Another 5th

Around noon today, I realized I had been more emotional than usual, and was feeling physically and emotionally drained. We just got back from a trip to Saskatchewan to spend some time with Derek's family, so I just chalked it up to travelling and the time change catching up with me.

Then I realized today is the 5th. It has been 16 months since I last held my firstborn baby. I can still remember her sweet smell, and how round her big chubby cheeks were. Aubrey has the same cheeks that Brooklyn did, and sometimes when I kiss them, I feel like I'm right back in the moment when I kissed our girl goodbye, and felt her cold but soft cheeks on my lips. I would give almost anything to go back to that moment.

I wrote quite a few blog entires about how difficult being pregnant after losing Brooklyn was. Something I quickly realized once Aubrey was here, was that the difficulties weren't yet over.

Being pregnant after losing a child was extremely difficult, but parenting after loss has proven to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. In a lot of ways, way more difficult than being pregnant.

The day Aubrey was born, I was changing her diaper for the very first time. She spat up and started choking on her spit up, and then started to go blue. I pulled the emergency cord out of the wall and all of the nurses came rushing in. One nurse (who is actually a mutual friend) grabbed Aubrey out of my hands and rushed her off to the nursery. It was the scariest moment of my life. I had just delivered our living breathing miracle, and now I was sure we were going to lose her. She ended up being okay after they suctioned her, but Derek and I remained extremely nervous for a really long time after that. The first few days we had her home, I'm sure neither of us got any sleep because we were so nervous that the same thing would happen again.

And it actually did, when she was 5 weeks old, in the middle of the night she started choking on spit up again. She didn't go blue, but was lethargic and wouldn't open her eyes. We called 911 and went to Mac. Again she was fine, but another scary moment for us.

While we are more relaxed now, there are many things that are just plain difficult for us as we are parenting for the first time after losing our child. We invested in a video monitor for peace of mind once Aubrey started sleeping in her own room. This was a big step for me. I even cried that day, but knew that for Aubrey, Derek and I, it was the best decision. I often still find myself checking the video monitor to make sure her little back is rising up and down.

Even though she is a happy and healthy almost 6 month old little girl, the fear of losing her will always be in the back of my mind. Derek and I are very aware of our anxieties and fears, and have vowed to not be parents who place her in a bubble. We want her to be able to explore and figure out this world, even though at times it will be really difficult for us to let her do this. The thought of her getting hurt or working through disappointments in life already makes me tear up.

We know that for anyone who is parenting for the first time, so many things are new and scary. This has definitely been the case for us, and in many ways has been amplified by the loss of our Brooke.

We continue to be thankful for the many people who surround and encourage us through this parenting after loss journey. We're blessed to have other parents who are fumbling through parenting along side us, and the veteran parents who have been through it, are on the other side, and are cheering us on and giving advice.

My advice to any pregnant or new parents is to surround yourself with these people too. Parenting is the hardest and most important job you will ever do. It can be made just a little easier if we love and support each other along the way.