celebrate as much or as little as you need to. Be gentle on yourself, and do what you need to in order to survive listening to "it's the most wonderful time of the year" and other lyrics that can be equally as annoying when you don't feel that way.
"For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn!"
